Sunday, December 29, 2013

The Hamster Christmas Story



One snowy Christmas Eve long, long ago when the O’Hara’s lived in Middletown Ohio we purchased a hamster for one of my daughters. To go along with the hamster we purchased one of those balls that you put the hamster in and watch him roll around on the floor.

The floor was covered in toys and wrapping paper and we were enjoying the hamster’s antics. So were the dogs. They were eying the hamster as he was looking mighty tasty.  

After a couple hours the kids were worn out and I was too. Linny was off work that night. She was a nurse at Children’s Hospital in Dayton and somehow she got to spend this night at home. The kids and I hustled upstairs to bed and Linny stayed up for some quiet time to herself.

The hamster was still rolling about, so Linny tried to reach in the ball and grab him to go into his cage. However the hamster wanted his freedom and jumped out of her hand. She cornered him under the couch and made a move to grab him. Instead, he grabbed her by digging his sharp front teeth right into her finger and not letting go.

Linny couldn’t get the wee beastie to let go and it hurt, so she did the first thing she could think of and that was to open the front door and fling the little critter off of her finger out onto the snow covered front porch.

She then closed the door, washed her finger and bandaged it. Feeling a little guilty she opened to front door to see if the hamster was still there, but guess what she saw?  There in the snow were tiny little hamster foot prints on the front walk that abruptly stopped and turned into tiny little kitty footprints.

She saw the cat turn and look at her as if to say, "Thank you lady. Christmas dinner was delicious."

One hamsters taste of freedom turned into one kitty’s taste of hamster.

Friday, November 22, 2013


What a sad day. John F. Kennedy was assassinated this day in 1963. It makes you pause to think what the actions of one man made the entire nation cry and morn.

It was especially a bad year for my family. My uncle Clyde passed away in the spring. In early fall my Uncle George died. One of my Dad's friends passed away. In December cancer claimed the life of my Grandmother (Dandy) Elizabeth Lacock.

I was seated in my elementary schools library when Principal Sam King placed the radio next to the intercoms microphone just in time to hear "The President has been shot."

Soon after word came over the radio, President Kennedy has died from gunshot wounds.

I was only 11 years old, but recall thinking this cannot be right. Here it is 1963. We are civilized and these thing don't happen anymore. Maybe back in 1865, but not now.

We were told to return to our classroom. Miss Bohn, my favorite teacher, was sobbing. About ten minutes later we were told to go home.

My family stayed glued to the TV. We saw Jack Ruby gun down Oswald as it happened.

What a terrible, terrible time.

I pray it never happens again.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

For the Ladies - A Trip to the GYN



I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.


I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.


I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Child's View of Grandparents.

An elementary school teacher was teaching writing to her class and came across this priceless gem. Thankfully she shared it with others. As a grandparent, I am sharing this with you exactly how it was written.




We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very Well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Arrest at Airport - Alleged Member of Al-Gebra

Breaking News: Teacher Arrested at Airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.


At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.






'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 
'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off at tangents in search of absolute values‘They use secret code names like "X" and ”Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more  intelligent or profound statement by the President.

It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Obamacare - The Data Hub


The Affordable Healthcare Act is full of surprises. One of these is The Data Hub. This is a comprehensive database of personal information established by the Department of Health and Human Services, which has been charged with the task of implementing ‘Obamacare.’ In a Government Accountability report, the Data Hub is to provide “real-time access to federal data and third party access to sources needing to verify consumer eligibility.

Based on the current news of abuses of information by federal organizations, The IRS, The NSA and other agencies this is bound to make a reasonable thinking man/woman nervous.

This Data Hub would include our personal information such as income, financial data, family members, immigration status, incarceration status, our social security numbers and all of our private health information. These facts will be stored in dossiers. Sources of this data are coming from the IRS, the Department of Homeland Security, the Department of Defense, the Social Security Administration, Medicare and Medicaid and the Peace Corp. Any eavesdropper or fraudster with hacking capability could access the confidential personal records of the entire United States of America.

