O Tempora, O Mores

Happy Holidays

2011-12-31T20:31:00.000-08:00

Someone sent this to me. It reminds me of Monty Python. So without further adieu, it's time for something completely different...

Driving in the South.

2011-11-10T22:43:00.000-08:00

My daughter lives in Tennessee.

I live in the northern part of Kentucky, which the rest of Kentucky calls Ohio.

As you travel northeast to New Jersey, Connecticut, New York or Massachusetts you will find that driving in these states is at your own risk. The drivers in those states are maniacs.

This also holds true in all of California. For a non-Californian, driving there is an excercise in white-knuckles.

But the South is a different story. Not only is it a different world, where the Civil War is still a topic of hot debate, the South is well...polite.

And drivers are polite. They are either courteous to a fault, or have a bad case of freeway phobia and will stop on the entrance ramp rather than merge. At certain times, once they stop, you can be there behind them for quite a spell. If they couldn't merge at speed, can you imagine them jumping in from a stop? You just have to wait.

Center lines on back roads are often regarded as suggestions. Even the double yellow lines are disregarded if the driver feels the need to pass the vehicle in front of him. Which more often than not is painted green and displays the John Deere logo.

Now some of the locals would rather attach their canoe, ladder, or other rooftop cargo with a single bungee cord or piece of twine and mosey for miles rather than secure the load and drive. Combined with the local regard for center lines, coming upon a vehicle with rooftop cargo ahead of you is probably a good time to stop for lunch.

Speeders have out of state plates. Speeders with local plates usually drive a pickup with a Budweiser bed liner and a horn that plays the first measure of Dixie.

The Truckers in the South seem to have forgotten how to shift gears. They will routinely block uphill traffic because they were going fast enough at the bottom to get halfway past another truck by the top, regardless of posted lane restrictions. The thought of changing gears to safely climb the hill behind another truck and remain within their engine's optimum torque curve has eluded most of them.

Horns are for other people. On the rare occasion that you hear one, the car will be from somewhere else, usually a Northern state. Damn Yankee!

Drivers here DO dim their lights for oncoming traffic, usually before entering the curve.

Unlike those on Californian interstate highways, traffic jams usually consist of conversations between passing motorists or from the vehicle to someone off the road somewhere. Sometimes the drivers and the passengers just get out of the cars and eat lunch.

This Decades Childrens Books

2011-10-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

I used to love it when Mom went shopping and brought us home a new "Little Golden Book." We'd read it before going to bed.

My, my! Those books sure have changed from when I was a kid.

Made in China Bar Code information.

2011-10-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

I have no anymousity to Chinese people, or anyone for that matter. I am concerned about food products that are imported from China. Periodically we hear a report that pet food, made in China, was tainted with some gawd-awful substance. I have heard the same negative reports about baby formula and food. So I am somewhat skeptical when it comes to prepared food made in China. So I'll pass along this advice.

(ALWAYS READ THE LABELS ON THE FOODS YOU BUY--NO MATTER WHAT THE FRONT OF THE B...OX OR PACKAGE SAYS, TURN IT OVER AND READ THE BACK---CAREFULLY!

With all the food and pet products now coming from China , it is best to make sure you read label at the grocery store and especially Walmart when buying food products.

Many products no longer show where they were made, only give where the distributor is located.

It is important to read the bar code to track it's origin.

How to read Bar Codes .... interesting!

This may be useful to know when grocery shopping, if it's a concern to you.

GREAT WAY TO "BUY USA & CANADA " AND NOT FROM CHINA!!

The whole world is concerned about China-made "black hearted goods".

Can you differentiate which one is made in Taiwan or China ?

If the first 3 digits of the barcode are 690 691 or 692, the product is MADE IN CHINA.

471 is Made in Taiwan .

This is our right to know, but the government and related departments never educate the

public, therefore we have to RESCUE ourselves.

Nowadays, Chinese businessmen know that consumers do not prefer products "MADE IN CHINA ", so they don't show from which country it is made.

However, you may now refer to the barcode - remember if the first 3 digits are:

690-692 ... then it is MADE IN CHINA

00 - 09 ... USA & CANADA

30 - 37 FRANCE

40 - 44 GERMANY

471 .... Taiwan

49 ... JAPAN

50 ... UK

BUY USA & CANADIAN MADE by watching for "0" at the beginning of the number.

2011-10-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

Investment tips

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks... Watch for these mergers and acquisitions in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria ’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang.

Random Acts of Facebook

2011-10-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

These were all posted by various friends. Enjoy.

I may be wrong, but I think my friends have way too much time on their hands.

The Impact of the Big Mac

2011-10-05T14:51:00.000-07:00

It's All Downhill From Here Folks

2011-09-12T23:23:00.000-07:00

I ran across this picture by photographer Mary Ellen Mark. I see it as a harbinger to the decline of Western Civilization.

Where are this child's parents??!!

Black Man Cookies

2011-09-11T05:46:00.000-07:00

From the same folks that brought you Vlad the Impaler and Count Dracula, there is a new product. Romanians are scurrying to their grocery and shopping for the new taste sensation, Black Man Cookies.

This is a delicious chocolate snack that comes in the shape of a course-haired Black superhero. It is great for dipping in white milk or as a taste treat for your little Baltic racist.

So the next time you are in Bucharest or Transylvania by sure to look for Black Man Cookies on the grocery shelf.

*DISCLAIMER*

Black Man Cookies are not from the same folks that brought you Obama Waffles or the Obama Chia Pet.

Arab Spring

2011-09-11T05:23:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know what is an Arab Spring? For most of the summer, that is all they were discussing on the TV and radio news.

I came across this bar of soap at the supermarket. Is this what they are talking about?

September Thoughts

2011-09-07T00:04:00.000-07:00

I liberal friend sent me an email that stated liberals were more intellegent than conservatives. The next day this Democratic Representative from Florida appeared in the news. Yeah, this sure proves her point.

Me, behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies.
The fault is not mine!

BAIL'EM OUT!!! ???? Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey?!"
"What the Hell are we thinking?"

Daddy, how was I born? 'Well, son, your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a wifi cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and “google”d each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male."

Womans Hats

2011-08-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

One of my absolute rules of life states that people love to wear funny things on their heads. For the most part these are called hats. I am not sure why any self respecting woman, who is not Dale Evans and does not either work at the rodeo or a cattle ranch would feel the need to wear a cowboy hat. But check this lady out. She is a congresswoman from Florida.

Sir Paul

2011-08-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

Beatle Paul McCartney played to a sell out audience of 41,500 folks in Cincinnati last night. Tickets started at $95. The best seats were $225. Sh'eesh! Who can afford it?

The review was good. Sir Paul (which we have to call him, since he was knighted for paying so many pounds into HM Internal Revenue) rocked for three hours non-stop. That is pretty good, since I cannot go that long without having to visit the mens room.

This was a first for Cincinnati's Great American Ball Park as a large concert venue.

The field was covered with huge sections of plastic that protected the turf and gave concert goers the ability to be seated on the field.

A massive stage was erected that housed two 118-foot video screens. Plus the sound quality was excellent.

I'm glad that Cincinnatians and Northern Kentuckians had such a great time.

Sign of the Economic Downturn

2011-07-05T02:48:00.000-07:00

My wife wanted to go back to school in 1981. We did not have a lot of money and only had one car. My job was only around three miles away from our home. I bought a moped.

Well, it was something like a moped, but with no pedals. Top speed was 25 miles per hour.

This was during the days of the Carter presidency. Inflation was terrible and we thought gas prices were outrageous. They probably were around $2.00 a gallon. The country leader explained we were facing an energy crisis.

Businesses were required to cut their energy usage by not turning on all the lights. Yeah, like that really helped! Service stations could only sell so many gallons of gas per day as a rationing measure.

I felt smug when I pulled up to the pump and filled the tank for only 25 cents, which lasted all week.

I have recently noticed quite a few people riding motor scooters. I am sure it is for the same reason. Gas prices are ridiculously high. Even with a car that gets 30 miles per gallon, it is very expensive to spend 40 or 50 dollars for a fill up.

The United States is lurching to the Third World.

Today, I witnessed a biker drive up my street on a motor scooter. Yep! He had on the grey t-shirt, blue jeans, boots a leather cap and a biker jacket with an emblem on the back. I guess things are tough all over.

Behold, A Pail Horse

2011-06-25T00:03:00.000-07:00

More Dreams

2011-06-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

I was at a new job having a meeting. It was one of those meetings in which each person gets to speak for a few minutes and relate a new idea, then the immediately is forgotten forever, unless it is a really good one. It gets implemented and the boss takes credit for such a swell idea. So we were all at sitting at tables in a meeting.

I then hear a mans voice outside and he is vigorously complaining. I look out the window and see a white, convertible Cadillac. The angry voice belongs to the comedian Gallagher and he is now shouting.

We get escorted to another large room with some refreshments. Gallagher is seated on a couch and is half asleep. I walk over to him and say hello. I see some yellow stains on his blue jean shorts and a damp spot.

He awakes and looks awkwardly at me. I say, "I'm Marc." Gallagher angrily tells me he knew that. I start to walk away, but then turn around and ask him how he knew my name is Marc. He stares at me like I'm an idiot and then sarcastically says, "Because my name is Marc and you look like a Marc." (I should have known this!) I then walk back to a chair and sit down.

An assistant to Mr. Gallagher comes over and tells him that he needs to get ready. He shouts at her, but gets up and walks to a hallway. A few minutes later, I see he has changed his clothes and is wearing a pressed striped long sleeve shirt with gray shark-skin slacks.

I hear him screaming at the assistant, "I'm not doing this show. I swear I am not. They aren't paying me enough."

Another assistant walks over and announces, "You have a phone call from your real wife" and hands him a cell phone.

The next night, I was in a car with some other people we were entering a ramp to go on the expressway. The ramp was very steep. At the apex of the ramp, the road dropped almost straight downward.

The expressway seemed to be like a roller coaster with hills and valleys and dips and curves. I was also driving at a high rate of speed.

Suddenly I find myself on a deserted cobblestone road in Cincinnati. The road is lined with deserted and shuttered up old buildings that once were factories and offices at the end is a bridge.

Now I find myself at a doctors office. It is actually the office of a surgeon. She has a man on the operating room table. He is laying in a prone position on his stomach, with his feet hanging over the end of the table and drapes covering his body. I discover that I am her assistant. She is operating on his right heel to remove a cancerous tumor.

She has cut into his flesh to reveal a big yellow glomulous mass. I reach up to adjust the light and see the patient is a doctor that I used to know.

He is a surgeon named Pescovitz. I go to the front of the table and ask him if he is comfortable. The lady surgeon then yells at me that the light is too bright. She wants me to turn it off and says that I should have known better.

I then find myself in an area that resembles a campsite or a park. It is woodsie and has rows of picnic tables under a shelter.

I see Dr. Pescovitz in a large laundry tub. I am puzzled, so I walk over and inquire as to his status. He says he is comfortable and this is part of his therapy.

Last night I find myself once again at a bridge. I am on the Kentucky side of the bridge, which reaches Cincinnati. The sky is dark and glooming as it is in the glowming. I walk up the sidewalk and spot an old friend. I ask him what he is doing. He tells me that he is running on the catwalk under the bridge. He then jumps down onto a walkway that is covered with safety wire.

There is a tiny mesh footpath. He then slips through a hole in the wire to a steel walkway that is painted green. It is about 18 inches wide. There is no safety wire. It just dangles below the bridge. He shouts up to me;

"Hey watch me. I'm going to run to Cincinnati and back." He then takes off at a brisk pace making giant strides. He comes back and then turns and runs off toward Ohio once again.

Whore Shoes

2011-06-21T11:34:00.000-07:00

Last week I created the game “Weinergate,” which has unfortunately become passé since Rep Weiner is no longer news fodder.

However today, I am pleased to announce the creation of another game. While out shopping, I watched the young women walk by. Their fashionable and provocative footwear became inspiration for:

The Game of Whore Shoes.

It is played in a similar manner to the game of Horseshoes, however instead of pieces of iron, bent into a “C” shape, the player tosses ladies shoes.

Regulations mandate the shoes be made of black, red or pink patent leather or plastic and have 5” stiletto heels, or shoes that show the bare foot with a lot of straps and 5” stiletto heels, or be thigh-high black leather boots with 5” stiletto heels. Really, any woman’s shoe that you feel is unusually trashy should work.

• Each player gets a turn to through his or her shoe at a stake, which is 40 feet away.

• If it lands within 6” of the stake, the player gets 1 point.

• If the sole and heel of the shoe abuts the stake, the player has scored a ringer and the player receives 5 points.

• If the shoe lands on top of the stake, the player gets 10 points.

• The game is over after 20 pitches and won by the player with the highest score.

All you need to get started is a pair of street walker shoes that you think a hooker or a fashionable teen-aged girl would wear, and two metal stakes.

Start playing and have a great time!

Lady Blunt - Stradivarius Violin

2011-06-21T03:47:00.000-07:00

The Lady Blunt

A pristine Stradivarius violin, which experts have described as the 'Mona Lisa' of stringed instruments has sold for a record £9.8million at auction, with the proceeds going to charity.

