Your Collar is Backwards

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.  The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." 

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." 

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many .

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said . "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

Pictures From The Edge II

Songs of My Youth

As I approach my 61st birthday, I remember the music and rhymes of my childhood. Not the music we learned in school of the nice rhymes and songs our parents taught us, but  the songs we sang on the street with our friends.

Your team had a steamboat,
the steamboat had a bell.
My team had a submarine
and blew it up to..

Hell-o operator,
give me number nine
and if you cannot reach them
I'll kick your fat...

Behind the refrigerator 
there is a piece of glass
and if you go and slip on it,
you'll fall and cut your..

Ass-k me no more questions
tell me no more lies
The boys are in the girls' room,
zipping up their..
 flies are in the meadow,
the bees are in the park.
Miss Susie and her boyfriend are kissing
in the D-A-R-K,
D-A-R-K
D-A-R-K
Dark, dark dark!

I wonder if they still write music like that?  How about one of my favorites;

Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat,
little dirty birdies feet.
Great green gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts.
That's what we had for lunch.

Whenever we played a team sport or decided who went first, it was imperative to recite this rhyme.  Keep in mind I was born in 1952 and we grew up with racism.

Eenie, meanie, minie mo,
Catch a N (n-word) by the toe.
If he hollers let him go.
Eenie, meanie, minie mo.

My mother told me to pick the very best one
and Y-O-U is you.

Popeye was all the rage on children's TV.  

I'm Popeye the sailor man,
I live in a garbage can.
I eat all the worms 
and spit out the germs
I'm Popeye the sailor man.

Children didn't live on fast food back then, therefore obesity was probably genetic. We cruel little bastards could not resist a rhyme to make fun of the fatties.

Fatty, fatty two by four
Can't get through the bathroom door.
So he did it on the floor.
Wiped it up and did some more.

Boys were supposed to be friends with boys and girls be friends with girls. God help you if your best friend was someone of the opposite sex.

John and Mary sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes love
then comes marriage,
then comes Mary with a baby carriage.

School was a target of youthful songs.

My eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school
We have tortured all the teachers, we have broken all the rules.
Now we're off to the office, to hang the principal.
Our school is burning down.

Glory, glory hallelujah,
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
So I bopped her on the beanie
with a rotten tangerinie.
Our school is burning down.

Some of the songs were actually recordings of the day, such as this one.

On top of spaghetti,
all covered with cheese.
I lost my poor meatball,
when somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table
and onto the floor
and then my poor meatball
rolled out the door.

It rolled in the garden
and under a bush.
And then my poor meatball
was nothing but mush.

The mush was a tasty,
as tasty could be.
And then the next summer,
It grew into a tree.

The tree was all covered
all covered with moss, 
and on it grew meatballs
in spaghetti sauce.

So if you eat spaghetti,
all covered with cheese.
Hold on to your meatball,
whenever you sneeze.

A milk additive called Bosco was being advertised on TV. So we had to plagiarize the  commercials tune with this delightful version.

I hate Bosco, it is bad for me.
Mommy puts it in my milk to try to poison me.

I fooled Mommy, I put it in her tea.
Now I have no Mommy who tries to poison me.

I went to summer camp and learned this ditty.

Willy went down in a bucket.
The bucket went down in a well.
His wife cut the rope to the bucket
and Willy went straight down to..

Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Tra-la-la-la.
Sweet are the voices that sing from afar.

Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Tra-la-la-la.

He played on his Spanish guitar.

We had class trips and a bus was rented to drive us to our destination. Our poor teachers and a few brave parent volunteers were always serenaded by this tune.

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall.

Ninety-nine bottles of beer.

You take one down and pass it around,

there's ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.

Here is one that my Mom taught me. I think it comes from the song, "It Ain't Gonna' Rain No More."

I woke up this morning and gazed upon the wall,
The bedbugs and the skeeters were havin' a game of ball.
The score was one to nothing the skeeters were ahead.
The bedbugs hit a homerun and knocked me out of bed.

Perhaps you may have heard different lyrics to all of the tunes. But the above is the versions that I recall.

I have to wonder if the children of today are growing up with their own treasury of rhymes or do they just know the background music to their computer games.

BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU SHINE THE LIGHT

Arkansas Delivery

In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Proud to be a Democrat

A Billion

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases:

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government
is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans.
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) was asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS

To rebuild New Orleans .

 Interesting number...What does it mean?

A. Well .. If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans 
(every man, woman and child) You each get $516,528.

B. Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or... If you are a family of four...
Your family gets $2,066,012.

Hey Washington , D.C..... HELLO!   Are all your calculators broken??

We pay the following taxes

Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax 
State Income Tax 
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax 
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes!

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt. We had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened?

Can you spell 'Politicians'!

The Dead C Scrolls

My wife and I are planning to go to the Cincinnati Natural History Museum for their Dead Sea Scroll Exhibit. This exhibit brought to mind a story that I recently heard.

Back in the late 1700’s, there was a Bavarian violin maker named Hans Gittlesburger.  Gittlesburger’s violins never brought him much fame. But what did were the magnificent violin necks that he carved.

For the unfamiliar, the top portion of the neck is called the scroll and his carving on the scroll was a thing of beauty. 

Folks came from all over the European continent to have Gittlesburger replace the neck on their violin with one of the necks that he carved with the finely carved scroll.

It was unfortunate, but Gittlesburger’s popularity and fortune only lasted a few years due to the fact that virtually no one could play the C note on their violins with the Gittlesburger neck. Most player replaced the neck with the original. 

This is why the Gittlesburger necks came to be known as the…Dead C Scrolls.

More Pictures From The Edge

Jesus Knows You Are Here

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus