This past Saturday my family and I went to Newport-on-the-Levee to the world's only annual festival dedicated to Goetta. It was unbelievable to see such gastronomical travesties performed on a breakfast meat. It was even more incredible to see so many people stuffing their pie-hole with substances best left to the Waste Management Corporation.
For anyone who happen upon this blog and has no clue what Goetta is, I will explain.
In the post colonial days shortly after the name Fort Washington was voted down by City Council, Cincinnati was conquered and ruled by the Germans that had immigtrated to Southern Ohio.
In fact it was the German inhabitants that drove the Scots and Irish southward across the Ohio River where they went on to form Celtic dancing teams and invent Bluegrass music and Southern dialects.
The Euro-Slavic inhabitants were then routed northward to Dayton where they found jobs at the GM plant, formed unions, learned to go on strike and make pollution.
This left only the Germans in Zinzinnati to practice the skills they learned in the old Country, which was making beer and sausages.
Back in those days pretty much all that was available to eat was beer and a weinerwurst. Germans called their sausages Wurst and some of them were.
I always thought it odd that Germans referred to their country as Der Deutschland instead of Germany until I discovered the word German actually means "one who enjoys suspicious looking sausages".
Every culture brings something to this melting pot of civilization we call the United States and those Germans brought us sausages. Oh yeah. They brought the beer. In fact you bet your sweet lieder hosen they brought all manner of sausages to this area. Those rascals would stuff just about anything in a pig's bowel. cook it and serve it up with saurkraut, beer and a smile along with accordian music, slap dancing and much yodelling.
By now you may have guessed that Goetta is a type of German sausage. However it is not stuffed in a pig's bowel. Goetta is made from oatmeal, onion, seasoning, water and animal parts that you really don't want to know about. It is mixed up in a tub, formed, cooked slightly and packaged.
The oatmeal used in the Goetta making process is special type called pin-oats or as some say pin-head oats. Goetta is generally fried until brown on both sides and served with eggs, hashbrowns and coffee. The thing you need to know about pin head oats is that when frying them, they act much like popcorn kernals. They explode. So be careful.
Goetta is actually very tasty as long as you try not to think about what you are digesting. Goetta comes in the original piggy variety, hot Goetta, light Goetta and Beef Goetta. At present there is no Kosher Goetta.
The Goetta fest was the brain child of Gliers Meats, the #1 producer of Goetta in the Cincinnati area. Dan Glier is the owner of the company and head Goetta cheerleader. He has preached Goetta both near and far, even recently providing some for the White House. The Goetta Fest is sponsored by Glier's Meats to promote their oaty-porky product. And this bring me to some of the recipes I saw at the festival that left me somewhat queasy.
There were goetta burritos piled high with onions, red peppers and cheese, goetta corndogs, goetta burgers, goetta hotdogs, goetta-spagetta, goetta nachos with canned cheese-substance and sour cream, goetta chili, goetta omlets, goetta jambalaya, blackened goetta, chow mein goetta and people ate this stuff.
The festival featured not just Goetta as a food, but also Goetta the Game. There was a Goetta race on an incline track. You placed bets on which roll of Goetta would roll to the bottom of the incline the fastest. Ok, there were some Irish folks there that probably thought this game up. Guess what you won? Goetta! There was Goetta Ring Toss. Toss the Ring onto a 1 pound roll of Goetta and it was yours to have and to hold. If you had not won any Goetta and had the inclination to purchase your very own festival Goetta there was a Goetta vending machine. I have my doubts that Coke and Pepsi's vending division are going to lose much of a market share.
It was held on a very hot August day, but a good time was had by all. Being a curmudgeon, all I had was a lemonade.
"During his NAACP speech earlier this month, Sen. Obama repeated the term at least four times. "I've been working my entire adult life to help build an America where economic justice is being served," he told the group during their 99th annual convention in Cincinnati."
Once upon a time there was a little boy. He was a very good little boy and he always helped his Mother tidy up the house before Dad came home from working at the grist mill.
"They're always piling up more gristle for the mill. It never stops" the little boy's Dad complained. "But I keep that ol' millstone a'turnin', that's all I ever do. I guess it's a job."
"There, there dear," the Mom would say. "Come in and have a nice supper. I've made homemade stoneground bread."
For the family ate a lot of stoneground bread since the man got a company discount.
As the family ate dinner the little boy said that he saw a man on the television that spoke to lots of people about somthing called economic justice.
He said, "Daddy, what is economic justice?"
The Dad put down his third helping of stoneground bread and said, "Well son, what do I know? I work at a grist mill. Ask your Mom."
Well sir, the little boy's Mother was a very wise woman and a pretty decent baker. She said, "Darling son, I can tell you all about economic justice." "It's like this. Everyday you help me tidy the house and you clean your room so we can make our home a nice place to live."
"Yes Mommy" said the young tyke.
"And every Saturday Mommy gives you five dollars and takes you to the store so you can buy candy or a toy. That is your reward for being a good and helpful little boy."
"Yes Mommy. It makes me happy" the little guy replied.
"Well, economics is when you earn something for doing a good job, then you take your earnings and buy the things that you want to buy. Then the man at the toy store and the lady at the candy store get paid and they buy things that their families want. This is economics." Answered the Mother.
The little boy thought a minute and said, "If that is Economics, then what is Economic Justice that the man on TV was talking about?"
"Well son" said the wise Mother, "You may not know this, but there are children that do not want help their Mommy or Daddy. And they do not get any reward. These children have no money to buy the things that they want because they are lazy or they are used to screaming and crying until their Mom or Dad gives them money for nothing."
"Is that Economic Justice?" questioned the lad.
"Not quite." explained Mom. "Let's say you did your chores and cleaned your room and were a real good boy. I gave you five dollars on Saturday and we went to the candy store so you could buy a treat. Now imagine there at the candy store were ten children that didn't help their parents and they don't have money to buy candy. According to Economic Justice, you must give each of those kids some of your money. You must give each one of those children 40 cents and you can keep what's left."
"But Mom, those kid's didn't help me clean my room. Why should I have to give them my money that I worked hard to get? I get five dollars and if I have to give my money away, I only make one dollar for my reward" whimpered the disappointed young scamp, who didn't even have to use his fingers to do the math.
"That is how Economic Justice works young man" chimed in the Father. "Economic Justice says that everyone should be entitled to an equal amount of money, whether they work for it or not. Everyone should be equal."
"But Daddy, why should I have to work hard and give away my money. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit" the boy said in an upset tone of voice. "Those kid's should have to earn their own money and buy their own candy. Economic Justice is not fair at all!"
The Dad smiled at his son and he said, "Son you are wise like your mother. I'm very proud of you."
The family finished their stoneground bread and went off to the living room and watched and episode of CSI.
After that the little boy went to bed and had Kafka dreams.
But they lived happily ever after.
4. Two editions of a newspaper per day.
7. Old ladies thadressed in print dresses, wore white gloves and funny hats with netting and orthopedic high heeled shoes.
10. Saddle shoes
14. Cars with rear mounted engines.
24. Locally produced television shows that invited you to be part of the audience
30. The dreadful paddle in the principal's office.
34. PF Flyers
49. Dad's that smoked pipes
Anyway, if there is a Caucasian Community and I assume there is, why am I never invited to the community get-togethers? Where do you meet and at what time? You could come over to my house. I'll make sandwiches, if you will bring the drinks.