The Lady Blunt Stradivarius has fetched a groundbreaking price each time it's been auctioned and made £6million in 2008.

Until recently it was owned by the Nippon Music Foundation - a Japanese body whose aim is to increase public interest in music and which has a large collection of priceless antique instruments.

The Lady Blunt violin, made by Stradivarius in 1721, fetched nearly £9.8m following the online auction

However the organization decided to pass the instrument on to benefit victims of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami.

An auction conducted by London-based online auction house Tarisio on Monday night attracted considerable interest around the world before it was finally sold to an unnamed bidder for the record sum.

Stradivarius, regarded as the finest violin maker in history, made the instrument in 1721.

The violin was named after Lady Anne Blunt, the granddaughter of Lord Byron

However it didn't get its name until more than 150 years later when Lady Anne Blunt - who was the granddaughter of Lord Byron and a talented musician - took ownership.

Regarded as one of the finest examples of an instrument made by the Italian craftsman, it has been in the hands of collectors for almost its entire history - which makes it virtually unique among violins.

Master craftsmanship: Experts said it was rare to find a Stradivarius in such pristine condition

The Messiah

And it is considered to be as good as the Messiah, a 1716 Stradivari bequeathed to The Ashmolean Museum in Oxford, on the condition it can never be played.

The density of the wood used is what's thought to give Stradivarius violins their uniquely sweet sound.

Tests were carried out on violins made by Stradivarius and another renowned Italian violin maker, Guarneri del Gesu, along with eight 'modern' violins.

Experts discovered that variations in wood growth density, determined by tree growth cycles, were considerably larger in the modern violins.

Early growth wood, produced during spring, is more porous and less dense than late growth wood which provides more structural support rather than transporting water.

The early and late growth wood in the modern instruments had noticeable different densities not present in the older instruments.

Experts concluded that wood treatments used by the Italian craftsment may have contributed to the instruments' sound.

Lady Tennant

Kazuko Shiomi, president of the foundation, said, 'While this violin was very important to our collection, the needs of our fellow Japanese people after the March 11 tragedy have proven that we all need to help, in any way we can.

'The donation will be put to immediate use on the ground in Japan.'

Following the auction The Lady Blunt has been hailed as the best-preserved Stradivarius to be sold in 100 years.

Jason Price, director of Tarisio, added: 'Fine instruments appreciate in value just like fine works of art, and the Lady Blunt is the most significant violin that a collector can buy.

'In the world of stringed instruments, it is the equivalent of Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa or Michelangelo's David.'

Solomon Ex-Lambert

Christopher Reuning, of Reuning and Son Violins in Boston, added, 'Rarely does a Stradivarius of this quality in such pristine condition and with such significant historical provenance come up for sale.

'It still shows the tool-marks and brushstrokes of Stradivari. The Lady Blunt is perhaps the best-preserved Stradivarius to be offered for sale in the past century.'

Dandy's House

2011-06-19T15:30:00.001-07:00

I am not certain why I called my grandmother Dandy. Perhaps I was too young to voice the word "granny" or perhaps it was because she would say to me, "You are sure a dandy." Dandy is what I called her.

Today I learned that her former home has been put up for sale. The fellow that purchased it paid $9,000. It was in horrible condition. He gutted most of the house and beautifully rehabbed the property.

Below are pictures from the multiple listing service. Each strip contains 3 pictures except for the 1st with one picture and the last with two pictures.

Weinergate The Board Game and The Doll

2011-06-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

This was inevitable.

Sarah Palin, Paul Revere and Obama's Gaffes

2011-06-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today NPR discussed Palins mis-reference to Paul Reveres historic ride. I am curious why they haven’t pointed out some of Obamas historical gaffes.

She recently said of Paul Revere's historic ride, "He who warned uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

It is clear that Sarah Palin needs some remedial American history lessons. But what of our current President? He has made quite a few historical gaffes, both during his campaign run and in office.

For instance:

In March of 2007, Obama gave a speech in Selma Alabama stating his parents got together because of what happened in the 1965 Civil Rights March. “There was something stirring across the country because of what happened in Selma, Alabama, because some folks are willing to march across a bridge. So they got together and Barack Obama, Jr. was born.” However, his parents were married in 1961 and he was born August of 1962.

In a campaign speech Obama stated he has visited all 57 states so far. His aides would not permit him to go to Alaska or Hawaii. So that makes 57+2 states???

In October of 2008 Obama made a speech before Congress stating, “"And I believe the nation that invented the automobile (USA) cannot walk away from it." Historians give credit to Karl Benz of Germany for inventing the first automobile to use the internal combustion engine.

During a speech in Indiana he stated, “America's confronted constantly evolving danger, from the oppression of an empire, to the lawlessness of the frontier, from the bomb that fell on Pearl Harbor, to the threat of nuclear annihilation..” Of which bomb was he referring to? I read there were quite a few.

He also pointed out that his uncle was part of the American troops to go into Auschwitz. Russia liberated Auschwitz. Perhaps his uncle was Russian. It could of happened.

In a speech that emphasized victory in Afghanistan is not our goal. Obama stated, "I'm always worried about using the word 'victory,' because, you know, it invokes this notion of Emperor Hirohito coming down and signing surrender to Macarthur.” The Emperor did not sign the surrender before Macarthur. General Umezu and Japanese foreign minister Shugemitzu on the Battleship Missouri signed this historical document that ended WWII.

Earlier this year he stated, “Long before America was even an idea, this land of plenty was home to many peoples. The British and French, the Dutch and Spanish, to Mexicans, to countless Indian tribes. We all shared the same land." This was from the same speech he left out “endowed by our Creator...” from the Declaration of Independence.

BTW, the USA was founded in 1776 and Mexico in 1821.

This May, 2011, on his Irish trip, he signed the guestbook at Westminster Abbey, 24 May 2008.

Weiner

2011-06-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, the most popular weiners in Cincinnati were made by Kahn's Meats. Their slogan was "The Weiner, the World, Awatied."

As of late, that seems to be the news of the day. Congressman Anthony Weiner is accused of showing off his on Twitter. The news outlets could utilize that same catch phrase.

Weiner will not say the weiner in question is his little member of Congress. In fact, in the latest news videos, he appears to be interviewing for the Ice Capades, since he is skating around the issue so much. He claims that he has begun an investigation to see about this leak.

Perhaps the reason he does not want to discuss the issue is because it is such a little news story.

We all will await to see if the news on this case pricks up.

Another Dream

2011-05-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

It was a dark snowy winter evening. The sun was setting and I was armed with an old, bent aluminum snow shovel. I had cleaned off all of Elberon Avenue's sidewalks and made my way on to the Expressway.

I wound up in the neighborhood I grew up in and began to shovel off all of the sidewalks around my block. I shoveled my Mother's driveway. I could see her in the bedroom window and she looked busy, so I didn't go in the house. I was on a mission to shovel snow. I got up to the highway and began to shovel snow as I attempted to return home. I never made it.

Instead I found myself in a store that sold beer and lottery tickets. Some guy had come in and was grabbing tickets out of their boxes. He would scratch off the ticket and discard it over and over again. I was selling beer and liquor and trying to watch him and keep count of how many tickets he had taken.

In the midst of a big order of beer, the lottery ticket man left the premises. I finished selling beer and then determined he had stolen $4,000 worth of tickets. I was upset. Someone relieved me and I went to the back of the store and began to work replenishing the stock of beer. But I kept being interrupted by people asking me how much was this pack of beer or that one. I was extremely frustrated. I had all this work before me and I had been robbed of $4,000 in lottery tickets.

The following night I found myself once again in downtown Cincinnati. I am not at all certain why I always seem to wind up here, since I have not walked through the city's streets since the mid 1990's. But here I was in Cincy and I was shopping at Shilitoes department store. This store has not been in business for around 30 years.

When I was young and before shopping malls proliferated the suburbs, stores like this could be found in every large town. Macys is one of the few that still remain.

I was in the store and thinking, should I tell my old friend Tennie about a dream I had over a year ago? That is bizarre! A dream about a dream!

I ought to say something about Tennie. As a little girl, she lived across the street from my home. Tennie was what was called a Tomboy. She was more interested in play activities of boys, than playing with dolls. We were fast friends and spent our childhood together. When she got older, our goals changed. I became a Jesus Freak and a born again Christian and Tennie got into things I considered occult. It scared me at the time. I was young and what did I know? She and I went off in different directions. However for the past 3 years we began corresponding.

So in my dream, she had comeback for a short time to live at her parents home. I really wanted to see her, but she seemed to be coming and going. I walked up to the end of the street I grew up on. It seemed to be a cool October day.

The leaves were falling. The wind was blowing. It was in the gloaming. I walked up to Tennie's house and knocked on the door. No one was at home, but the door opened and I went in. The living room was empty of furniture. The walls were painted dusky brown and the floor was made of hardwood. I realized the center wall had been removed, so the living room, dining room and kitchen were just one large space. The kitchen was gone. In the center of this space was a strange hexagonal structure, reminiscent of a recording booth.

The six walls were made of 7 foot tall glass panes that were held together with aluminum struts. I could not see a door. In the center was a tall wooden stool. Track lights shown down into the booth. She was not there. So I left. That was the dream.

I desired to leave the department store, but there were no exits to the street. Instead, Cincinnati had put up connectors between buildings. These connectors were large dark tunnels that were lined with brightly lit stores, much like those found in an enclosed shopping mall. In the center of this causeway was a train.

Not a large train, but one like those found in children's amusement parks, but big enough to accommodate adult passengers. The cars were opened, which was OK since everything was indoors. The train would take you all over the city as it wound through each of the above ground tunnels.

I was trying to get back to Kentucky, so I needed to find my way to the street so I could either walk or ride over the bridge. I finally found some concrete steps leading down to Walnut and Fifth Street passed the Fountain Square garage exit. However Fountain Square was no where to be seen. I was lost.

Somehow, I found myself on some of Cincinnati's mean streets on a wide cobblestone road. The buildings were old redbrick warehouses that had been shut up for years. Most were in disrepair. As I walked though this city, hoping to find the river, I saw the farther I went, the better shape the buildings were in.

Obviously, people had purchased these for living quarters. I found some steps under a tall automobile bridge and began to walk up them. What I found at the top was a maze of entrance and exit ramps. These were like miniature freeway ramps, but were built for walking.

I had never seen such a tangle of pathways that were all going in differing directions. I decided to take a chance and found myself walking up a steep narrow cement hill. It led to a restaurant, that was similar to the ones contained in most department stores. They sold club sandwiches, soup and coffee.

I ran into a friend, but I do not know who it was at first. The friend eventually turned out to be my wife.

We were not hungry, but continued up the road and came to this old lady's apartment. Now by apartment, I should say it was more of a small room with a few chairs and a bed. There was no kitchen or bathroom that I could see. There were a myriad of these structures along the roads.

Apparently if someone was hungry they would walk down to the restaurant, which also contained the toilet facilities.

As in many of my vivid dreams I was trying to find my way over the river. In this case the maze of streets were so confusing and I had no idea which way to turn. So I kept walking until I woke up.

Oopsie!

2011-05-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

Make Your Own Bin Laden Tee Shirt

2011-05-09T05:36:00.000-07:00

Some guy has made $2,000,000 last week selling Osama Bin Laden Tee Shirts.

I say Do It Yourself. It's easy if you follow my instructions.

1. By a plain Tee Shirt. You choose the color.

2. Click on one of the pictures below and print it off on your computer to an iron-on transfer

3. Iron it on your Tee Shirt and be the envy of thousands.

Obama's Birth Certificate

2011-04-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

Click document to enlarge

Does anyone besides me think something is hinky about Barack Obama's recently released birth certificate?

Our Country was founded on the principals set forth in the Constitution. U.S. law is based upon the Constitution. Due to this, it is a most valid issue to determine the legal birthplace of the United States President. Especially of a man who spent much of his childhood years in Indonesia.

Conservatives have been asking for President Obama to produce his birth certificate since he was elected. He produced a "short form." Recently the Governor of Hawaii made a statement that Mr. Obama's birth certificate would be impossible to produce.

Donald Trump, whose motto is "With great money, comes great power" was able to coerce the State of Hawaii and the President to come up with a "long form" birth certificate. Why did it take three years, for the President who promised a new era of government transparency?

Most of us at one time or another are required to present our birth certificate. I have my birth certificate and my wifes. Both were from a mimeograph stencil on plain paper. The borders are distinct and both of ours are stamped with an indelible seal. In fairness, I will say I am nine years older than Mr. Obama.

Consider the following points and click on the birth certificate at the bottom of the screen to view the issues.

1. President Obama's birth certificate is printed green paper with a security background and does not have a seal.

2. At the top of the page we see Single - Twin - Triplet. There are X's above the words Twin and Triplet. What is that all about?

3. Mr. Obama was born August 4, 1961. His father did not sign the certificate until August 7th, 1961 and the Doctor did not sign it until August 8th, 1961. The date accepted by local register is August 8th, 1961. Odd? Why is the bottom section that says, "Evidence for delayed filing or alteration" not filled in, since it was delayed?