The Department of Health and Human Services guarantees this data will be safe and secure. Yeah right!

The Data Hub will be used daily by ‘Navigators’, which according to the GAO are community and consumer nonprofit groups. The Navigators will let the citizens know which health exchanges award grants and provide impartial information to the lot of us. They will direct us to the appropriate agency for further assistance.

What does this mean? Thousands of Navigators will have unfettered access to the Data Hub, however there are currently no guidelines on what qualifications the should have, how they will be hired, trained and monitored. This is frightening and appears to be a violation of our personal privacy and civil rights.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Reaction to the George Zimmerman - Trayvon Martin Verdict


I am amazed at the reaction to the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial. Good friends of mine are tearing their clothing and gnashing their teeth. Had George Zimmerman been of the same race as Martin, this would have been just another blip on the nightly news.

The fact is a jury is instructed to consider just the facts presented by the prosecution and the defense in making a decision and in a capital case find that Zimmerman’s claims were true by 100% beyond a reasonable doubt. In fact most of the public is not privy to all the facts that came out during the trial. Obviously the jury concluded there was not enough preponderance of the evidence to find in favor of the prosecutions argument.

From all accounts, under the state law of Florida, this should never have gone to trial. No one should be charged with a crime unless prosecutors themselves really believe that the person committed a crime.

The case was so weak that the local Sanford District Attorney refused to bring charges against Zimmerman. On orders of the governor, an outside District Attorney, Angela Corey, had to be brought in to handle the prosecution. In fact Sanford Florida Police Chief Bill Lee was fired because he refused to charge Zimmerman with a crime. However show trial moved forward to satisfy “the will of the people.”

The prosecution and their experts’ language consistently showed a lack of certainty. Prosecutors are not supposed to bring cases where the best they can say is that something might “possibly” have happened or that there was a “chance” that it did. In this case the prosecution’s own witnesses could not get definitive statements from their own witnesses.

The lead detective on the case stated that he believed Zimmerman’s version of the events, going as far as to say the voice crying for help on the 911 call was Zimmerman and that Martin’s father lied about the voice on that call.

Comments by Al Sharpton and President Obama have stirred up adverse race relations and demanded vengence.

The national media bears culpability for sensationalizing this trial and fixating on the race. NBC and The Today Show went so far as to doctor the recordings of the 911 tape.

Pictures were shown on TV and in news stories of a 12 year old Trayvon Martin, when in fact Martin was a well built six foot tall former high school football player. The media even went as far as describing Zimmerman as a “White Hispanic.” You can draw your own conclusions about that racial remark.

The defense was prohibited from any mention of Martin’s prior arrests or the fact he was smoking marijuana when the altercation took place.

The facts brought out in the case, even from an eye witness proved that Martin was on top of Zimmerman, holding him down, beating him and attempting to grab his gun when he was fatally wounded.

I concur that Zimmerman should not have followed Martin, especially not while in possession of a fire arm. Zimmerman had a right to report suspicious activity in his neighborhood, but should have left well enough alone after contacting the police. Bringing the gun was a bad idea.

However the situation escalated to the point that there was no option for retreat.

Now the national media and the Federal government, including our President, want to bring civil rights violations against Zimmerman, based on the fact that things did not go as they planned. In my humble opinion this is a politically based ploy to satisfy the desires of the masses. Perhaps this is a just a bone to throw by the government to keep the more raucous and vocal dissenters from rioting and damaging property.


This is my opinion of the matter and I most assuredly respect your opinion.

Friday, July 05, 2013

Dream number 12098


The first thing I notice is that I am inside a medium size room. The walls are covered with 1960’s style faux wood paneling and the floor is green indoor/outdoor carpeting. I pay no attention to the ceiling, but it is probably a tiled dropped ceiling, judging from the light.

