Saturday, June 04, 2016

A Wise Chinese Doctor.

Q: Doctor,  I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don’t waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.  And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 

A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?  

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 

A: Can’t think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain…good! 

Q:  Aren’t fried foods bad for you?  

A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?  

A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?  

A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?  

A:  Hey!  ‘Round’ a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safelyin an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!”

Friday, May 13, 2016

A Primer on the Use of a Restroom That is Appropriate With the Gender That You Identify With. (sorry about the dangling participle)

As you are aware President Obama brilliantly had the United States Justice Department and Attorney General Loretta Lynch.send an order to all federally funded schools, institutions and government buildings yesterday which made it illegal for these institutions  to deny access to the public restroom that any transgender person chooses to use regardless of whether they have a “winky” or a “hoo-hoo”. This order was not just confined to public restrooms, but included public locker rooms, changing rooms and shower facilities.  The order further went on to state violation of this order would result in loss of federal funding that the organization receives.

I am not certain if this order defines how to differentiate transgender individuals from those people who just want to get a peek into the restroom that they are not used to visiting for curiosity sake or those with a prurient interest, but I believe this point is extremely important and would hope the law would define these parameters.

But law is law and we need to live with it, I guess. So as a public service I offer a Primer on the Use of Restrooms for those not in the know and are using one that you usually do not visit..

I consider myself to be an expert on use of the Men’s Room facilities as I have acquired nearly 65 years of experience. So for trans-gendered folks born with female equipment, may I make these suggestions.

1.Do not poop in the urinals. They are called urinals for this reason.

2.When picking out which urinal to use, the piddle to floor ratio is very important. In other words pick the urinal with the least amount of urine on the floor directly below or in front of it. It helps keep your shoes clean. As a word of explanation.

There are two reasons for piddle in front of a urinal.
    Number One. It should be mandatory that urinal have signs reading, "Stand Close. It's shorter than you think."
    Number Two. With the epidemic of obesity, many men have not seen their "manservant" since they were about three years old.
3.Since you are not endowed with the necessary equipment to stand and deliver, I am not certain how you are going to accomplish using the urinal. For now this will present a problem, but I am confident that modern science will come up with a solution. But remember this; do not drop your trousers to the floor to pee. Use the zippers fly and the slot in your under-roos to urinate.

There are two reasons for this method of relieving ones self:
   Number one; it is inappropriate to show your bare ass to those in the restroom.
   Number two; your pants will probably soak up the pee on the floor that was left from the guy    who used the facility before your visit.

4.Please know that the appropriate behavior is not to look to the right or to the left at other participants. Either stare straight forward at the wall or look down to make sure you are piddling into the urinal and not on the floor or on your own shoes..

5.Do not use toilet paper to clean yourself. TP will not flush in the urinal. The appropriate action is to shake off. Remember the old adage, “No matter how much you shake it and dance; a few drops still go down your pants.” 

6.When using the toilet for number two, although this behavior is verboten in the Lady’s room, it is OK to make grunt noises in the Men’s room.

7.It is probably not a good idea to have painted toenails if you are wearing sandals or flip flops while sitting in the stall. This may cause the guy in the stall next to you to wonder if he is in the right restroom.

8.Men do not pass toilet paper to each other. So don’t ask.

The only time I have visited the Lady’s room was a few years back when I had a concussion and was waiting to be seen in the Emergency Room and was a little woozy. I sauntered into the Lady’s room inadvertently and my first thought was “where the hell are all the urinals?”

So for all the transgender folks born with a “winky” I hope this helps.

1.There are no urinals in the "ladies" room. Pee in the toilet located  in one of the stalls.

2.The appropriate style to urinate is to sit down on the toilet. No more standing, as this will upset the user in the next stall.

from Getty Images

3.Learn the following phrase: “Honey, could you please pass some toilet paper under the stall.”

4.No more shaking, only wiping.

5.No grunting noises in the Lady’s room if you are having a difficult bowel movement. This behavior is inappropriate.

I hope this advice is helpful when you are visiting a different restroom than the one you are used to using. Or as I like to put it, “Boldly going where no man has gone before.”

Oh yes, before I forget; Please remember to flush.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Trump and Hilary are in a bar...

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, “The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal.”

Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?”

Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my activities?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies, and taking bribes from foreign countries?

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity deals?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”

Trump: “No the other one:” Hillary: “Turning Libya into chaos?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Turning our backs on Israel?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “The joke Iran Nuke deal? ”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Leaving Iraq in chaos? ”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance executives?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ ?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”

Trump: “No, the other one.” Hillary: “

Threats to all of Bill’s former mistresses to keep them quiet”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and china when Bill left Office?”

Trump: “THAT’S IT!"

Hilary: "I almost forgot about that one”.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Quit trashing Obama's accomplishments.

He has done more than any other President before him. Here is a list of his impressive accomplishments:

1. First President to be photographed smoking a joint.

2. First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.

3. First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.

4. First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.

5. First President to violate the War Powers Act.

6. First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.

7. First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.

8. First President to spend a trillion dollars on "shovel-ready" jobs when there was no such thing as "shovel-ready" jobs.

9. First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.

10. First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.

11. First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.

12. First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.

13. First President to tell a CEO of a major corporation (Chrysler) to resign.

14. First President to terminate America’s ability to put a man in space.

15. First President to cancel the National Day of Prayer and to say that America is no longer a Christian nation.

16. First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.

17. First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.

18. First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke out on the reasons for their rate increases.

19. First President to tell a major manufacturing company in which state it is allowed to locate a factory.

20. First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).

21. First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.

22. First President to actively try to bankrupt an American industry (coal).

23. First President to fire an inspector general of AmeriCorps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.

24. First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.

25. First President to surround himself with radical left wing anarchists.

26. First President to golf more than 150 separate times in his five years in office.

27. First President to hide his birth, medical, educational and travel records.

28. First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.

29. First President to go on multiple "global apology tours" and concurrent "insult our friends" tours.

30. First President to go on over 17 lavish vacations, in addition to date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends paid for by the taxpayers.

31. First President to have personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.

32. First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.

33. First President to fly in a personal trainer from Chicago at least once a week at taxpayer expense.

34. First President to repeat the Quran and tell us the early morning call of the Azan (Islamic call to worship) is the most beautiful sound on earth.

35. First President to side with a foreign nation over one of the American 50 states (Mexico vs Arizona).

36. First President to tell the military men and women that they should pay for their own private insurance because they "volunteered to go to war and knew the consequences."

37. Then he was the First President to tell the members of the military that THEY were    UNPATRIOTIC for balking at the last suggestion.

Now see, you thought he has not accomplished anything during the past eight years.

Friday, January 01, 2016

Mark Twain Quotes

1.“It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.” 

2.“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” 

3.“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.” 

4.“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” 

5.“When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.” 

6.“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” 

7.“If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.” 

8.“All generalizations are false, including this one.” 

9.“Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” 

10.“Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.” 

11.“Never put off ‘till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” 

12.“My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.” 

13.“Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.” 

14.“Ah, well, I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God’s fool, and all His work must be contemplated with respect.” 

15.“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.” 

16.“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.” 

17.“There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he less savage than the other savages.” 

18.“There has been only one Christian. They caught him and crucified him–early.” 

19.“Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.” 

20.“Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.” 

21.”Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”

Musician Jokes