4. On the right side of the document there are some numbers written vertically. 2-9-9-1. What is the reason?

5. The box next to the type of medical professional is smudged. Didn't the doctor know he was an M.D.?

6. There are some barely visible 0's written here.

7. The signature of the register appears to be Ukelee. Was his/her name Ukulele? Most strange.

8. It is signed and stamped "I certify this is a true copy or abstract record on file in the Hawaii department of health" What is an abstract record and why is it in boldface?

Click document to enlarge

One last thought, and I do not want to sound racist, but in 1961 Black People were not listed as African, they were listed as Negro on legal documents. Perhaps the word African was used in deference to his father being a citizen of Kenya.

I have included a link to a somewhat different birth certificate for Barack Obama that has different information, including the signature of his grandmother instead of his father. It also lists evidence for the delay (in filing). I cannot validate the authenticity of this document, but I will say that it certainly does give a more realistic appearance of a 1961 birth certificate than the green form that was recently released. As I say in my disclaimer, these are my opinions.

Easter 2011

2011-04-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

Thank you Johnny Hart for the Easter comic strips. They were always the best.

*Please click strip to enlarge*

When The Polar Bear Beat the Shit Out Of A T. Rex

2011-04-11T03:11:00.000-07:00

The Bear came to see. The Bear came to play. There was no T. Rex anywhere on that day. Bear sat in the woods and he made number two. For you see he’s a bear and that is what they do.

When all of a sudden from over the hill, there came the T. Rex, the T. Rex named Bill. “Get ready to rumble,” said Bill the T. Rex. The bear looked him over and tore into his neck. Bill the T. Rex took off his top hat. He was ready to fight; he would mash the bear flat.

Then in a flurry from out of the blue, came a bevy of lawyers from the ACLU. “Cease and desist,” the attorneys all stated, “Polar Bears are protected, it cannot be debated.” The bear took a swing with his powerful paw; the T. Rex fell down and started to crawl. Then a lawyer caught Bill by his terrible tail and served a subpoena and put him in jail.

So Missy and Julie and Chrissie and Bobby, don’t play with the bears, for it is not a good hobby. When you walk through the woods watch out for their feces and always recall they’re a protected species.

Smiles

2011-04-10T02:26:00.000-07:00

Most people smile because they are friendly. Years ago I knew an attorney who was a prominent politician. He could of been demeaning you, hating you, or suing you for your last dollar, but he always did it with a smile.

The lesson from this was his smile was his mask. It called to mind a childhood book about Davey Crockett that my Mother read to me. The story goes that Davey Crockett had a grinning contest with a grizzly bear. Instead of fighting the grizzly, ol' Davey just grinned that critter away.

When you see a smile like this...

...run the other way.

Koran Burning

2011-04-02T18:30:00.000-07:00

Disgracing Christianity

Last September, some idiot in Florida who claims to be a Christian pastor decided it would be a great idea to burn a Koran. Not content to announce this in the Church’s weekly pamphlet between the opening hymn and the sermon, he instead issued a press release.

This was announced to the world and in the jolly old Middle East; this was cause for inciting a riot. Of course, anything, having to do with Americans and Israel is cause for inciting a riot in the Middle East. So all those men and boys wearing their nightshirts and sandals got out guns, fired bullets in the air and burned effigies of the President and a few Bibles, while shouting “Death to America.” Ladies were not invited, since they were not worthy nor actually considered people.

Victim of Turkish Bible
publisher attack

In the interim, these same rioters have executed several Christians, including an independent Bible publisher. I have not seen a similar outrage in the United States. Perhaps this was because one had to look beyond page 3 of the paper to find this news. Besides, it did not have to do with any sports team winning, which is a justified cause for a riot.

After government pressure including a call from the President and the FBI, the pastor backed off and did not burn a Koran.

Pastor Terry Jones is behind the deaths of UN Workers

Unfortunately, the Press and therefore the public lost interest in the Pastor and his church, thus making the pastor and church very sad. So the pastor got the congregation together and roasted a Koran then made an announcement in the form of another press release. So far a reported 20 people that ran a U.N. mission were killed in retaliation, with another 83 people wounded. However, this so-called Christian jackass has proved his point. Korans are flammable.

Jesus commanded us to love God and love one another. He told us to judge not the you might not be judged. I may be incorrect, but I have not read anything in the Bible instructing us to hate another persons beliefs and incite violence.

It is not my job to pass judgment, but I am of the opinion that the blood of these people is on the hands of Pastor Terry Jones. May the world recognize you for the self serving garbage that you are and the blight you have caused to our faith in a loving God.

Unemployment

2011-03-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

I knew this day was coming. It's the end of the first quarter and my job and department at work were eliminated. I am now a statistic.

There were about 80 people at my site, servicing retirement information and assistance for around 90 to 100 companies. There are four other sites, so there is plenty of assistance for the many calls that come in on a daily and nightly basis.

The company decided to concentrate this service at three sites instead of five. Essentially my job was outsourced, though not overseas, but to a different state.

My city is going to handle one client at that company's request, but the other companies will be serviced in other states. I could have relocated and had a job, however my family is here. I spent ten years living in another state and town. I don't want to go through that again.

Out of the 80 folks in the department, about 25 were chosen to stay to handle the retirement issues for the one company. Most of those had already been working with the company's plan and were familiar with it. Only about 8 people were added. Another 8 were given jobs in a different kind of retirement service. A few were able to obtain work in the processing department. A few more opted to relocate. This left about 10 of us out in the cold.

The one thing that irks me is that I applied for at least six other jobs within the firm and was told I could not have them since, "Someone needs to be here to close things out." I don't want to give the impression that I am bitter, but it would not be realistic to not be somewhat upset.

My former employer is a wonderful company. The best in the business. Their ethics are above board. Compared to other firms that offer similar service, they are numero uno. I proud as heck to have worked for them.

I've learned so much working there. Not just about the financial industry, but about handling people. I enjoy talking, dispensing advice and offering solutions to all the problems that can crop up.

In the nine and a half years that I have been working I estimate that I have assisted almost 200,000 individuals with solutions. Many of them spoke a language other than English and I was able to help. One guy spoke an unusual Cajun dialect and he went away happy. I've talked with people as far south as Uruguay and as far north as Quebec and Norway and Sweden. I've spoke with people in Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Libya and the Urkraine not to mention 90% of the calls from all over the United States. I would say about 1 or 2% of those folks were very unpleasant, but most of the time, it was a joy to speak with my customers.

An old friend once told me, if you love your job at least 50% of the time, you will be successful. A chapter in my life is over and I'm ready to go on to the next.

When You're Smilin'

2011-03-23T22:58:00.000-07:00

When your Smilin', when your smilin', the whole world smiles with you.

He? She? Who?

2011-03-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I took a phone call from someone concerned about their retirement. The co-worker that transferred the call explained to me that the person waiting to speak to me was at one time John Smith (of course not the actual name), but he had gender reassignment surgery and is now Lisa Smith (also not the actual name) and I should address this man...uh woman as Lisa.

Needless to say it was a rather weird experience for this white bread, Bible belt, corn-fed Cracker.

I try to be nice to everyone and not let differences bother me. But wow! To think someone would undergo extensive surgery to have their thingie removed., because they don't like being a man or a woman.

What do they call the surgery? A lopitophome?

I recently heard someone talking about Sonny and Cher's daughter/son Chastity, who is now known as Chas. They said the surgical procedure she underwent was called an Addadictome. Lisa had his removed.
Was it worth the expense and pain? What drives a person to desire to become an imitation of the opposite sex?

This phenomena is nothing new. As a teen, I had to ride the public bus to school. Every morning this strange little person would get on the bus. My friends asked their parents if this was a man or a woman. They were told it was a he-she. Every day the he-she wore the same garb; a plaid wool skirt that resembled a kilt, knee high socks with men's oxford shoes, a sports jacket and a type of beret called a tam-o-shanter. If I didn't have to get off at school, I would have loved to follow the he-she to work to see which restroom was put to use.

I don't know if this is a glandular thing or what. It must be hell going through life, wishing you were something you are not. Be thankful for who and what you are.

I wonder when a person who had transgender surgery gets to be sixty and their hormones settle down, do they regret their decision?

I also wonder which restroom Lisa uses?

Lake Marie © by John Prine

2011-03-22T04:56:00.000-07:00

We were standing
Standing by peaceful waters
Standing by peaceful waters
Whoa Wah Oh Wha Oh
Whoa Wah Oh Wha Oh

Many years ago along the Illinois-Wisconsin Border
There was this Indian tribe
They found two babies in the woods
White babies
One of them was named Elizabeth
She was the fairer of the two
While the smaller and more fragile one was named Marie
Having never seen white girls before
And living on the two lakes known as the Twin Lakes
They named the larger and more beautiful Lake, Lake Elizabeth
And thus the smaller lake that was hidden from the highway
Became known forever as Lake Marie

Many years later I found myself talking to this girl
Who was standing there with her back turned to Lake Marie
The wind was blowing especially through her hair
There was four Italian sausages cooking on the outdoor grill
And Man, they was ssssssssizzlin'
Many years later we found ourselves in Canada
Trying to save our marriage and perhaps catch a few fish
Whatever seemed easier
That night she fell asleep in my arms
Humming the tune to 'Louie Louie'
Aah baby, We gotta go now.

The dogs were barking as the cars were parking
The loan sharks were sharking the narcs were narcing
Practically everyone was there
In the parking lot by the forest preserve
The police had found two bodies
Nay, naked bodies
Their faces had been horribly disfigured by some sharp object
Saw it on the news
On the TV news
In a black and white video
You know what blood looks like in a black and white video?
Shadows, Shadows that's exactly what it looks like
All the love we shared between her and me was slammed
Slammed up against the banks of Old Lake Marie, Marie

We were standing
Standing by peaceful waters
Standing by peaceful waters
Whoa Wah Oh Wha Oh
Whoa Wah Oh Wha Oh
Whoa Wah Oh Wha Oh
Whoa Wah Oh Wha Oh

Standing by peaceful waters
Peaceful waters
Standing by peaceful waters
Peaceful waters
Standing by peaceful waters
Peaceful waters
Standing by peaceful waters
Peaceful waters
Ahh baby, we gotta go now

John Prine was a late comer to the folk scene. He was discovered by Kris Kristoferson when he was playing music at a Chicago folk club. He was even hailed as the New Dylan.

Prine is a prolific song writer and has been dubbed legendary; something he talks about tongue-in-cheek during his performances. He has won a Grammy for his album The Missing Years. He has also survived a battle with throat cancer. Lake Marie and In Spite of Ourselves are my favorite Prine songs. Here is my take on Lake Marie.

I have known guys like the narrator of Lake Marie. Guys that have no direction, no goals, no worries and not many cares except for getting by day to day.

This song is about the Twin Lakes in Kenosha Wisconsin on the boarder of Illinois and Wisconsin, Lake Elizabeth and Lake Marie.

Illinois history figures strongly in Prines song, which would make sense, since he grew up and worked in Chicago. The chorus is sung, but the verses are spoken in story form.

The first verse has it roots in reality. Mary Ray, a native of

England

was born June 15, 1816. She came to

America

is 1833 and resided in what was to become known as "English Prairie". In 1837 she was married to Jonathan Ineson, also an early settler on the prairie. Their son Robert was the first born son in the County. There were eight children in all, including the first set of twins born on the prairie. The girls were baptized Mary and Elizabeth. Both lakes were named after these girls, Lake Mary & Lake Elizabeth, which extended into Illinois, and almost to the English Prairie. Indian raids on towns and settlers camps were a clear threat in that time period and many times the captives were women and young girls. However, this is where the song deviates from reality. Mary and Elizabeth were never abandoned by their parents or taken in by Indians.

However, in 1832, during the Black Hawk War, there were two sisters held captive by a group of Potawatomi Indians.

The sisters lived in the town of Johnsburg, which was near Kenosha. The Twin Lakes region was inhabited by Potawatomi Indians prior to being settled by white people.

The second verse is perhaps about a relationship that Prine actually had or perhaps was mythical. Most great writers use experience as a basis. Prine spins the yarn in his own easy going style mixing reality and absurdity.

He’s falling in love, but remembering grilling sssssausages. He’s attempting to put his marriage back together and trying to catch fish.

The third and most disturbing verse speaks of a travesty the narrator says he watched on television. But is it about this same couple being savagely massacred or is it about the news event?

From a historical perspective, The Black Hawk War started when Chief Black Hawk joined with other tribes fighting to save their land. The event became a travesty. While escaping military forces, many women, children and elderly people were starving and could not continue. They were left to die along the way. Many times they were slain by their own tribe members to put and end to their suffering. Sometimes they were slain by the military. Did Prine have this event in mind?

One other thought concerns two serial killers that grew up or made there home in this area, John Wayne Gacy and Jeffry Dahmer. Is the song about an event caused by one of these animals?

The narrator concludes the verse by saying all the love between her and me was slammed against the banks of Old Lake Marie. Did this event end their lives and love or was the narrator watching it on television and bemoaning the loss of his own love?

"Shadows, shadows, that's exactly what it looked like."

He then shifts from his frantic thoughts back to the peaceful verse remembering; We were standing beside peaceful waters.

I Bet They'll Call Her Peanut

2011-03-20T10:58:00.001-07:00

If A...

2011-03-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

...pig loses its voice....is it disgruntled?

The Serenity Prayer

2011-03-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

For all of us old foggies, I thought this was a pretty good prayer.

“God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the Good Fortune to run into the ones I do, and the Eyesight to tell the difference.”

And for all of the working stiffs, I offer this:

"Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work
12% on Monday.
23% on Tuesday.
40% on Wednesday.
20% on Thursday.
5% on Friday.

And help me to remember...

When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Amen."

How It All Started

2011-02-27T15:53:00.000-08:00

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service

Unions

2011-02-25T02:57:00.000-08:00

In my opinion, labor unions have shot themselves in their collective feet over and over again. Wisconsin and Ohio government employees are picketing the respective Capitols and have called in recruits from other labor unions to add support. These government employees would like to keep the status quo, however times have changed, the economy has changed and most of us have to budget our hard earned dollars.

At issue are things that have been common in private sector industries for many years.

Wisconsin and Ohio workers are now asked to contribute to their pensions, as the States cannot bear this burden. I am extremely familiar with the way pensions work and current industry issues. Most pension plans have not allowed individual contributions for years.

Many, many companies have frozen the employees pension, meaning the company no longer contributes, but allows the plan and trust to remain for employee retirement.

Some of these companies encourage workers to contribute to their 401(k) plan by offering a higher match. Too many companies have recently had their pensions taken over by the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation (quasi government agent that acts as an insurer for pensions) since their pension plans have fallen at or below 60% funding.

401(k) plans have been around since the early 1980's as a way to save money for retirement. The employee puts in a little money every payday and in many cases the company puts in some matching contributions.

However the picketing government workers do not want to have to contribute to their retirement plan as all the private sector employees must. They have been used to being taken care of all these years.

They are squabbling about healthcare insurance. Despite ObamaCare that promised us affordable health insurance, it is anything but.

Each year most private sector employees are asked to pay a larger share of the companies health insurance premium. These union folks do not want this to happen.

I spent over ten years working in Middletown Ohio starting in 1977. Middletown was the home of Armco Steel and was a strong union town.

Working at Armco was a rough and sometimes dangerous job. The workers took pride in the fact they were American and produced an American product.

Woe to anyone that purchased a Toyota or Honda vehicle. They would find their car with a smashed windshield. Armco folks didn't cotton up to no foreigners.

These workers were well compensated with many making $60 to 80,000 annually. This is in 1980 dollars.

I knew many Armco employees that bragged about the fact they had twelve weeks of vacation. The high salaries, the 3 month vacations and the other benefits the employees were given was a result of their union.

Several years after I left Middletown things began to change. More steel was being imported from Japan and Korea by U.S. automobile manufacturers since it was cheaper. Bethlehem Steel in Pennsylvania folded. Any stock given to the employees was worthless.

Armco tried to survive, but feared the worst. In 1989, Armco's management reached a deal with Kawasaki Steel of Japan to purchase 40% of the company. The name changed to AK Steel.

In 2004 union workers threatened a strike and the company held a lockout that resulted in loss of unions jobs and eventually closed their Ashland Kentucky plant. The company moved their headquarters out of Middletown to nearby West Chester Ohio. The American and Japanese flags both fly over the plant these days. The once strong union is now a shadow of things that were.

I foresee this happening with government unions throughout our Country. The government is not busting unions, unions are doing it to themselves.

It's Gettin' Crazy Out There

2011-02-22T23:55:00.000-08:00

Self-described "civil rights advocates" say that a ballot proposition to ban circumcision is on track for gathering signatures, meaning that San Franciscans may vote on the measure this November.

It's part of a national push to end the procedure, which some say is steeped in tradition but poses risks and has little medical benefit. The American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Medical Association do not recommend routine circumcision. However if you actually read their policy statement you will understand San Francisco politicians are making a mountain out of a Mohel hill.

Although San Francisco liberal gays whose lives are focused mainly on their weiner will not admit it, studies indicate that circumcision does reduce the risk of STD transmission. Some say it inhibits sexual feeling. But who knows. If you have lived all your life without a hood on your winkie, face it, you ain’t going to miss it.

Several Jewish organizations have weighed in against the ban, as well, pointing out that circumcision rituals play an important historical role for many Jews. Those pursuing this to be law contend that adults would be free to opt-in to circumcision, but infants would not be allowed to have the procedure until they reach 18.

Whoa! I used to be a surgical technician. I have seen an adult undergo circumcision. It is extremely painful.

If it passes, those caught cutting foreskins would face a fine of $1,000 and a year in prison.

Why are they making such and issue over a small piece of tissue?

Arvada Colorado Police are defending the way they handled the arrest of an 11-year-old boy.

The boy was arrested, hauled away in handcuffs, and booked at the local constabulary for drawing stick figures in school. He suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder and his therapist suggested drawing pictures as a way to deal with anger issues at school.

Last October, he drew stick figures of himself with a gun, pointed at four other stick figures with the words "teacher must die."

The boy drew the pictures to let out angry emotions. Tim, his parents, and his therapist say it was not a threat and that Tim would never hurt anyone.

The school was aware that the boy was in treatment, determined he was not a threat, notified his parents and sent him back to class.

The boy calmed down and was throwing the picture away when his teacher saw him and sent him to the principals office.

However, Arvada Police showed up at their home later that night.

They put him in a cell, took his mug shot, fingerprinted him and charged with a third degree misdemeanor, interfering with staff and students at an educational facility. He is on probation now and once successfully completing this, the charges will be dropped. However, the boys family has spent several thousand dollars on attorney to defend their son.

The boy and his parents were trying to do right by cooperating with the police, however they now feel they should have remained silent and hired an attorney.

I recall this same issue creeped up a couple of years ago. What is wrong with the world these days. The kid is only eleven. I realized this is Colorado. But allow the kid some feelings.

One would think the school talk to him about anger issues instead of arresting him?

May the good Lord help him if he brings finger-nail clippers to class!

Television

2011-02-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

Television has played an important part in my life. My own Grandmother left me her old Philco TV when she passed away.

When I was only two or three, Uncle Al, Captain Kangaroo, Pinky Lee, Howdy Doody and Skipper Ryle fascinated me.

So did Roy Rogers, The Cisco Kid, Wyatt Earp, Wild Bill Hickcock, and Rin Tin Tin. As I grew older other shows caught my attention such as Perry Mason, Death Valley Days, The Twilight Zone, all the 1960's Warner Brothers western shows, Sugar Foot, Cheyenne and Maverick. Though I didn't actually understand it, Have Gun, Will Travel was a favorite, as was Bonanza.

I'm leaving out the cartoons with Tom and Jerry, Mickey Mouse and all the Disney shows, Huckleberry Hound, Heckle and Jeckyl, Yogi Bear, Quick Draw McGraw, Bugs Bunny the Flintstones, the Jetsons, Tom Terrific and Pixie and Dixie. Sherri Lewis and Lamb Chop were great. I grew up watching The Mickey Mouse Club with all it's great serials and music.

We even were able to pull in shows from Dayton, Ohio TV stations such as the Uncle Orie Show and Clutch Cargo. There were some locally produced shows from Cincinnati that fascinated me, such as Stringbean, Mr. Hop and every year during Christmas time someone from one of the local stations would dress up as Santa and a female staff member would be his elf.

Night time TV featured musical entertainment and variety shows with comedy, dancing and skits, with the likes of Sid Ceasar, Jack Benny, Jackie Gleason, Gary Moore, George Goebel and Carol Burnett. Ed Sullivan brought us circus acts, opera singers, puppets and great pop music acts.

The Muppet Show was amazing. Perry Como, Andy Williams, Dinah Shore to name a few were very entertaining. This encouraged us to develop talent.

These were all well thought out entertainment with story lines, comedy writers, professional musicians and singers and professional voice talent.

So last night I took my mother out to eat. We were too late to sit in the dining room of her favorite restaurant, so we sat in the bar which had multiple televisions featuring shows I have never seen.

First up was the Amazing Race, in which family and friends are pitted against other family and friends and made to chase each other around the world to see who gets to the correct spot first. The plot and storyline were lacking. The actors couldn't act.

It would have been more entertaining to see Dick the Bruiser take on the Sheik in Big Time Wrestling. At least that had some acting.

Next up was Undercover Boss. This is where the chief executive officer of a company grows whiskers, dyes their hair and wears a fake mustache in order to interact with the lackies and schleps that work for him.

He becomes all dewy eyed at their hard work, dedication and how hard their job really is. He never realized this since he was on vacation or playing golf while his minions were slaving so he could take a vacation and play golf on company time. At the end, he winds up promoting someone or sending another one some money to help their poor family.

At least this show has more of a story, although the reality is that this is the way business works and has since England created serfdoms. I wonder if they will ever do an Indonesian version of this in which the boss goes undercover and promotes a couple of twelve year old factory worker to shop foreman or gives them an hour off, or two potty breaks a day.

There are other excellent TV shows lately such as Iron Chef, Cake Wars, that stuck-on-an-island show which I never watch. There is that gourmet restaurant show with that jack-ass that screams and embarrasses everyone. What art!

For the past several years we have been able to gather around the old idiot box and watch nightly autopsies on CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Criminal Minds and others.

Perhaps one of these day, television will go back to good wholesome entertainment without reality shows or violence or violent reality shows.

Until then, I am reading books.

Sonny's Dream

2011-02-11T14:20:00.000-08:00

Sonny's Dream is a folk song written by Newfoundlander Ron Hynes in 1976. It was recorded by him on "Living in a Fog" by the Wonder Grace Band, which was founded by Hynes, in 1981.

The song was heard by Hamish Imlach, a Scottish folksinger, while on a trip to Canada, who modified it somewhat and played it in folk-clubs in Britain. There it was heard by popular Irish folksinger Christy Moore. He recorded it and passed it on to other artists in Ireland.

Hamish Imlach & Christy Moore

Though the song was written with the far northern Atlantic Island of Newfoundland in the mind of it's author, the songs descriptive verse is reminiscent of life along the Irish coast.

I first heard this song and like many listeners assumed it was about a boy who wasted his life taking care of his mother, after his father abandoned the family.

Jean Redpath

I recall listening to Jeane Redpath sang it in the mid 1980's on Prairie Home Companion and was backed up by Chet Atkins, famous Texas swing fiddle player Johnny Gimble, mandolin player and songwriter Peter Ostroushko, and back up singer Prudence Johnson. I thought the melody was as haunting as the lyrics. The rolling 4/4 rhythm added to the songs appeal, making one think of the waves rolling soft against the piers.

Gimble * Atkins * Ostroushko * Johnson

Later recordings that I have come across play it too slow or too fast.

I love to learn the meanings behind the music. This song is deceptive until you scratch beneath the surface.

Ron Hynes wrote this song about his autistic son. It's not about boy wasting his life, but about the mother who has devoted her life to caring for her son.

Here is the songs author playing Sonny's Dream in Gander, Newfoundland.

Sixth Grade with Miss Bohn

2011-02-04T22:51:00.000-08:00

My sixth grade year found me back in Ginny Bohn's classroom. Let me describe it to you. This was an large old school that was new in 1922. The classrooms for the first through the third grade were all in a new wing. They were bright and shiny with linoleum floors and bright ceiling lites.

We had windows where we could see the outside world and cement block walls that were painted yellow. The teacher had a large desk in the front of the class and the students had small desks that increased in size as we got older. Behind the teacher on the wall was a long green chalk board.

Miss Bohns class was
on this side of the building

Miss Bohn's class was in the old building. The old wooden floors that were showing their age. A wooden door with a window lead to the entrance of the room and to a short hallway that was about 7 feet in length. On the right side was the cloak room with coat hooks along the walls.

The classroom was a very large area that was surrounded with windows on two sides. Through the outer portion of the windows there were protective black metal screens. I imagine they were placed their to keep balls and stones from breaking the windows, as well as keep intruders out of the school. But I thought perhaps they were there to keep we kids from escaping.

The windows are
updated but that is
Woodfill School

At the front of the class was a very long black chalk board. The fifth grade students sat in one end of the room facing the chalk board. The sixth grader sat in the other end and were divided into two groups of about eight kids. Eight sat on one side of the room and eight more sat on the other side facing each other. Our desks were perpendicular to the fifth grade.

Miss Bohn's desk was on the far side of the room opposite the classroom door and hall. Behind her was an American flag. Each room had an American flag and a Kentucky state flag. Each morning we began the day by reciting the pledge of allegiance and reading a scripture. Generally it was one of the more popular psalms.

This may seem strange in this day where faith and worship have been strained out of school like juice through a colander Note how I call my teacher Miss. There were only two titles for women in the 1950's and sixties; Miss was for non-married women and Mrs. was for married women. Ms didn't come along until years later. Faith and prayer were welcome in public schools back in these days.

There were some downsides to growing up in Leave It To Beaver-Land.

For one thing there was a terrible disease that some knew as infantile paralysis or Polio. Several kids that I went to school with had it. They were fine one day and woke up the next to find they couldn't walk or use their arm.

The worst was the kids that became paralyzed in their diaphragm and could not breath. Many children spent years in what was known as an iron lung.