Father Jon is anxious. He tells me that Father Chris has left and he is now in charge of the Church. We’ve moved the Church to this building. Father Jon is very concerned about the situation and the fact that he has inherited the head position.

I tell him not to worry, that God will take care of all things. I say just trust God, listen and obey and all will be well as I walk out the door. The building looks like a small white frame cottage that is surrounded by asphalt.

Suddenly everything changes and I find myself in bed. Only the bed is one of many beds in a row. Am I in a hospital? I don’t know. A lady in a gray dress with a white apron comes over and tells me it is time to get up and go shopping. I agree and I am whisked into a supermarket.

I look up and down the isles and find what I am looking for. I pick up a box that holds 24 cans of evaporated milk. I was told by the lady in gray to bring this back so we could use it to make ice cream. I head to the checkout. The store is strange. It is one that I do not recall being in before.

The cashier scans my purchase. I do not recall paying, because I am whisked back to the bed room. Perhaps it is a hospital ward or an infirmary. I don’t know.

Upon presenting my evaporated milk to the lady, she scolds me. “This is made with water! It clearly states this on the cans. We need the kind made from milk. Go back!”

I feel foolish. I thought all evaporated milk was made with milk. Silly me.

And then I find myself in a metropolitan city. At first I believe it is New York, but I am not certain.

There are lots of very tall buildings and lights. It is gloaming time and I find myself in a group. But I am talking to a young lady I scarcely knew from my high school day.

She was the younger sister of a friend. Her name was Lynn. She is very shy. She tells me that I promised to take her shopping. Alright! I think I only spoke with her once or twice and that was over forty years ago.

We walk along and I ask her about what she has been doing lately. I am so confused because I am sixty-one and she would be in her mid fifties, but we look young. I no longer have a beard. I am a fresh faced kid with dark combed hair and she is frightfully thin and has short red, wispy, curly hair.

She eventually overcomes her shyness and tells me all about herself, and then suddenly we find ourselves in a car driving down a country road.

I pull over to look at the map. We must be in a Bavarian town because one road that forks to the left states this is Stradivarius Road. The map guide says this is where the famous violins were made. It looks like fun, so we take a drive down the road. I am very disappointed since what left of the town is reminiscent of Covington Kentucky and nearly all the homes and shops are vacant and have foreclosure notices.


I am thinking how sad and wondering where the stain was put on the violins when I am awakened and notice it is 4:50 am. I get to sleep another hour and a half. However I can’t go back to where I had been.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Lions Save Ethopian Girl



From the AP:
ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia  — A 12-year-old girl who was abducted and beaten by men trying to force her into a marriage was found being guarded by three lions who apparently had chased off her captors, a policeman said Tuesday.

The girl, missing for a week, had been taken by seven men who wanted to force her to marry one of them, said Sgt. Wondimu Wedajo, speaking by telephone from the provincial capital of Bita Genet, about 350 miles southwest of Addis Ababa.


She was beaten repeatedly before she was found June 9 by police and relatives on the outskirts of Bita Genet, Wondimu said. She had been guarded by the lions for about half a day, he said. “They stood guard until we found her and then they just left her like a gift and went back into the forest,” Wondimu said.
“If the lions had not come to her rescue, then it could have been much worse. Often these young girls are raped and severely beaten to force them to accept the marriage,” he said.

'Some kind of miracle', Tilahun Kassa, a local government official who corroborated Wondimu’s version of the events, said one of the men had wanted to marry the girl against her wishes.

“Everyone thinks this is some kind of miracle, because normally the lions would attack people,” Wondimu said.

Stuart Williams, a wildlife expert with the rural development ministry, said the girl may have survived because she was crying from the trauma of her attack.

“A young girl whimpering could be mistaken for the mewing sound from a lion cub, which in turn could explain why they didn’t eat her,” Williams said.


