No Drooping Pants Zone
No Loud Vehicle Music Zone
No Racoon Eyes Zone
Clueless People Zone
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
I Read The News Today Oh Boy
The following stories came from a variety of news sources including the AP and FOX exclusively for your amusement. Real Life is more bizzare than any situation comedy.
A computer game retailer revealed that it legally owns the souls of thousands of online shoppers, thanks to a clause in the terms and conditions agreed to by online shoppers.
The retailer, British firm GameStation, added the "immortal soul clause" to the contract signed before making any online purchases earlier this month. It states that customers grant the company the right to claim their soul.
"By placing an order via this Web site;
On the first day of the fourth month of the year 2010 Anno Domini, you agree to grant us a non transferable option to claim, for now and for ever more, your immortal soul. Should We wish to exercise this option, you agree to surrender your immortal soul, and any claim you may have on it, within 5 (five) working days of receiving written notification from gamesation.co.uk or one of its duly authorized minions."
GameStation's form also points out that "we reserve the right to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire, however we can accept no liability for any loss or damage caused by such an act. If you a) do not believe you have an immortal soul, b) have already given it to another party, or c) do not wish to grant Us such a license, please click the link below to nullify this sub-clause and proceed with your transaction."
The terms of service were updated on April fool’s Day as a gag, but the retailer did so to make a very real point: No one reads the online terms and conditions of shopping, and companies are free to insert whatever language they want into the documents.
While all shoppers during the test were given a simple tick box option to opt out, very few did this, which would have also rewarded them with a £5 voucher, according to news:lite. Due to the number of people who ticked the box, GameStation claims believes as many as 88 percent of people do not read the terms and conditions of a Web site before they make a purchase.
The company noted that it would not be enforcing the ownership rights, and planned to e-mail Customers nullifying any claim on their soul
MADISON, Wis. (AP) — A federal judge in Wisconsin ruled the National Day of Prayer unconstitutional Thursday, saying the day amounts to a call for religious action.
U.S. District Judge Barbara Crabb wrote that the government can no more enact laws supporting a day of prayer than it can encourage citizens to fast during Ramadan, attend a synagogue or practice magic.
"In fact, it is because the nature of prayer is so personal and can have such a powerful effect on a community that the government may not use its authority to try to influence an individual's decision whether and when to pray," Crabb wrote.
Congress established the day in 1952 and in 1988 set the first Thursday in May as the day for presidents to issue proclamations asking Americans to pray. The Freedom From Religion Foundation, a Madison-based group of atheists and agnostics, filed a lawsuit against the federal government in 2008 arguing the day violated the separation of church and state.
President Barack Obama's administration has countered that the statute simply acknowledges the role of religion in the United States. Obama issued a proclamation last year but did not hold public events with religious leaders as former President George W. Bush had done.
Crabb wrote that her ruling shouldn't be considered a bar to any prayer days until all appeals are exhausted. U.S. Justice Department Attorneys who represented the federal government in the case were reviewing the ruling Thursday afternoon, agency spokesman Charles Miller said. He declined further comment.
Obama spokesman Matt Lehrich said in an e-mail to The Associated Press the president still plans to issue a proclamation for the next prayer day.
"As he did last year, President Obama intends to recognize a National Day of Prayer," Lehrich said.
The American Center for Law and Justice, which represented 31 members of Congress who joined the federal government as defendants, called Crabb's ruling flawed and promised to appeal.
"It is unfortunate that this court failed to understand that a day set aside for prayer for the country represents a time-honored tradition that embraces the First Amendment, not violates it," ACLJ Chief Counsel Jay Sekulow said in a statement.
The Alliance Defense Fund, an Arizona-based group of Christian lawyers, issued a statement saying Crabb's ruling undermines American tradition dating back to the nation's birth.
Freedom from Religion Foundation attorney Richard Bolton didn't immediately return a message seeking comment.
Crabb wrote that her ruling was not a judgment on the value of prayer. She noted government involvement in prayer may be constitutional if the conduct serves a "significant secular purpose" and doesn't amount to a call for religious action. But the National Day of Prayer crosses that line, she wrote.