A vaccine was developed to fight polio by a doctor named Albert Sabin. Then later Dr. Salk from Cincinnati Children's Hospital developed an oral vaccine. I recall my family going to St. Thomas School several times to swallow a sugar cube that was laced with the vaccine. It was great since some of the kids that hobbled around on crutches were able to walk again.

Another downside was the scarcity of air-conditioning. We did not have it at school during September or May when the temperature was sweltering. We didn't really notice it.

Some restaurants and movie theaters were air-conditioned. But most houses did not have units installed.

We survived the heat at our house with a big fan that Dad had installed in the attic and he kept buying what he called hassock fans.

This was a round unit that sat on the floor and looked like something to set your feet on while sitting in a chair.

They worked great until someone in my family gave into temptation and stuck their fingers into the metal fan blades, or decided the flimsy plastic top would be a good place to sit.

Upon coming back to school in September, I noticed there was something different about the girls.

Their bodies no longer looked like sausages with skinny legs, arms and a head with long hair. We boys found their shapes were now...uh...very intriguing. We guys didn't know exactly what to think about this transformation.

The girls quit playing kick ball and tag with us and started whispering to each other, which made the boys all that more inquisitive.

One time I came back from recess to find a note on my desk that said Cindy loved me. I must have turned twelve shades of red and hid the note in my pocket before anyone else saw it.

By the way, Cindy was this really tall, dark haired, pretty girl that I had known since kindergarten. She had an incredibly soft high pitched voice. I always thought she sounded like a cartoon character. Later in life I became great friends with her parents.

One of the sadder days was when my friend Wayne came to class and was bawling his eyes out. Miss Bohn attempted to calm him down, but there was nothing she could do. Finally he blurted out that his grandfather had shot himself and committed suicide. I think she took him to the principals office and someone drove Wayne to his home.

In the fifth grade and sixth some of us had started taking instrumental music class. We all went to Willis Music and rented instruments with an option to buy them. I chose the clarinet.

Mr. Kaiser was the teacher. He was a middle aged bald fellow that taught us just enough about the instrument to be dangerous and loud. If we wanted any more instruction we would have to seek it out ourselves.

We had graduated in vocal music as well to learning to sing in two part harmony. Unfortunately pretty Mrs. Reif had left teaching several years earlier. Miss Woolfolk was the music teacher. She was an attractive woman, but she was no Mrs. Reif.

Occasionally Miss Woolfolk brought in her auto harp to accompany us. We were no longer singing about The People on the Bus or Old Black Joe. (Yes we really did learn that Stephen Foster song in school. In fact we sung the original words to My Old Kentucky Home.) We had now graduated to such harmonizing songs as The Mule in the Mines, Drill Ye Tarriers, Drill, Lottie Walked and The Tortilla Song. I always enjoyed vocal music.

Miss Bohn wanted us in the worst way to have great handwriting. So she instructed us all to go out and buy cartridge fountain pens. This of course was a huge mistake, as we all became stained with ink. There was more ink on our fingers than on the paper. My handwriting is still the worst way. So I print everything.

Miss Bohn was determined that we also learn songs about science. So we sang about the colors in the rainbow, the sun and the order of the planets (this was before Pluto got booted out of the galaxy.)

One day she told us the school was adding a reading lab. I was so excited. We were going to go to a secret room in the school and all don white coats and safety glasses to mix up strange smelling chemicals and then read all about them.

Imagine my disappointment when the reading lab turned out to be a cardboard box that was divided into sections for the slower to the advanced students. I didn't need a reading lab.

I was already reading Mad Magazine and all the great comic books of the day. By now I had made my way as an advanced reader.

Somehow my school district made a pact with the city's Churches that allowed students to spend an hour a week in an elective class as long as they had parental consent. This elective class was a Bible class taught at the Church behind the school.

Once again the poor Banke sisters were not permitted to go due to their bone-headed cult following parents.

I can't say I learned much about the Bible in this class. I learned more about what songs the girls liked, what boys the girls liked and which girl had graduated from a triple A no cup to an A cup.

In these days we were old enough to be Boy Scouts. A group of us had started out as Cub Scouts and wore our uniforms to school every Friday. We now were Boy Scouts and wore khaki uniforms with large neckerchiefs. We wore these to school every Friday. What is more, we could carry our Boy Scout knives to class without fear of being suspended. We were stylin' in those days.

During this year, I learned the danger of having a hyphenated surname. A new girl came to the sixth grade. He name was Ann Dameron-Lackey. However when she was introduced to the class, the note Miss Bohn received from the principal spelled out her name as Lackey Ann Dameron. For the rest of the year she was Lackey Ann. I think she straightened this out the following year in middle school.

Our gym teacher

We also had a new gym teacher this year. The girls all thought he was hot, since he bore a slight resemblance to Ringo Starr. He taught us a lot of new calisthenics and how to tumble. I was pretty good at this for a while until I got the wind knocked out of me a couple times.

He wanted to teach us to wrestle. This was to be after school. So we had to all go to this small room in the gym and get out of our clothes to change to gym clothing. I was mortified. Changes were going on with my body and I was sprouting hair in extremely unusual places.

I figured I was the only one afflicted with this phenomenon.

I hurried after school to the gym room and jumped out of my clothes and into my gym clothes as quick as I could. My fears were alleviated when I saw that all my friends were also beset by this strange plague of body hair.

A reward of being a sixth grader and a Boy Scout was to raise and lower the American Flag on the pole in front of the school. I always made to the afternoon lowering ceremony, but was usually too late for the morning raising of the flag.

I spent some great years at Woodfill School. The teachers were all precious to me. Those old boys and girls I went to school with were the best. I'd hug 'em all if they were here.

Old days, good times I remember. Fun days, days I'll always treasure.

Miss Bohn

2011-02-01T21:32:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of being in Virginia "Ginny" Bohn's class for two years. This was another one of those split classes of Fifth grade and Sixth grade. There was no doubt about it Miss Bohn was my favorite teacher.

She was a fairly attractive middle-aged woman that had a hint of gray hair. The group of boys that I pal'd around with gave her the royal treatment. We'd pull her chair out for her, we'd carry her lunch tray and invite her to eat lunch in the cafeteria with us. I do not recall her once getting angry at the class. It was a great couple of years, as she was my Fifth and Sixth grade teacher.

She tried to sing with us, but claimed she ruined her voice screaming at kids. She never raised her voice at us.

She would take us to the gym and teach us to square dance. She had a record collection of New England square dance folk songs she would play. Although it wasn't in our curriculum she taught us to speak a few words and phrases in Spanish.

She also spent time reading to us a collection of wonderful books I will never forget such as Snow Treasure, A Wrinkle in Time, The Jungle Book and a book called Attack on Pearl Harbor, which was about children that lived through that day.

Woodfill School celebrated May Day each year. The May Pole Dance was done by the girls in our class. They would all dress up in white blouses and blue skirts and dance around a tall pole that was strung with long white and blue streamers.

The girls would dance and skip with each holding a streamer. Eventually weaving the streamers around that pole in a basket design.

The event included a Sousa marching song, which I thought was great because it was the same song they used to advertise Hudepohl Beer. One of the mothers of a classmate had a beautiful voice and she would always sing for us. The odd thing was she would do this by standing on the schools roof.

I recall several tragic events from this year. The school had a large room in the center that was turned into a library. We went to the library twice a week and were allowed to borrow a book.

One Friday afternoon I was in the library reading a book. It must have been around one o'clock. All of a sudden the schools public address system came on. The principal, Sam King, had placed a radio next to the microphone. We heard the voice of Walter Cronkite, the news man, say, "The President of the United States has been shot."

I was stunned. We had been studying American history and the Civil War. We had learned about President Lincoln's assassination. I remember thinking, "This can't be happening! This is 1963 and we are so much more civilized than people were one-hundred years ago."

Miss Bohn came and gathered us back into her room, just as Cronkite announced, "The President of the United States, John F. Kennedy is dead." All of the teachers and some of the students were in tears. Within a few minutes Mr. King announced that school was dismissed.

My grandmother that I called Dandy had moved in with us and took over Julianne's bedroom. In the summer of 1963 my Uncle Clyde, her son, had died at age 53 or 54 from lung cancer.

My Mom's sister's husband, Uncle George passed away in August of September of that year.

While Dandy was still in mourning for Clyde she became ill. I never knew what was wrong with her, but I suspect it was colon cancer.

She lived long enough to see the Kennedy funeral and she died in December of 1963. I came home from school and saw her death certificate on to off the television. The shock hit me like a ton of bricks.

In 1963 we were allowed to have Christmas parties in school. The classroom was decorated and we sang Christmas carols. We had two girls in this class that were sisters, Esther and Martha Banke.

Their parents were Jehovah Witnesses and refused to let these girls participate in the party. The girls were made to stand in the hall outside the classroom door. They looked through the window as tears fell down their cheeks.

I made it through the winter, despite all the homework, long division, multiplication, fractions and addition of rows upon rows of numbers. I learned about history, geography and memorized the capitols of each state. I memorized the Preamble to the Constitution and some of the Declaration of Independence.

We learned how to diagram a sentence, verb and adverb usage and how not to dangle our participles.

Summer eventually arrived.

And though I was very fond of Miss Bohn, I was glad to be on summer break.

Mrs. Schearer

2011-01-30T21:11:00.000-08:00

My fourth grade teacher was Mrs. Daisy Shearer. I had no idea until recently that she was a friend of my mother. Otherwise I would have played upon that strategy. This was the worst period of my time in elementary school.

I have no idea why I did not get along well with Mrs. Schearer. I don't recall her doing anything to me to cause ill feelings. Perhaps it was just my attitude. At any rate, I was in fourth grade and hated it.

Compounding this was the fact that we must not have had enough fourth grade students or perhaps enough fifth grade students because they decided the would be a combined class of the fourth and fifth grade.

The fifth graders had their desks turned away from the fourth graders. They got to stare out the window and we got to stare at the blackboard. By the way, this was back in the day when schools had actually black slate boards that were held in place by a wooden frame.

Teachers used chalk, which occasionally screeched if it was held incorrectly, thus sending out a wicked noise that made one cringe.

Mrs. Schearer would teach the fourth grade reading, writing or mathematics and give us some busy work, then go to the other side and teach the fifth grade. Maybe this lack of attention irked me.

The fourth grade was an introduction to multiplication of large figures and long division. We also suffered through adding sums of great columns of numbers.

The homework was the worst. We were sent home with a ton of homework and expected to come back in the morning with our work completed without errors. I had no idea what was the quotient of 2,758 divided by 631, and I did not really care.

Today's children are allowed to cheat by using calculators. We did not have calculators in 1962. Dad had a large heavy adding machine that had a crank on it. He would punch in figures, then pull the handle to add more figures then pull the crank handle again for the sum. We had our fingers, which were put to great use.

We had to actually write out:

631)2758 = 631 x 4 = 2524 2758 - 2524 = 234)631 = .3708 = 4.3708

We generally had about 30 to 50 of these number problems to figure out each night. I whined. My parents yelled. I got tired and stayed up to late doing math problems and then had to write a report on the first chapter of my history book. I woke up cranky and the cycle repeated.

I don't recall consciously devising a scheme to vent my anger, but my plan of action was to write in really small print. I had no idea about fonts or type size, but I if I knew then what I know now, I would say I used about a 8 point type with a Lydian Cursive font. Kids don't have much ammunition to choose from when you are dealing with the teacher and I used what I had.

The complaints started coming home. "You are going to have to ask Marc to write his words and numbers bigger. I can not read them." A-ha; You've discovered my plan.

Somehow I tried to make nice with Mrs. Schearer by cleaning erasers and wiping down the blackboard.

But then I went home and drew evil caricatures of her, before starting my homework.

Mrs. Shearer by
Marc O'Hara age 9

This could have been a much better year.

Miss Corman

2011-01-29T18:04:00.000-08:00

As I recall, the third grade was uneventful. Miss Madeline Corman was my teacher. She seemed normal enough. She wore womens clothing, including dresses and had no noticeable body hair. She did not utilize humiliation or hair-pulling as a means of torture

She was the second teacher to allege that I was a day-dreamer. Perhaps it would have helped if I was not seated by a window, which allowed a clear view of escape and the freedom to enjoy a nice sunny day.

During this year she introduced us to cursive writing, simple multiplication and division.

We improved our reading skill by thoroughly examining the life of a different family; Alice and Jerry.

Alice and Jerry were much like Dick and Jane, but less metropolitan. Dick and Jane seemed to live in a subdivision in the Midwestern United States. Alice and Jerry were more rural in their lifestyle.

They didn't run or jump quite as much as Dick and Jane. I don't recall if Alice and Jerry had a younger sibling or any pets. The scenery in their stories was much more woodsy and farm-like. Their grammar and sentence was more sophisticated than that of Dick and Jane or even Sally. I would like to say that it was fascinating to delve into the lives of these children, but in reality, they were rather dull.

This was the first time that I demonstrated my talent for music, which I did during Show and Tell one morning during class. My parents bought me a toy melodica. I was able to coax the tune Over The Rainbow out of it and played it for my class at show and tell.

I wonder if they have Show and Tell at today's elementary school classes? Show and Tell was sort of a cross between American Idol and Antiques Roadshow.

A kid would demonstrate a talent or more often bring in one of their treasures.

