THE LITTLE WHITE WINGED GOSPEL CHURCH

Whoop-whoop! Hallelujah Flock, Can I get a big Amen?

AAAAAMEEENNNN!!!!!!











Now I wancha’ all turnin’ with me in The Book to First Balonians Chapter 12, verse 1 and read along.



And it came to pass that there was this here school bus driver that had passed on and was entering into life eternal. At the Pearly Gates he was greeted by Saint Peter himself and the great Saint presented him with lovely gifts. The kind of gifts that could not be had on the Home Shopping Network or QVC. The School Bus Driver was given a set of molting angel wings and a bent-up halo and an out-of-tune harp that was a Pacific-Rim knock-off of a brand name harp.





Well the School Bus Driver was disappointed with the gifts bestowed upon him, but was glad that he made it to his Reward Eternal. He spent his days walking up and down the streets of gold, flappin’ his wings and pluckin’ his out of tune harp.





Then one day he spotted someone familiar lookin’. Yessir, the fellow he saw was wearin’ a brand new set of the finest wings you ever saw. He had on a solid gold Stetson halo and had a 12 string harp with a maple neck and a sunburst body specially made by the custom shop of Fender guitars of Corona California. And he recognized this fellow to be the nastiest, meanest, worst school bus driver. I mean he was not just a bad man, but a bad driver as well.

So our School Bus Driver went directly to those Pearly Gates and demanded to see Saint Peter.

“Saint Peter,” said the School Bus Driver, “All my life I obeyed the traffic laws. I was cautious in driving the little children hither and yon. And I was the epitome of courtesy to all. And what do I get? I get a lousy set of molting wings, a bent up halo and a harp made in Indonesia that won’t even stay in tune. And that Bad School bus driver over there was mean to everyone and drove his bus like a mad man. Yet he gets a brand new solid gold Stetson halo, a brand new set of wings and a custom made Fender 12 string harp. It ain’t fair I tell you!”




“My son, my son,” says Saint Peter in a thick Italian accent.

“Yes you were courteous and a wonderful driver and you were welcomed into Life Eternal.

But this man, the nasty School Bus Driver, I tell you because of the way he scared all of the little children by his terrible driving and bad attitude, because of this, everyday they all turned to God and prayed Oh Lord protect me and deliver me to Your Kingdom. Therefore this man turned more souls to God than you ever did and he has been justly rewarded.”


Thus ends today’s readin’ Flock. I wancha’ now all standin’ and turnin’ in your hymnals to page 125 as we sing...

STEALTH

In this day and age we have overcome many obstacles of the past and are able to be virtually undected. Witness the Stealth fighter plane and the Stealth bomber. Both can fly over an enemy country unnoticed by radar or the naked eye and hit their target and escape without being seen.




Or military has trained snipers to dress in camoflage suits, strike their target and slip off as if they were invisible.












We can see more day to day methods of the American public displaying stealth. May I present these examples.



This man standing inocently in front of his trailer is busy fileting his catch of fish on a bright sunny day.

Only the trained scientific eye can tell he is drinking beer. Until now this has never been revealed, but a simple brown paper bag has secret properties that make beer virtually invisible to the police and wives. I'll bet you never knew that.




Of course this young lady's crib notes make it virtually impossible for the proctor to determine that she is cheating based on the fact that he is busy leering at her tasty morsels.








The car on the far right is virtually undetectable as it runs through a red light. This is due to the stealth attachments the owner has purchased from the back pages of an automotive magazine.








Not even my own trained eye can detect that this fellow doesn't have a hair on his head. Yep, he's got a rug on his noggin! That is true stealth.








And here's another fellow displaying more of the stealth that has made mankind great.
I cannot tell he is balding. Can you?






And let's not leave out the ladies. The first thing you notice about this beautiful young lady is her incredibly big brown eyes. That is because her eye's are distracting you from what is not covered. Uh' you are looking at her eyes, aren't you?




And of course here is a couple of photos that prove that the fair sex has stealth down to an art.



This famous Country music star has transformed herself from this...


...to this.


That is stealth at it's best!

Big Tom Rivers

In last weeks local news I read that my favorite radio entertainer, Gary Burbank, was retiring at the end of the year.

Gary is now 66 and has been in radio most of his life. I don't get to listen to him as much as I used to. I'll sure miss him and his unique sense of humor and look at the world.

The next day the newspaper ran an article asking readers to pick someone that they would like to take Gary's place. I don't think this can be accomplished, but it did get me to think back to one of my favorite personalities that made a brief mark on radio in my fair city.

Big Tom Rivers landed a morning drive time job on one of the FM stations. It was a pleasure to listen to him for a few hours every morning. He was hilarious. Tom would announce the call letters by saying, "This is Big Tom Rivers your morning man on WGGR FM. I'm playin' the hits while you're sprayin' your pits."

One of Rivers' bits was The Shaving Cream Weather Report. He would ask his listeners to spray shaving cream on their bathroom mirror and follow along with him. He would have a squirting noise and another squeaking sound like he was drawing the weather map with his finger on a lathered up glass mirror.


One morning he announced that he was going to read a story called The Princess and The Pee. He rambled on about this young lady that was sure she was a princess so she traveled to the nearest castle to prove her royalty to everyone. The wizard told her the only way to do this was to spend the night on a mattress that was piled up on 10 other mattresses. She needed to take a pee on the very bottom mattress. If she woke up the next morning and could feel the pee, that was proof that she was a princess. He must have gone on for 10 minutes about the princess sleeping on the matteress that she took a pee on. Rivers was not on the air the next morning.

In searching for him I learned that he had passed away a few years ago. Big Tom was a funny man.

EUPHEMISMS FOR THE MODERN AGE

In my tireless quest to stay abreast of constantly changing, evolving colloquial buzzwords, I offer this. Hopefully through their use, you too, can stay on the "cutting edge" of what is hip!



1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.




2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.




4.SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.


5.CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.



6.PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.


7.MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.


8.SITCOM's: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.


9.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.


10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.


11.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.




12. IRRITAINMENT: find yourself unable to stop watching *whatever*


13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.



14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.




15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.


16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.


17.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).


18.WOOF's: Well-Off Older Folks.


19.CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

~and last but not least~


20. MAWG: Middle age white guy *tryin' to play the blues*

Puzzling Web Addresses

These all left me shaking my head.

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite >>enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!


1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com



2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net




4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com











6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com










8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com