"It goes beyond mere 'acknowledgment' of religion because its sole purpose is to encourage all citizens to engage in prayer, an inherently religious exercise that serves no secular function in this context," she wrote. "In this instance, the government has taken sides on a matter that must be left to individual conscience."
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — A federal appeals court in San Francisco upheld the use of the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance and "In God We Trust" on U.S. currency, rejecting arguments on Thursday that the phrases violate the principle of separation of church and state.
The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals panel rejected two legal challenges by Sacramento atheist Michael Newdow, who claimed the references to God disrespect his religious beliefs.
His reason: The Greatest Generation didn't pledge 'under God'
"The Pledge is constitutional," Judge Carlos Bea wrote for the majority in the 2-1 ruling. "The Pledge of Allegiance serves to unite our vast nation through the proud recitation of some of the ideals upon which our Republic was founded."
The same court ruled in Newdow's favor in 2002 after he sued his daughter's school district for forcing students to recite the pledge.
That lawsuit reached the U.S. Supreme Court in 2004, but the high court ruled that Newdow lacked the legal standing to file the suit because he didn't have custody of his daughter, on whose behalf he brought the case.
So Newdow, who is an atheist doctor and an atheist lawyer, filed the challenge on behalf of other parents who objected to their children being required to recite the pledge. In 2005, a federal judge in Sacramento decided in Newdow's favor, ruling that the pledge was unconstitutional.
"I want to be treated equally," Newdow said when he argued the case before the 9th Circuit in December 2007. He added that supporters of the phrase "want to have their religious views espoused by the government."
In a separate 3-0 ruling Thursday, the appeals court upheld the inscription of the national motto "In God We Trust" on coins and currency.
A computer game retailer revealed that it legally owns the souls of thousands of online shoppers, thanks to a clause in the terms and conditions agreed to by online shoppers.
"By placing an order via this Web site;
GameStation's form also points out that "we reserve the right to serve such notice in 6 (six) foot high letters of fire, however we can accept no liability for any loss or damage caused by such an act. If you a) do not believe you have an immortal soul, b) have already given it to another party, or c) do not wish to grant Us such a license, please click the link below to nullify this sub-clause and proceed with your transaction."
The terms of service were updated on April fool’s Day as a gag, but the retailer did so to make a very real point: No one reads the online terms and conditions of shopping, and companies are free to insert whatever language they want into the documents.
While all shoppers during the test were given a simple tick box option to opt out, very few did this, which would have also rewarded them with a £5 voucher, according to news:lite. Due to the number of people who ticked the box, GameStation claims believes as many as 88 percent of people do not read the terms and conditions of a Web site before they make a purchase.
The company noted that it would not be enforcing the ownership rights, and planned to e-mail Customers nullifying any claim on their soul
"In fact, it is because the nature of prayer is so personal and can have such a powerful effect on a community that the government may not use its authority to try to influence an individual's decision whether and when to pray," Crabb wrote.
Congress established the day in 1952 and in 1988 set the first Thursday in May as the day for presidents to issue proclamations asking Americans to pray. The Freedom From Religion Foundation, a Madison-based group of atheists and agnostics, filed a lawsuit against the federal government in 2008 arguing the day violated the separation of church and state.
President Barack Obama's administration has countered that the statute simply acknowledges the role of religion in the United States. Obama issued a proclamation last year but did not hold public events with religious leaders as former President George W. Bush had done.
Crabb wrote that her ruling shouldn't be considered a bar to any prayer days until all appeals are exhausted. U.S. Justice Department Attorneys who represented the federal government in the case were reviewing the ruling Thursday afternoon, agency spokesman Charles Miller said. He declined further comment.
Obama spokesman Matt Lehrich said in an e-mail to The Associated Press the president still plans to issue a proclamation for the next prayer day.
"As he did last year, President Obama intends to recognize a National Day of Prayer," Lehrich said.
The American Center for Law and Justice, which represented 31 members of Congress who joined the federal government as defendants, called Crabb's ruling flawed and promised to appeal.