Ethiopia’s lions, famous for their large black manes, are the country’s national symbol and adorn statues and the local currency. Despite a recent crackdown, hunters kill the animals for their skins, which can fetch $1,000. Williams estimates that only 1,000 Ethiopian lions remain in the wild.

The girl, the youngest of four siblings, was “shocked and terrified” after her abduction and had to be treated for the cuts from her beatings, Wondimu said. He said police had caught four of the abductors and three were still at large.

Kidnapping young girls has long been part of the marriage custom in Ethiopia. The United Nations estimates that more than 70 percent of marriages in Ethiopia are by abduction, practiced in rural areas where most of the country’s 71 million people live.


Sunday, June 02, 2013

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS!



We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Wisconsin. Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew,katrina,jeanne,charlie,frances; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the gulf or ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the gulf or ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!


Saturday, June 01, 2013

Become an Illegal Alien and Enjoy Great Benefits

Iowa Senator Tom Harkin

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to be an illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted.

If my understanding of this bill is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for only three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2008 and 2009.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me, given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.
Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA ) 

Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA 


Get your Forms (NOW)!! 
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

7 DIFFERENCES POPE FRANCIS HAS MADE IN ONE APPEARANCE.



1. Changed the golden throne by a wooden chair... Something more appropriate for the disciple of a carpenter.

2. Did not want the gold-embroidered red stole, Heir of the Roman Empire, nor the red chasuble..
.
3. Uses same old black shoes, not the classic red.

4. Uses a metal cross, not of rubies and diamonds.

5. His papal ring is silver, not gold.

6. Uses the same black pants under the cassock, to remember that he is a another priest.
Have you discovered the 7th?


7. Removed the red carpet... He is not interested in fame and applause...

Friday, April 26, 2013

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
WITNESS: July 18th. 
ATTORNEY: What year? 
WITNESS: Every year. 
_____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Sunday, April 21, 2013

The Elephant Story




In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

It must not have been the same elephant!

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Friday, April 12, 2013

The Patients Story



A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Shopping with My Wife at Walmart





I thought this was hilarious, I started crying with laughter. Please take a moment to read the whole thing. 

My wife insists that I accompany her on her shopping trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I'll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

Friday, April 05, 2013

Why the English Language is Hard to Learn



 1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
 2. The farm was used to produce produce.
 3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
 4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
 7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Meet Me At Midnight Mary




When I was 13 years old, Mom decided it was time for me to learn how to dance. The lessons were for ballroom dancing. 

As I recall I learned the Foxtrot, the Cha-cha and the Waltz, although I can’t for the life of me remember any of those steps. The guys and girls in this class had to dress up and be polite. At the break the guys got punch and cookies for the last girl with whom we danced.

It seems that I usually wound up with this cute little chubby redhead.  I don’t know if she had a crush on me or I had a crush on her, but as I recall we always paired up with each other to dance.

The instructor played the song Meet Me at Midnight Mary every week and we did a fast Foxtrot to the music. I loved the song, the lyrics and the arrangement. It had everything a 1960’s song should ever have.

Here was a story about a poor boy that secretly married a girl, got a job working on the railroad and later found out her Daddy was his boss.

When I listen to it I think of that chubby little redhead girl and wonder whatever became of her.



The song was written by a fellow named Artie Wayne. He was working as a song writer in New York City. He also was dating some Iranian girls. One of the girls was the daughter of a deposed Iranian General. 

I don’t know how much is remembered about the days when the Shah of Iran was exiled to the United States, so as a quick reminder in the early 1960’s Iran was governed by a king which was called The Shah. There was a theocratic uprising in Iran and the Shah, his family and members of his government sought refuge in the United States. They brought with them a fortune in Iranian assets, thus they were hated by the religious rulers and the people that overtook the government as well as the general population of Iran.

The United States government housed the Shah and his entourage and assigned them a protection detail.

Artie Wayne
All this to say that Artie Wayne was head over heels in love with the daughter of an Iranian general and this was forbidden. Both Artie and the girl were excited about the danger of their secret romance. The only way they could meet was to see each other secretly.

What can a songwriter do, but write a song about this forbidden tryst?

Artie’s friend was a fellow songwriter named Ben Raleigh.  Raleigh had scored a recent hit with the sappy song “Tell Laura I Love Her.”  In true songwriter fashion, Artie Wayne decided to write a better song.  He eventually teamed with Raleigh to write Midnight Mary.

The song was taken to a local studio and the guys were given an advance to produce a demo. They shopped the demo around for a year with no luck until they learned that a new artist named Jerry Cole had signed with Capitol Records and recorded their tune.  Neither Wayne nor Raleigh liked Cole’s version and thought they could do a much better version.

Joey Powers
Artie Wayne had befriended a singer/songwriter named Joey Powers. Powers had been under contract with RCA and had just been released when Wayne asked him to help make a demo that was good enough for air play.

Wayne scraped together $500 for studio time and hired arranger Al Gorgoni and Charlie Macey to play guitars. Drummer Buddy Saltzman played drums and Jeannie Thomas sang all the background parts. Joey Powers sang the vocal.

Once again the song was shopped around. A local song plugger named Jerry Landis (the pseudonym Paul Simon was using) turned the song down but suggested taking the song to Larry Uttal at AMY Records (which is now Arista). Uttal liked the song and agreed to market it and an agreement to refund production costs and give a small percentage to the writers was approved. 

Larry Uttal (seated)
Upon listening to the recording, Uttal asked that the bass be turned up. Wayne let him know they did not have money to hire a bass player for the demo..  Larry Uttal gave Artie Wayne $15 and told him to go hire a bass player. Wayne knew a bass player that owed him a favor and asked Russ Savakis to come to the session and lay down a bass part.

With a few months Artie Wayne was taking publicity pictures for an album when he was handed a gold record by Uttal who told him, this doesn’t mean the song sold a million records.

On November 22, 1963 the Joey Powers album was to be recorded featuring the song Meet Me at Midnight Mary. Artie had met with Joey in Ohio to set up the arrangements.

That night Al Gorgoni was finishing up arrangements. Jeannie Thomas was working on background parts along with a new singer, Lettie Hamblet. The guitarists for the session were Paul Simon and Roger McGuinn, who played 12 string acoustic. The session was to start in 30 minutes.

The only musician who was not there was Joey Powers. His flight was delayed.  Artie picked up Powers from the airport. When they walked into the studio, everyone was crying. President Kennedy had been assassinated.

The album was eventually recorded and went on to be a big hit…in England

The song was covered by over 250 artists. Artie Wayne is semi retired these days. 



Ben Raleigh passed away in 1997 and left a legacy of hit songs behind. Besides “Laura”, he wrote Wonderful Wonderful, She’s a Fool, Love is a Hurtin’ Thing, Laughing on the Outside (Crying on the Inside) and composed the theme music for the cartoon Scooby Doo. 

Joey Powers was born in 1939 and is still alive. According to newpaper reports, he became a Christian and sent his kids to Oral Roberts University

Larry Uttal died at age 71 in New York City. He had worked with many famous artists.

Jeannie Thomas  is actually singer Jean Thomas. She was the lead singer of the Rag Dolls, the Calendar Girls, the Powder Puffs, Angie and the Chicklettes and other girl groups of the '60's and went on to have a very successful career as a background singer and is anonymously heard on many, many recordings.


Funny thing, Meet Me at Midnight Mary inspired two "answer" songs.

One was called Midnight Joey by Lorna Dune.

The other was a number one hit by Johnny Mathis called "What Would My Mary Say?"  Those who are old enough will recall Mathis  had a hit with Wonderful, Wonderful written by Ben Raleigh.















Version One

 

Version Two - Alternate version

   

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Old Couple




A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"