I recall any number of times taking to school my father's sabers and bayonet knives which he brought back from World War II for Show and Tell.

I took this for Show and Tell

In this modern age a child doing this would be suspended from school indefinitely and sent away for a psychological evaluation. No one seemed to get excited back in 1960 about bringing weapons, such as a pen knife to school.

Each midday we were sent to the school's gymnasium for calesthenics and games. This was the year we learned to play Dodgeball.

For the uninitiated dodgeball is a game that teaches you to stay the heck out of the way. It is played by choosing the biggest and meanest bully in the class. His job is to throw a basketball at the other children. He must throw this ball with the same speed and impact a major league baseball player utilizes in pitching to a major league batter.

The job of the other children is to line up at the opposite side of the gym, not unlike people in a firing squad. The ball is then hurled at them.

Their goal is to avoid being struck by this fast moving object. Those hit are eliminated from the game and are allowed to go to the school nurse and ice down their hematomas. The game ends when all of the children have been injured.

There are variations of this game such as Smear the Queer or Cream the Creep in which one child is targeted as a mark due to that child's reputation. The game taught us not just about bullies and their effect upon society but was a way to teach us about the danger of fast moving objects.

I recall Miss Corman as a nice lady with a kind disposition. If she was angry, she didn't take it out on us. She left the music instruction up to Mrs. Reif, so we did not learn any show tunes this year. She did complain, because my cursive handwriting was atrocious, which it still is, so I print when I write. I tried my best, but just couldn't make all the curlicues of the letters or make them attach to each other.

I figured out by myself that when multiplying by 9, you just needed to know 1 x 9 up through 5 x 9. For 6 x 9 up to 9 x 9 all you had to do was reverse the numbers to arrive at the answer.

I think this was the first year for homework, which I rebelled against. I spent seven hours a day at school and was a kid. I wanted to go home, play and watch TV. My objections went unnoticed.

As I recall some boy did infiltrate the girls toilet room this year. Miss Corman took all of us down the hall on a tour of the girls room and the boys room, hoping this would eliminate our curiosity. It was a brief but interesting field trip.

This was the year that I learned about being shaken down. Lunch at the school cafeteria was 35 cents. One boy seemed to be lacking a nickel every day and would ask me for money. Since I was a nice kid and trying to be a friend, I gave him a nickel.

So I only had 30 cents and ran up a debt at the cafeteria. My Mother was told by our lunch lady about my shortfall and I had some explaining to do. The kid that was taking advantage of my good nature was giving a stern talking to. Today he is a dentist and overcharges people.

Miss German

2011-01-28T23:18:00.000-08:00

1959 was the year of the Space Race and it was the year for me to spend in Miss German's second grade class.

Miss German was another one of Samuel Woodfill School's gender ambiguous teachers. There was no question that she was a middle-aged woman. All thirty of us second graders were aware of that.

However, she wore dresses and skirts, however she sported a man's Timex wrist watch and never shaved her legs. It was extremely odd to see her wearing stockings that flattened down the dense crop of grayish black hair that grew on her legs.

We all would give our teachers some small Christmas gift each year. Usually a trinket that Mom bought. Some one should have given Miss German a safety razor and a can of Barbasol. She needed to use it on her arms as well.

Miss German also wore a whistle all the time. I think all of the teachers owned a whistle. It was more effective than screaming at us little criminals.

There are a couple of things regarding Miss Germans class that have stayed with me, lo these many years.

First of all, I was tardy nearly every day. I've never been a daytime person. Getting up at seven in the morning to a cold bedroom was no treat. I put my clothes on while sitting on the floor in front of the heat vent.

Subsequently I was ridiculed by Miss German nearly every morning. In fact a few years later, when I was in the fourth grade, I was pulled out of class by Miss German and made to stand in front of that years second grade class. My sister was late to school and blamed me.

Miss German looked at me and declared, "See this boy? He is always tardy. He has made his sister late to school. Do not grow up to be like him!"

If anyone came to school with a new pair of shoes, you were immediately singled out for her ritual. You were made to stand in a circle of children, while they looked at you and sang:

"Oh see his (or her) new shoes, his shiny new shoes. They're made of soft leather for all kinds of weather, oh see his new shoes, his shiny new shoes." How humiliating!

Miss German not only taught us spelling, math and reading, but also most of the songs from the musical Oklahoma.

"Ducks and geese and pigs got to scurry, when I take you out in the surrey." "There's a bright golden haze on the meadow. There's a bright golden haze on the meadow. The corn is as high as an elephant's eye and it looks like it's climbing way up to the sky...Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day."

We learned the song from the Rodger & Hammerstien musical, Carousel, "When you walk through a storm hold you head up high and don't be afraid of the dark." I've avoided walking through storms ever since.

I learned these 51 years ago and they are still stuck in my head!

That little blond girl from Kindergarten was in my class, but alas had lost interest in me. However she looked hot in her new bright blue cat-eye glasses.

She was in the Blue-bird reading group, which was the best. I was in the Red-bird group for readers that made it to the second Dick and Jane reader. The Yellow-bird group was for the pathetic losers that were stuck on the first grade Dick and Jane book with no hope of advancement. I longed to be in the Bluebird group. I think I finally made it.

Miss German was a hair-puller. If you were a boy and did something she didn't like, such as being tardy, she pulled you to her desk by grabbing you by the hair. I wised up and got a butch haircut, which I believe is called a buzz cut now. The barber left a little growth of hair on the front of your head, so you could apply butch-wax to make it stand straight up.

My Dad owned a grocery store and I was under the mistaken impression my family was rich. We weren't, but we were not poor. One day he brought home about fifty cases of Coca-cola.

This was back when Coke came in those little six and a half ounce bottles. He got a good deal and brought them home for storage.

I volunteered him to bring enough of them to class for my 7th birthday. He also brought potato chips and some toy streamers. The whole class had a great time, as they were all wound-up with a sugar buzz and had a time twirling the streamers, much like those little Chinese girls do in the Olympics.

Miss German was one of a kind. About a dozen or so years ago I learned that she was in a nearby nursing home. Whenever the residents got too noisy, she would stand up from her wheel-chair and shout, "Now class, I want you all to be quite...right now!"

Miss Doyle

2011-01-26T09:44:00.000-08:00

Miss Doyle was my first grade teacher. This was during an era when the elementary school teacher requirements stated that the median age was 65. Miss Doyle had left 65 behind at least ten years prior. She could have been home collecting Social Security, but decided to arrive every morning at eight am to teach us little scamps.

Aside from being elderly, she was frail, but she was an excellent and gentle teacher. These were the days when old ladies dressed modestly and the uniform of the day consisted of a flower-patterned dress, opaque stockings and unique orthopedic shoes.

All the old women wore these shoes. They came in one color; black. The looked like men's oxford shoes that tied up the front, but had a two inch heel in the back. The front of the shoe was wide to accommodate arthritis, corns and bunions.

Miss Doyle was an expert at teaching us to spell. We had mastered the alphabet in Miss Moat's kindergarten course and were now ready to tackle putting those letters together. We did this through the aid of those marvelous children, Dick, Jane and Sally accompianied by their dog, Spot and their little cat, Puff.

We spent hours each day reading about Dick running. See Dick Run. Run Dick run. I believe he must have been a marathon runner. Jane did a fair share of jumping. See Jane jump. Jump Jane jump. Sally did a fair share of looking. Look Sally look. We also saw Spot. And of course we saw Puff. See Spot. See Puff. See Spot and Puff. They sure were a swell family, what with the running, jumping and looking. I am sure they all enjoyed great health.

My favorite part of the day occurred when the vocal music teacher arrived. This occurred twice a week. Mrs. Reif was our music teacher and was a lady of Italian descent.

She was tall and tan and young and lovely... I didn't have words at the time, but I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. We progressed from the popular childhood tunes that Miss Moats had sung, to new works such as The Red Bird, Safety First and Row your boat.

Not Mrs. Reif,
but a reasonable facsimile

One of the best days of my six year old life occurred when Mrs. Reif came over to me and said, "Marc has such a wonderful voice. He sings on key. Listen to him class. Now Marc, I want you to sing right into my mouth." Oh my sweet Lord! Singing into Mrs. Reif's mouth with those pouty red lips. For two minutes I was in Heaven.

I cannot recall many other antics that occurred on Miss Doyle's watch, except this boy had gone into the girls bathroom during our potty break. He was the same exhibitionist from Miss Moats class.

This boy was a little different than the rest of us and did not follow instructions very well. He was not only punished, but he was never seen again. This put fear into the rest of us boys. A rumor went around that he was taken to the scary boiler room and used for fuel. We would never, ever sneak into the girls restroom.

I think what actually happened was this child had some psychological issues and was sent to a special school for help. But since everything was hush-hush in those days we were not told what happened to Dennis.
The rest of the year was uneventful.

I still think back and wonder what Dick, Jane and Sally are doing. ...probably running, looking and jumping.

Miss Moats

2011-01-25T18:26:00.000-08:00

In early September of 1957 I was introduced to Betty Jean Moats. I had reached that marvelous apex of five years of age and I cannot describe the joy I felt now that I was able to go to school. So Mom marched me up the street to the big ol' redbrick building that housed Samuel Woodfill School.

On the distal right rear corner of this edifice there was a brown metal door which was the entrance to the kindergarten where Miss Betty Jean Moats was in command I joined the throng of about 40 or so students who were already there in their places with bright shiny faces. In those days I suffered from terminal tardiness, so my first day was no different I was also an alleged daydreamer.

Miss Moats or Moatsie as some of the Moms called her was in her early thirties although she looked really old to a lad of five. She was of average height and weight, but what distinguished her in the eyes of us kids was her hair.

Those were the days of the greasers who wore black leather jackets, tight jeans and boots. Their desired coif was what was called a Pompadour with a DA. DA being the abbreviation for ducks ass.

This condition is achieved by slathering Brylcream or Wildroot on ones hair and combing the top hair toward the back of ones head, then combing the sides in an upward fashion. By doing this, the effect achieved on the back of the head is that the center hair is plastered down the head, while the sides overlap the downward slope. The result resembled the rear end of a duck.

Miss Moats wore her hair in this manner and probably used Brylcreme or Wildroot. For all I know she may have got her hair cut at Smitty's, who was the town barber.

Aside from the unusual hair-do, Miss Moats choice of transportation was also odd. Perhaps it had something to do with lack of funds or perhaps it was just her choice?

Woodfill School

She did not own an automobile. Instead she arrived to school each morning on a Cushman motor scooter.

To a five year old, this was fascinating. We all wanted a motor scooter like hers or at least a jitney, which is the name we gave homemade vehicles made from wooden planks, wooden orange crates and roller skate wheels. However the motor scooter was preferable.

Miss Moats never wore a dress. In fact years later when I saw her around town it was never in a dress. She wore pants and a blouse. It is sort of a misnomer to call it a blouse for it was more of a shirt.

Strapped around her neck was her ever-present whistle on a homemade lanyard. The whistle signaled it was time for recess to end or more often, "you boys are misbehavin', cut it out!"

Kindergarten lasted from 8:30 in the morning until 12:30 in the afternoon. Around 11:30 we were escorted to the cafeteria for a delicious mid-day snack of a half pint of milk and the black cookie. Black cookies are those cheap round things with patterned edges used to make ice cream sandwiches. We each got one sans the ice cream to go with the milk. It cost Mom a quarter every week.

After this we were lead through the frightening furnace boiler room to a metal door that had a small window, which had wire mesh inside, This led us to the kindergarten class.

We all knew that metal door was a blast door that would save us when the boiler blew up. Thankfully we survived Kindergarten with no casualties.

Miss Moats taught us valuable skills such as finger-painting, counting up to ten, and how to paste papers together, wherein we also learned about the delicious taste of white paste. We also learned history when she read us about Chicken Little and Bre'r Rabbit.

And I received my first music education from her.

She accompanied herself on a big old green out-of-tune upright piano as we sang The Farmer In the Dell, The Animal Fair, The Itsy, Bittsy Spider and a rather questionable popular song of the day known as This Old Man.

"This old man, he played one, he played knick-knack on my thumb."

Any adult caught playing knick-knack on a child's thumb today would get at least 25 years in prison and would deserve it.

As I have said school only lasted until 12:30 in the afternoon. The afternoon class arrived at one, so Miss Moats had a half-hour break.

Some of the mothers of the afternoon students arrived to find Miss Moats holding hands with Miss Corman, who became my third grade teacher. I'll let you draw your own conclusions. I recall a time a few years ago, when this sort of behavior was grounds for dismissal, but in 1957 it didn't seem to bother any of the moms and we kids were oblivious of it.

A few antics stand out in my mind from my time in Moatsie's kindergarten.

Miss Moats taught me the proper way to pee.

Yep! The first time I went to stand in front of the urinal I was flanked left and right by other boys.

I dropped my trousers and underwear to the ground so my bare ass stood out. Of course the boys laughed at me.

Miss Moats, who was in the boys room watching us, taught me what that slit in your underwear was for and why mens pants zipped in the front. I shall ever be grateful.

I became aware that girls are much different than boys, especially when one girl named Jane latched onto me and began kissing my arm.

It was very pleasant as I recall. She was a cute little blond. We never progressed beyond arm kissing.

I saw my very first guinea pig in Miss Moats class. It was fascinating to touch that little rodent.

Once I was punished for being too loud during quiet time and was sent off to lay my head on the table with two other youngsters. I sat on one side of the table and the boy and the girl sat on the other side.

We were whispering about the extent of our punishment when
the boy looked over at the girl and said, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." I bet they would have got in a lot more trouble if Miss Moats would have seen that.

I made friends in her class and still keep in touch with some of them.

Woodfill School was home to large and dangerous play equipment which consisted of a ten foot tall metal slide, monkey bars made out of steel bars and a see-saw.

One of my friends had hurt her thighs when her see-saw mate jumped off while she was at the top thus allowing her to pummel to the ground. The bottom of the metal seat cut her and she was sent to the hospital for stitches. The see-saw remained. Litigation had not evolved into what it is today.

The monkey bars were great and we little monkeys scampered all over them, usually hanging upside down. Although occasionally someone banged their head on a bar.

What really bothered me was the slide. This was not because it was tall and not because one had to climb up a steep ladder to reach the top.

What annoyed me was the top of the slide where you positioned yourself had become worn away through years of use and now the aluminum had a brown butt-shaped mark. I was convinced this was caused by the girls.

The girls all wore dresses and their sweaty bottoms had somehow left marks. We boys wore trousers or jeans which prevented any bare bottom parts coming in contact with the slide.

I especially blame Sharon (?) who was the guiltiest of all of the girls.

Sharon often came to school wearing a dress but forgetting to put on her underwear. In my five year old mind I surmised the guilt was upon Sharon. It probably was.

Which blocks match?

Recently I was browsing the internet to see what sort of employment opportunities were available. As I looked at the requirements, I stumbled upon an aptitude test this local corporation uses. Part of this test consisted of four shapes and the object was to determine which shape did not match the other three. I aced it.

Miss Moats gave that same test in 1957.

Miss Moats was a very unique person. God bless her. I guess the most valuable lesson she left me with was that being different is OK.

As she became older, the school hired a helper for her. Miss Corman had passed away.

Moatsie and her helper became life long friends and were seen out often at restaurants eating and probably holding hands under the table.

Crime Scene Clean Up Barbie

2011-01-19T20:38:00.000-08:00

Coming to a store near you; Crime Scene Clean Up Barbie.

After CSI Barbie has found the clues and tagged the evidence, your little investigator will need Crime Scene Clean Up Barbie.

Be sure to get the additional Barbie Pink Crime Scene Clean Up Van with lot's of small parts.
Sold extra.

It's all new from Mattel®

What If Schools Taught Real Workplace Behavior?

2011-01-15T18:21:00.000-08:00

Yearbook Photo

Despite my objections; even as I went kicking and screaming, I had a great high school education. My teachers would attest I was not a good student. In fact some would snicker at even being asked. However some valuable information has been retained for these last 58 years. When compared with those colleagues I work with that are less than half my age, I am puzzled; did they graduate school or just tunnel out to escape? I can prove this. Ask any 20 year old what is MMIX. They will look at you curiously and state it sounds like a new AP for their iPhone

I've worked in the health care industry, the retail industry and for the past decade in the corporate industry and I have come to the conclusion schools need a change in strategy to prepare students for life in the real world. With that said, I am going to propose some ideas, or as business calls them; goals.

I became aware of my surroundings during the Cold War years. This was after I figured out there was no actual Cold War, except for the conflict in Korea that was not allowed to be called a War. There was no actual Iron Curtain, although I was told there was one.

The United States were the good guys and the Soviet Union were the bad guys. They were the enemy, commies or the evil red empire. One of the few ideals that evolved from Soviet Communism was the Five Year Plan. Lenin, Stalin and Kruschev and their evil henchmen all relied on Five Year Plans to establish goals.

Corporate America must of all had their ears pricked up, since they all adopted Five Year Plans, never mind the fact the Soviet Union was failing to meet the needs of its population and eventually self-destructed.

It is my belief that America must change it's primary and secondary school models to prepare students for life in corporate America. I therefore suggest The Corporate School Model for grades K - 12.

Soviet Five Year Plan Poster

To model the goals of corporate America, it's schools need a Five Year Plan. To arrive at a Five Year Plan, students and educators need to decide which students and educators are worthy and which are not. Those distinguished as worthy will be judged on the following criteria:

Youth, Appearance, Health and Size. Essentially what this means is those that appear to be old or merely look old, unattractive or physically damaged, those who are in poor health and those who are overweight and those who are too tall and not able to play sports are unworthy and will be designated as Minions.

Those who appear to be youthful and have retained a pleasing appearance, the beautiful, the handsome, those with no physical impairment and great hair and those that are not considered to be too damned fat will rise to the top as Delegates and Overseers.

To function like a corporation, the delegates and overseers will attend many meetings. Meetings are the soul of the corporate world. Meetings are where decisions are made and decisions are discarded.

The more tenured of the Delegates make the decisions and direct the Overseers to instruct their minions to carry out the Five Year Plan.

The decisions should be made on this model of the Five Year Plan.

Year One - Design the plan
Year Two - Implement the first stage of the plan by having the overseers instruct their minions and insure the minions are following the instruction.
Year Three - Evaluate which aspects of the plan are necessary and which are unnecessary.
Year Four - Rid the plan of the unneeded provisions, change the model and let the overseers will instruct minions on how to implement the change.
Year Five - Decide the entire five year plan is a failure. Place the blame on the most tenured delegates, (most of whom have graduated by now, left the school or have gone on to administration positions). Any delegates remaining must transfer to a different school. The rest of the year will be spent brainstorming the new Five Year Plan.

Another vital criteria for the corporate school model is behavior. There will be acceptable behavior for each of the three classes of students and teachers.

Delegates should only rarely engage in conversation with minions. If they do they must be respectful of the lowest caste, avoid touching them and limit eye contact. Answer their questions, but if any of the minions remarks are controversial let them know you will have to pose that at the next meeting. Email them at a later date thanking them for their thoughtful concern. Ignore their concern.

Overseers must interact with the minions on a daily basis, so engaging them is imminent. Be friendly, but not close. Be certain to imply your camaraderie with other Overseers is more important than your relationship to your minions. Answer the minions questions by making them feel unworthy of your vast wealth of knowledge. If your vast wealth of knowledge is unable to answer a question, never...I repeat never use the phrase, "I don't know." Ignore your minion by telling them, "I'll get back with you on that. I can't be interrupted now. I have an important meeting to go to." After obtaining the answer from another Overseer, email your minion and thank them for their concern. Do not belittle a minion.

Minions are the task-doers and order-takers. They should continually be made aware of this fact. These are the ones who actually implement the schools five year plan, but will be seated in the last row at graduation. To prepare them for life in the post graduate world be certain they should be aware of their lowly place in the schools eschelon.

In the United States we vote to elect leaders. But as the U.S is a republic, the top leaders are not elected by popular vote. The President is elected by an electoral college, while other leaders are appointed. The corporate world appoints their leaders. If there is a vote it is done by proxy, which is a bother and ignored by most shareholders. Therefore the corporate school model should appoint its leaders.

The election for class president has become passe. The most popular kid usually won it anyway. The outgoing Delegates should be those who decide on their replacement to mirror the model of the corporate world.

Administration of the corporate school model should serve as Guardians. Their responsibility should lie in financial matters, fund raising and keeping the process running smoothly. They should only interact with the Delegates, although it is recommended the Guardians occasionally make their presence known by walking amongst the school population, acknowledging Overseers and minions with eye contact and a nod of the head.

By adopting this policy the rate of those dropping out of school early, serving detention for insubordinate behavior or announcing the family's dog ate their homework will surely decrease.

I know because it is my Five Year Plan.

Auld Lang Syne

2010-12-31T12:36:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, my parents always let me stay up to celebrate the New Year. We would eat snacks and watch TV and at the stroke of midnight we would go out on the front porch and bang on Mom's pans with a spoon, blow on noise makers and make a general ruckus to wish the World a Happy New Year.

Afterward we all returned inside and inevitably hear strains of Guy Lombardo and His Royal Canadians, the band with the really annoying saxaphone section, playing Auld Lang Syne.

I did not have a clue as to what an Auld Lang Syne was or what it meant. In fact I envisioned auld lang syne as the old sign hanging over Lang’s Pet Store in downtown Cincinnati.

At the time I really did not care. But as you get older you get curious about these sort of things. Of course this may have been something I should have learned in school had I had been paying attention.

So I have learned several things about this auld Scottish song, like the word auld is auld Scottish for old.

In fact some folks sing, “Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?”

I always thought it was written by Robert Burns, the famous Scottish poet. Although he had something to do with it, he was not the author.

Burns had collected old folk tales and poems. He states he got this song from an old (or auld) man. He wrote it down and sent it to the Scots Musical Museum. The tune became very popular and a tradition was started that it be sung to mark the end of the new year.

The phrase auld lang syne, translates to old long since or old times past.

Essentially it asks, should those we have known be forgotten and never thought of again? We will remember them, drink a toast to them for sake of old times past.

While the first verse is for those we remember, the seldom sung second verse is for those who are in our life right now.

"And there's a hand my trusty friend and give a hand of thine, we'll take a right goodwill draught for auld lang syne."

Christmas Cheer, Obnoxious Sweaters and Candy Cane Shivs

2010-12-23T00:43:00.000-08:00

At Battlefield High School in Haymarket Virginia a group of boys with a sense of humor decided to call themselves the Christmas Sweater Club. They collected the most obnoxious Christmas sweaters they could find to wear to school. They also sang Christmas songs. Ten of these boys are now in big trouble.

They are charged by school officials with maliciously attempt to main students with intent to injure. These boys say they were just tossing small two-inch candy canes to fellow students as they entered school. The ones in plastic wrap that are so small they often break apart.

Administrators stated, "The candy canes are weapons because you can sharpen them with your mouth and stab people with them."

The boys were all being punished with detention and at least two hours of cleaning. Their disciplinary notices say nothing about malicious wounding but about littering and creating a disturbance.

One of the perps stated the candy cane tossing occurred at 7 in the morning, before school even starts and he didn't know what we were disrupting. The boys admitted to littering since some of the students may have dropped their candy canes or wrappers on the floor.

The parents of the boys believe the school has gone too far and believe this may have something to do with spreading Christmas cheer, which might have gone over if it was Holiday cheer instead. The school administration, E. Scrooge, commented that suicide rates are up at Christmas. Not everyone wants Christmas cheer and they should keep it to themselves. Bah Humbug!

Staples Office Supplies - I Will Not Shop There Again

2010-12-16T09:34:00.001-08:00

My wife wanted a new computer printer for Christmas. We purchased it on December 1st or 2nd at the Staples store were we usually do business. She insisted on using it early since she wanted to print out some things she was making for Christmas presents.

It sat in its box until I hooked it up this Saturday, December 11th. The set up was eventless, until I fed paper in it and pressed the print test function. Nothing happened. On the second attempt an error message came up on the computer.

The direction booklet was not very informative. The only help instructions were to unplug the printer and restart it, check the cables and remove the program and re-install the program. I did all of these.

Nothing made it work. The booklet did not have a help desk number. No doubt this was intentional since companies want to solve problems through internet solutions, which cost them much less.

I was able to find the Hewlett Packard help phone number on the internet and called. A phone representative named Hercules answered and spoke with me for almost an hour. Much of the time was spent being placed on hold while Hercules waited for instructions. After returning and waiting, he finally decided the caddy that held the ink cartridges was not working. The solution was for him to send me a new caddy and new ink cartridges.

I received the package on December 15tth; I cleaned all the appropriate contacts and installed the new caddy and ink cartridges. It still did not work. The same error message number was on the printer screen.

I called HP again. The solution was that my wife’s printer was broken. (Heck I knew that all along). They will mail me a new printer and I must return the old one. But I will not get the printer until around December 23rd.

My wife was not at all happy and asked why we cannot just return the printer to Staples. I said, “Well let’s get in the car and go asked them.” So off to Staples we went.

We asked to speak with the manager. She had just gotten off the phone and stated that her ear was still ringing from the tongue lashing and screaming from her caller. I can relate, so I resolved to remain level-headed and reasonable. My wife and I explained the situation to her. Now this is where things went downhill.

We were asked if we purchased a $30 warranty. We did not. We are trusting Staples to sell quality merchandise which is in good working order. The manager looked exasperated and wiped her hand down her face.

She then explained that Staples only rents space to dealers like HP, Lexmark, Dell and other manufacturers. They are paid around $50 a month in rental fees. When Staples sells a product, it is acting as an intermediary for the company, so the product is under the manufacturers warranty only.

Of course that would change should we buy a Staples warranty.

She went on to explain that Staples only receives a small portion on each sale. “Maybe, say $50 on a $150 purchase. Once you purchase a product and it is defective, we need to return it within 14 days. If it is over 14 days, Staples will not be responsible."

I explained it may be over 14 days and explained what HP was going to do, but that we had some information that needed to be printed as soon as possible. What could Staples do for us?

The manager again wiped her face and gave us that look and said, “Well, if you bring it in tomorrow, I guess I could replace it with a machine of equal or lesser value, but you would have to purchase a warranty on the new product. However Staples would take a 65% loss."