"It is unfortunate that this court failed to understand that a day set aside for prayer for the country represents a time-honored tradition that embraces the First Amendment, not violates it," ACLJ Chief Counsel Jay Sekulow said in a statement.
The Alliance Defense Fund, an Arizona-based group of Christian lawyers, issued a statement saying Crabb's ruling undermines American tradition dating back to the nation's birth.
Freedom from Religion Foundation attorney Richard Bolton didn't immediately return a message seeking comment.
Crabb wrote that her ruling was not a judgment on the value of prayer. She noted government involvement in prayer may be constitutional if the conduct serves a "significant secular purpose" and doesn't amount to a call for religious action. But the National Day of Prayer crosses that line, she wrote.
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — A federal appeals court in San Francisco upheld the use of the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance and "In God We Trust" on U.S. currency, rejecting arguments on Thursday that the phrases violate the principle of separation of church and state.
The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals panel rejected two legal challenges by Sacramento atheist Michael Newdow, who claimed the references to God disrespect his religious beliefs.
His reason: The Greatest Generation didn't pledge 'under God'
"The Pledge is constitutional," Judge Carlos Bea wrote for the majority in the 2-1 ruling. "The Pledge of Allegiance serves to unite our vast nation through the proud recitation of some of the ideals upon which our Republic was founded."
The same court ruled in Newdow's favor in 2002 after he sued his daughter's school district for forcing students to recite the pledge.
That lawsuit reached the U.S. Supreme Court in 2004, but the high court ruled that Newdow lacked the legal standing to file the suit because he didn't have custody of his daughter, on whose behalf he brought the case.So Newdow, who is an atheist doctor and an atheist lawyer, filed the challenge on behalf of other parents who objected to their children being required to recite the pledge. In 2005, a federal judge in Sacramento decided in Newdow's favor, ruling that the pledge was unconstitutional.
"I want to be treated equally," Newdow said when he argued the case before the 9th Circuit in December 2007. He added that supporters of the phrase "want to have their religious views espoused by the government."
In a separate 3-0 ruling Thursday, the appeals court upheld the inscription of the national motto "In God We Trust" on coins and currency.
Starting Them Young On The Cube Farm
For only $2500 you can get your young'un their very own Tiny Tykes office cube with a built in computer. They can learn send updates and office memos to the other junior office "worker bees" at the daycare.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Last Supper Paintings Point to Ungodly Portions
Paintings Reveal That Plate, Portion Sizes Gradually Grew in the Past Millennium
By Bill Hendrick from WebMD Medical News Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD
March 24, 2010 -- Paintings of the Last Supper over the past millennium show that plate and food serving sizes have gotten larger throughout history, possibly foretelling today’s supersized portions, according to a new study.
The findings suggest that the phenomenon of serving bigger portions on bigger plates, which pushes people to overeat, has occurred gradually over the past 1,000 years, says co-author Brian Wansink, PhD, a marketing and economics professor at Cornell University and an expert on eating habits.
“We took the 52 most famous paintings of the Last Supper and analyzed the size of the entrees, bread, and plates, relative to the average size of the average head in the painting,” he says in a news release.
Wansink and his brother and co-author, Craig Wansink, professor of religious studies at Virginia Wesleyan College, used computer-aided design technology that allowed items in 52 paintings to be scanned, rotated, and calculated, regardless of the orientation of the objects in the artwork. “To account for the varying dimensions of the paintings, the average sizes of these items were indexed based on the average size of the heads depicted in the paintings,” the authors write.
The main discernable dishes depicted in the paintings included fish or eel (18%), lamb (14%), and pork (7%), and 46% of the paintings had no discernable main dish.
Last Supper' Portions Growing
The study, published in the April 2010 issue of the International Journal of Obesity, finds that the size of the entrees in Last Supper paintings has progressively increased 66%, plate size 66%, and bread size 23% in the past 1,000 years.
“The last thousand years have witnessed dramatic increases in the production, availability, safety, abundance, and affordability of food,” says Brian Wansink, author of Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think.
“We think that as art imitates life, these changes have been reflected in paintings of history’s most famous dinner,” he says.
The researchers used 52 paintings depicting the Last Supper that were featured in the 2000 book Last Supper by Phaidon Press.
Craig Wansink tells WebMD in an email that “the use of the head in measuring the size of the bread was simply to focus on proportionality between the paintings.”
In short, the scholars say the trend of larger plates and portion sizes detected in recent years and linked to obesity is a phenomenon that started hundreds or even more than 1,000 years ago.
They examined 10 paintings of the Last Supper completed between 1000-1300, five done between 1300 and 1400, 15 between 1400 and 1500, 13 between 1500 ad 1600, and nine between 1600 and the year 2000.
“Perhaps the increasing portion sizes and food availability we have recently noticed is rooted in a general trend that has been artistically depicted for more than a millennium,” the authors write.
By Bill Hendrick from WebMD Medical News Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD
March 24, 2010 -- Paintings of the Last Supper over the past millennium show that plate and food serving sizes have gotten larger throughout history, possibly foretelling today’s supersized portions, according to a new study.
The findings suggest that the phenomenon of serving bigger portions on bigger plates, which pushes people to overeat, has occurred gradually over the past 1,000 years, says co-author Brian Wansink, PhD, a marketing and economics professor at Cornell University and an expert on eating habits.
“We took the 52 most famous paintings of the Last Supper and analyzed the size of the entrees, bread, and plates, relative to the average size of the average head in the painting,” he says in a news release.
The main discernable dishes depicted in the paintings included fish or eel (18%), lamb (14%), and pork (7%), and 46% of the paintings had no discernable main dish.
Last Supper' Portions Growing
The study, published in the April 2010 issue of the International Journal of Obesity, finds that the size of the entrees in Last Supper paintings has progressively increased 66%, plate size 66%, and bread size 23% in the past 1,000 years.
“The last thousand years have witnessed dramatic increases in the production, availability, safety, abundance, and affordability of food,” says Brian Wansink, author of Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think.
“We think that as art imitates life, these changes have been reflected in paintings of history’s most famous dinner,” he says.
The researchers used 52 paintings depicting the Last Supper that were featured in the 2000 book Last Supper by Phaidon Press.
Craig Wansink tells WebMD in an email that “the use of the head in measuring the size of the bread was simply to focus on proportionality between the paintings.”
In short, the scholars say the trend of larger plates and portion sizes detected in recent years and linked to obesity is a phenomenon that started hundreds or even more than 1,000 years ago.
They examined 10 paintings of the Last Supper completed between 1000-1300, five done between 1300 and 1400, 15 between 1400 and 1500, 13 between 1500 ad 1600, and nine between 1600 and the year 2000.
“Perhaps the increasing portion sizes and food availability we have recently noticed is rooted in a general trend that has been artistically depicted for more than a millennium,” the authors write.
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Venezuelan Space Craft
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin visited Venezuela on Friday to discuss oil, defense and nuclear energy cooperation with Latin America's main leftist foe of the United States, President Hugo Chavez.
The talks involved a deal to launch a $20 billion venture between Russian firms and Venezuelan state company PDVSA to pump 450,000 barrels a day -- almost a fifth of the OPEC member's current output -- from the vast Orinoco heavy oil belt.
In return Chavez wants nuclear energy, space technology and beefing up defenses with Russian arms.
I can’t help wondering what a Venezuelan space ship would look like.
The talks involved a deal to launch a $20 billion venture between Russian firms and Venezuelan state company PDVSA to pump 450,000 barrels a day -- almost a fifth of the OPEC member's current output -- from the vast Orinoco heavy oil belt.
In return Chavez wants nuclear energy, space technology and beefing up defenses with Russian arms.
I can’t help wondering what a Venezuelan space ship would look like.
Blonde
This blonde girl set out to prove to her husband that she was not a dumb blonde. So she waited for him to leave for work. And then she set about painting the living room.
When her husband came home he was amazed at the new wall color, but baffled when he saw his disheveled wife laying on the couch. She was perspiring profusely since she was wearing a winter jacket and a parka.