I had already looked at the printers. There was a similar machine, but it was not the same model. I asked about that and she stated it would be a business day if it had to be special ordered.

She then ignored us and went about her business of closing out her cash register without saying, “I’m sorry for your problem or Thank you for choosing Staples.”

After speaking with the manager I had some thoughts.

First of all, as someone who worked for years in retail, I am aware that many companies have to pay for shelf space for their products in major retailers. So Staples is getting extra cash.

If Staples is making $50 on a $150 sale, that is 33% profit. That ain’t bad at all.

If I return my broken product, they will lose 65%. Well they wouldn’t if they did not sell defective merchandise. That is not my problem. Don’t tell me how this affects you. Tell me what you can do to help me.

We intended to buy some ink for our old printer. But my wife and I were just glad to get out of that store. We have bought several printers, countless ink cartridges, printer paper, clear page holders and other supplies from Staples through the years.

Although the manager clenched her teeth and offered to help, she acted like she was doing us a big favor. She also emphasized her store would face punitive loss of 65% off the stores profit margin if I brought the printer back. And if I returned the defective printer, I would be forced to purchase a $30 Staples warranty for the replacement printer.(Doesn't the warranty fee sort of offset the loss?)

Staples, you have lost my business. There are too many other retail outlets that sell the same merchandise that will not treat me like I am the problem.

Ten Business Practices

2010-12-13T13:36:00.000-08:00

1.Hold a lot of management meetings and let those on the bottom tier know.

This strategy will keep employees aprehensive and guessing what management is discussing about their careers.
Solution - There is none.

2. Change strategies and goals every 6 months.

This strategy shows the company's five year plan isn't working too well or a new leader has ascended up the ranks and is doing the domimate male/female roar.
Solution - Remember your place as a worker bee.

3. Group Meetings - Divide And Conquer

In the past the entire team, group or department would come to meetings for new information from management. Many companies have now realized that by dividing the group into several smaller groups for meetings is a good way to rattle the cage.
This strategy seems to be a tool for management to get unsolicited feedback from employees, which they can compare between the small groups of associates by determining who whines the most. Much of the information comes from eavesdropping on employee conversations. See Favorites
Solution - Zip it!

4. Why do Women Bosses Usually Attempt to Grow a Pair?

In my 37 years of work, I have encountered only one woman manager that did not try to emulate being a man by over compensating her management style with aggressive behavior. It has been my experience that women bosses are tougher to work for than male bosses.
The feedback most women bosses offer is usually negative. They are quick to judge. Some women bosses are quick tempered, which causes you to walk on tender-hooks.
Conversely most of the men I have worked for have offered positive comments and are usually easy going. Employee reports from male bosses generally offer positive comments, whereas a woman boss seems to be critical of every little thing. Maybe it's because women are not used to those hangie-down things knocking around between their thighs.
Solution #1 - Learn to say "Yes ma'am, whatever you say ma'am."
Solution #2 - Take testosterone injections

5. The importance of Excel and Power Point.

I don't know what we did before Excel. We had to use manually drawn graphs, hand drawn by a secretary with a ruler and some magic markers. (This was before sharpie abr: BS)
I took a couple of Excel courses a few years ago in which I was told that Japanese businessmen just love the Excel charts. It does easily make instant charts just by plugging in some number. If the Japanese love it, I suppose we all gotta' love it.
Power Point has taken over the job of overhead projectors. No longer do you have to use a totally uncool clear cell overlay written in black type (or handwritten with a magic marker). Technology has replaced the antiquated clear overlay with wonderful computer produced color panels that can be projected onto a screen using a really expensive projector. Plus Power Point allows the production to be emailed to employees or to clients. Additionally the Power Point cells can make swell little booklets. The nifty little icons, characters, cartoons and what-not sure beat out the old school stuff.
Solution - Embrace Excel and Power Point

6. Finding Faults

No matter how perfect you are. No matter how many accounts you pull in. No matter if you sales are off the charts, it is your bosses bound duty to find fault with you and put it in your quarterly report. In turn her boss or his boss will find fault with them and their bosses vice president will find fault with them. If you look in their job description it will say in underscored letters "Find Faults"
Solution - Learn to live with it.

7. Favorites

Bosses seem to choose their favorite employee. Most of the people who are favorites where teachers pets in grade school or the nasty girl or guy that tattled on you. They were the back stabbing friend in high school that stole your best guy or best girl. They ratted you out for smoking in the boys room. Their role model is Eddie Haskell. They are buddies with your boss. Remember they are still the nasty girl/guy that tattles on you.
Solution - Zip it good!

8. Youth Reigns Supreme

As someone who is on the fast track to old age, I see it is the young that get the promotions and the perks. It's not that the old grey mare just ain't what she used to be, it is prejudice.
Solution - If you are older than 55 find an attorney

9. Thin is In

God help you if you are overweight. Your peers and management are watching your calorie intake in the cafeteria. If you don't work out or play golf you ain't worth monkey poo.
Solution - Switch to diet cola and go cold turkey on the potato chips.

10. Statistics Trump Service

There is a lot of bravado and braggadocio regarding excellent customer service, however the bottom line is statistics. What have you brought to the business this month? Are you in the million dollar club? You need to shorten you customer phone calls to 400 seconds. You are providing too much information. You are not providing enough information. How much did you sell?
This has nothing to do with the customer walking away saying, "I didn't know that. Why thank you so much. You have really helped me."
These days businesses provide a four or five question telephone survey.

"If the representative was pleasant press #1 for yes, #2 for no."
"If the representative answered your question adequately and made your dreams come true press #1 for yes, #2 for no."
"If the representative sounded hot, press #1 for yes, #2 for no."
"If the interaction was not only satisfying, but mild and left your hands feeling softer and smoother and your nasal congestion is now gone, please press #1 for yes and #2 for no."

Solution - concentrate on statistics

Christmas Shopping At Wal-Marts

2010-12-05T15:06:00.000-08:00

This could only be seen at Wally-World.

Happy Shoppers that display their joy

This not only looks fun, but cleans the floor too.

Walmarts never discriminates, though I wish they would.

Walmart buyers purchase on the very finest merchandise

Walmarts has a great selection of ladies pants.

This model shows off the latest in womens wear and butt floss.

He IS still around folks.

This must be the Walmarts on Park Avenue in NYC.

My local Walmarts does not offer this service.

Happy Hanukah!

2010-12-04T08:09:00.000-08:00

I wonder if they also sell Chanukah shrimp cocktail?

The Mothership

2010-12-03T09:22:00.001-08:00

The following photographs are from electrician Sean Heavey. They are of a weather phenomenon known as a supercell. This occurred in Glasgow Montana, where Mr. Heavey was working.

Heavey was able to piece together three photos to create the panoramic image that he witnessed from the violent scene. (See first photo)

The supercell caused minor damage and lasted several hours. This sort of weather system centers on mesocyclones, which are rotating upward drafts of air that deliver torrential rain and high wind. A mesocyclone, known as the mother of tornados, can be up to six miles wide and produce as many as 60 tornadoes.

Sean Heavey has been taking photographs of storms for the past seven years. His masterpiece, called “The Mothership” has put him up for an award from the National Geographic Society.

Taking photographs of storms for the past seven years, this year Sean and his masterpiece are up for a prestigious award from National Geographic.

'The 'Mother ship' picture is a super-cell storm that was around five to ten miles in diameter with hurling winds of around 85 miles per hour.

Sean Heavey

THE MASK STRIKES AGAIN

2010-12-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

A white man who pleaded guilty to six robberies in Ohio used a black mask so lifelike that police initially arrested a black man for one of the crimes.

Conrad Zdzierak, 30, pleaded guilty Monday in Hamilton County Ohio to one count of aggravated robbery and five counts of robbery in a plea deal with prosecutors.

The mother of the wrongly accused man even thought a photo of the robbery suspect she saw on television was a photo of her son. An unnamed black man's mother saw a surveillance video picture like this one on television and believed the robber was her son.

Actual Bank Securiy photo

Zdzierak, who should have bought a VOWEL with his ill-gotten-gain, robbed four banks, a credit union and a drug store within a 3 hour period.

He faces up to 35 years in prison at his January 7 sentencing. In exchange for the guilty plea, prosecutors dropped 12 other charges. In all probability he had robbed other institutions.

Zdzierak's mask

An unidentified black man was wrongly arrested and incarcerated for the crime.

Zdzierak was arrested at a hotel after his girlfriend called police after seeing reports of the seeing 2 masks in the hotel bathroom and money,that was stained by the dye packs, being washed in the bathroom sink.

The masks were purchased from SPFX Masks, which is a company based in Van Nuys, California.

This is the second time in a matter of two weeks these masks have made the news.

Picture of the mask from SPFX

I certainly hope the TSA will be attentive to this story.

That Whacky Sovereign Republic of California

2010-11-17T04:04:00.000-08:00

Cody Alicea is a 13-year-old boy that lives in Stanislaus county California. He was told by Denair Middle School officials that he could not ride to school with a U.S. flag on his bike. The school's representatives determined the American Flag could be considered offensive to some students, teachers, staff and visitors. The story was picked up by many major news outlets and gained national attention.

When I was a kid it was a great honor to be chosen to hoist the flag up the pole in the morning and take it down after school. We would say the Pledge of Allegiance each morning in our classroom. We would fasten U.S. flags on our bicycles, because we thought they looked cool flapping in the wind.

Due to the overwhelming outcry, (thanks to the lady that attached the schools phone numbers, including their fax) the school changed its mind, and Cody can now fly the flag on the back of his bicycle.

When he rode from his home to school on Monday, he was followed by a parade of people on motorcycles. A military jet flyover was also expected.

"I'd just like to say thanks for the support," Alicea said before his ride.

Officials at the school told Alicea not to display the flag, citing safety concerns. Some students had complained about the display.

Denair Unified School District Superintendent Edward Parraz said the campus recently experienced some racial tension. He said some students got out of hand on Cinco de Mayo. He said some students displayed the Mexican flag, while others displayed American flags.

Parraz said he got calls from halfway around the world about the flag controversy. Some soldiers in Afghanistan called to complain.

John Tyner was hoping to spend a few pleasant days in South Dakota hunting pheasant with his father-in-law. He went to the San Diego airport to start his trip. In order to board the plane, in this modern age, he had to be inspected by Transportation Safety Administration screeners.
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says in a USA Today opinion piece that body scanners used at many airports are safe and the images viewed in private. Yeah right. Check out Google and you can find all sorts of airport scanner images.

Mr. Tyner objected to being subjected to radiation and was told he had to face the alternative; a full body physical pat-down. Tyner objected to this procedure but submitted until the TSA attendant announced he was going to do a groin check. At which point Tyner yelled, "You touch my junk and I'm going to have you arrested." All of this was captured on Tyner's phones recorder.

A supervisor arrived on the scene and explained why they had to do groin check process to Tyner and added "If you're not comfortable with that, we can escort you back out and you don't have to fly today."

Tyner responded that he did not understand how a sexual assault can be made a condition of my flying.The supervisor said it was not sexual assault.

I beg to differ. Years ago a friend of mine was shopping at a supermarket when a guy came up behind her and grabbed her crotch. He was arrested and found guilty of battery and sexual assault. I'm not understanding the difference.

I understand the reasons behind the new regulations. However they have gotten way out of hand. Does anyone think our government officials and VIP airline customers are going to have to face this humiliation?

Will Janet Napolitano be subjected to the offense of having a male TSA attendant to grabbing her butt and who-who?

Tyner was told by Federal Aviation authorities that he could be fined $10,000 and subjected to a civil suit.

He was given the option of submitting to the search or not flying. He chose the latter. He was then whisked away by airport police to the American Airlines ticket counter and his money was refunded from his non-refundable ticket.

Two hours after this he had posted the audio of the encounter on YouTube and on his blog. By the next morning the blog had over 70,000 hits and 488 comments.

Today's news headline are even worse! TSA is announcing screener will be putting their hands inside your pants or dress. Oooooooooooo! That is totally gross.

TSA head, Mike Aguilar states the fine now is up to $11,000 plus civil penalties. I wonder if they have to pat you down and put you through a nekkid scanner at Greyhound or Amtrak?

In San Diego a high school principal is being criticized for refusing to allow an ambulance to drive onto a football field to help and injured player. 14 year old Keanu Gallardo suffered a severe concussion during a football game on October 29th.

Apparently the field is brand new and principal Liz Seabury was ordered to keep motorized vehicles off the grass. The principal took her orders to heart and blocked an ambulance from going on the field to assess the boy's condition and escort him to the hospital.

The rescuers had to haul a gurney 75 yards down field and 75 feet back to the vehicle; on grass.

The school board is blaming the principal for misunderstanding their order was only meant for private or school vehicles. The board stated the first responders should have overridden the principals order. The principal is placing blame on the board for not clarifying their statement.

An emergency room nurse stated that it probably did not affect the outcome of the students health, but added you never know in head trauma. It could have been bad.

Mrs. Gallardo is demanding an apology. The situation is being investigated to determine if there is any fault for the principals actions.

The infuriated community cannot understand why Seabury chose protecting property over a child's health. I have to side with that community.

But understand we are talking California.