He went over to her and asked, "Why are you wearing a jacket and a parka?"
She replied, "Well the instructions on the can said, 'For best results put on two coats'."
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
More of the Day's News
This just in from Punxsatawny:
A drunken may was charge with public drunkenness after witnesses saw him along a highway giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a dead opossum.
Pennsylvania state police arrested 55 year-old Donald Wolfe for drunkenness and stupidity. State trooper Jamie Levier was called to the scene when witnesses reported Wolfe near the animal along Route 36 this Thursday. Wolfe was not only performing CPR on the animal, but appeared to be conducting a seance to contact the wee beasties spirit.
Levier reported that Wolfe, "did have his mouth in the animal's mouth area." Donald Wolfe was taken to the Oliver County jail and given Listerine to get rid of the Possum breath.
This just in:
Obama appointee Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood announced “the end of favoring motorized transportation at the expense of non motorized.”
The Secretary has announced a “major policy revision” that aims to give bicycling and walking the same policy and economic consideration as driving.
"We will no longer favor motorized transportation at the expense of non-motorized transportation" , LaHood wrote on his blog.
This policy was introduced within days after LaHood gave a well paid speech at the Nation Bike Summit to a large crowd of rail-thin men all wearing spandex shorts and helmets.
LaHood says this reflects the Transportaion Department's support for the developement of fully integrated transportation networks, although he failed to explain what that really meant.
The department is calling on state and local governments to provide safe amenities for those walking and riding bicycles.
Transportation agencies are urged to take action on a number of fronts, including the creation of pathways for bike riders and pedestrians on bridges, and providing children with safe biking and walking routes to schools. Hopefully the muggers, panhandlers, thieves, drug dealers and pedophiles will avoid these areas.
Obama appointee LaHood also indicated the department is discouraging “transportation investments that negatively affect cyclists and pedestrians” and added, "Our President would like us all to have size 10 carbon footprints."
“Treating bicycles and other non motorized transportation as equal to motorized transportation would cause an economic catastrophe,” warned Carter Wood, a senior adviser at the Negative Nancy Collaberative “If put it into effect, the policy would more than undermine any effort the Obama Administration has made toward jobs," adding, "Secretary LaHood is a big doody-head and a creep."
House appropriations committee hearing last week brought up the issue when Congressman Steven LaTourette ask for clarification of the new policy asking a Transportation Department official to clarify what LaHood was stating. LaTourette added, "What the hell is wrong with this LaHood dude? Is he crazy or what?"
“My interpretation of that would be equal in the eyes of policymakers as what is the expenditure you make, what is the benefit you get and the love you make is equal to the love you take” responded Roy Kienitz, D.O.T.’s under secretary for policy, dressed in spandex bicycle shorts, a rugby shirt and helmet. “And if the freight project offers the best bang, great, but if the bike project offers a good bang, great for them. Bang,bang. All major express ways need bicycle lanes."
“I don’t even understand how you get a bang for the buck out of a bicycle project,” Mr. LaTourette subsequently commented. “I mean, what job is going to be created by having a bike lane you sick little monkey. And what the hell is all this bang, bang stuff you're talking about?"
It happened in Chattanoga:
A pit bull mix in Tennessee has been sentenced to obedience training after his dogged attack on a local police car.
A judge declared Winston to be incarcerated for 3 days at the ASPCA and scolded him by saying, "You are a bad dog. Bad!" He was sentenced to obedience and canine good citizen classes, and he'll have to wear a tag that says he is "potentially dangerous."
Winston's only comment was, "Arf, arf" as he emphatically pooed on the courtroom floor while being lead away.
A drunken may was charge with public drunkenness after witnesses saw him along a highway giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a dead opossum. Pennsylvania state police arrested 55 year-old Donald Wolfe for drunkenness and stupidity. State trooper Jamie Levier was called to the scene when witnesses reported Wolfe near the animal along Route 36 this Thursday. Wolfe was not only performing CPR on the animal, but appeared to be conducting a seance to contact the wee beasties spirit.
Levier reported that Wolfe, "did have his mouth in the animal's mouth area." Donald Wolfe was taken to the Oliver County jail and given Listerine to get rid of the Possum breath.
This just in:
The Secretary has announced a “major policy revision” that aims to give bicycling and walking the same policy and economic consideration as driving.
"We will no longer favor motorized transportation at the expense of non-motorized transportation" , LaHood wrote on his blog.
This policy was introduced within days after LaHood gave a well paid speech at the Nation Bike Summit to a large crowd of rail-thin men all wearing spandex shorts and helmets.
The department is calling on state and local governments to provide safe amenities for those walking and riding bicycles.
Transportation agencies are urged to take action on a number of fronts, including the creation of pathways for bike riders and pedestrians on bridges, and providing children with safe biking and walking routes to schools. Hopefully the muggers, panhandlers, thieves, drug dealers and pedophiles will avoid these areas.
“Treating bicycles and other non motorized transportation as equal to motorized transportation would cause an economic catastrophe,” warned Carter Wood, a senior adviser at the Negative Nancy Collaberative “If put it into effect, the policy would more than undermine any effort the Obama Administration has made toward jobs," adding, "Secretary LaHood is a big doody-head and a creep."
“My interpretation of that would be equal in the eyes of policymakers as what is the expenditure you make, what is the benefit you get and the love you make is equal to the love you take” responded Roy Kienitz, D.O.T.’s under secretary for policy, dressed in spandex bicycle shorts, a rugby shirt and helmet. “And if the freight project offers the best bang, great, but if the bike project offers a good bang, great for them. Bang,bang. All major express ways need bicycle lanes."
“I don’t even understand how you get a bang for the buck out of a bicycle project,” Mr. LaTourette subsequently commented. “I mean, what job is going to be created by having a bike lane you sick little monkey. And what the hell is all this bang, bang stuff you're talking about?"
It happened in Chattanoga:
A pit bull mix in Tennessee has been sentenced to obedience training after his dogged attack on a local police car.
Winston, the
lovable pooch didn't bite anybody, but he mauled the front bumper of
a Chattanooga police cruiser. The playful mutt managed to
tear off a section of the front bumper and damage the tires.
A judge declared Winston to be incarcerated for 3 days at the ASPCA and scolded him by saying, "You are a bad dog. Bad!" He was sentenced to obedience and canine good citizen classes, and he'll have to wear a tag that says he is "potentially dangerous."
Winston's only comment was, "Arf, arf" as he emphatically pooed on the courtroom floor while being lead away.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I Read the News Today Oh Boy
From today's news;
Chili Bombs
The Indian military has a new weapon against the world's hottest chili grenades. You heard right, chili grenades.
The Indian military as conducted testing and this product is ready for implementation. The grenade contains bhut jolokia also known as ghost chili. In 2007 the Guinness World Record book recognized this as the World’s hottest chili.
The heat factor of chili peppers is measure in Scoville units, named after Henry Iron Stomach Scoville, the man who would eat anything, who was responsible for the phrase, “If it hurts going in, it sure as heck gonna’ hurt coming out.”
Tabasco sauce measures from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units. Jalapenos measure 2,500 to 8,000. But the Bhut jolokia chili is 1,000,000 Scoville units. It hurts thinking about it. Indian people eat these to cure stomach problems and fight the extreme heat of summer. (Yeah that makes sense!!?)
The purpose of the grenade is to fend off mobs, rioters and folks laughing their ass off. There are also plans to create a Mace-like aerosol using bhut jolokia which can also be used as a cooking additive.
Inspector Clouseau meets his rival.
Breaking In is Hard to Do.
Sylvester Jiles was released from jail last August and placed on probation after he struck a plea deal in a manslaughter case. Three days later, he came back to the jail by climbing over the razor wire fence that surrounded the facility.
When the injured Jiles was discovered, cut and bleeding, he begged deputies to let him back.
He was informed of his victim's families plans to kill him. Paybacks are hell, ain't they!
Greenpeace fights the evil Kit Kat Candy Bar.
The supplier operates in regions where rainforests and peatlands are being replaced by palm tree plantations that eliminate natural habitat and reduce carbon dioxide sinks that help keep the atmosphere clean and fight global warming.
Greenpeace spokesperson Stephanie Sunshine Goodwin said the environmental group does not oppose the use of palm oil or vegetable oil in chocolate bars, but is urging the industry to develop higher standards to ensure production is sustainable. Adding her personal sentiments, "Like wow man, this is really a bummer" and reassuring that Greenpeace will pressure Nestle in changing the recipe for Kit Kat to include Tofu, Soy and Granola.Something to be proud of.
The survey conducted by independent researchers, but funded by your tithes and offerings rely on data supplied by dioceses. Only 398 victims with credible allegations of clergy sexual abuse came forward in 2009 as opposed to 889 victims in 2004. The 2009 survey named 286 priests and deacons. 45% of these fellows had not been
Lets give it up for the church with a polite round of applause.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A Study of Jazz Musicians from jazz pianist Bill Anschell
I've pulled this from a post I ran in August of 2006. I thought some of my Facebook musician friends might enjoy reading Bill Anschell's study of Jazz musicians. Anschell is a jazz pianist.
The Musicians
While a jazz artist may claim to have a "unique voice" on his instrument, sociological analysis tells us otherwise. In reality, jazz players are simply the embodiment of instrumental archetypes. Jam sessions, then, are the playing-out of archetypal conflicts. Jazz "standards" performed at the sessions make up the script. Over time, an epic play is realized. Here are the characters:
Piano: Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college . Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don’t. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.
Bass: Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he’s listening.
Drums: Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren’t really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, be careful not to sneak up on him.
Saxophone: Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don’t stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.
Trumpet: Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they’re black or white.
Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. Caution: It is loud and high. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.
Guitar: Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they’re old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist’s universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he’ll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.
Vocals: Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians’ capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surrepticiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of session terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe (see "The Vocalist" below). I.H.: The vocalist will try to seduce you - and the rest of the audience - by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."
Trombone: The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won’t anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn’t want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don’t eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he’ll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.
The Musicians
While a jazz artist may claim to have a "unique voice" on his instrument, sociological analysis tells us otherwise. In reality, jazz players are simply the embodiment of instrumental archetypes. Jam sessions, then, are the playing-out of archetypal conflicts. Jazz "standards" performed at the sessions make up the script. Over time, an epic play is realized. Here are the characters:
Bass: Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he’s listening.
Drums: Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren’t really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, be careful not to sneak up on him.
Saxophone: Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don’t stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.
Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. Caution: It is loud and high. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.
Guitar: Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they’re old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist’s universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he’ll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.
Vocals: Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians’ capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surrepticiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of session terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe (see "The Vocalist" below). I.H.: The vocalist will try to seduce you - and the rest of the audience - by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."
Friday, March 05, 2010
Monday, March 01, 2010
President Obama - Take Note
Let me point out that I am a fiscal Conservative. I do not think the Democratic Party’s effort to spend money for new projects is prudent. I believe there is a better way to cope with our Country's debt. However I recognize there are boneheads on both sides of the isle in Federal and State government.
For instance St. Charles County Republican Rep. Mark Parkinson is the genius behind the bill (H.B. 2131), which he believes will save the economic debt of the state of Missouri by passing this law which would take one dollar each week from the Missouri Governor Jay Nixon's salary and purchase a Powerball lottery ticket on behalf of the citizens of the state.
Any winnings must be deposited into the state’s general revenue fund until it exceeds $300 million, thus eliminating the budget shortfall.
Believe it or not some Republican lawmakers think this is an excellent idea.
By the way, the Columbia Missourian quotes the Missouri Lottery Fact Book, which puts odds of winning at 195,249,054 to one.
The current jackpot is estimated at $76 million.
Any winnings must be deposited into the state’s general revenue fund until it exceeds $300 million, thus eliminating the budget shortfall.
Believe it or not some Republican lawmakers think this is an excellent idea.
By the way, the Columbia Missourian quotes the Missouri Lottery Fact Book, which puts odds of winning at 195,249,054 to one.
The current jackpot is estimated at $76 million.
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