Sunday, March 28, 2010


This picture says it all;

Friday, March 26, 2010

More of the Day's News

This just in from Punxsatawny:

A drunken may was charge with public drunkenness after witnesses saw him along a highway giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a dead opossum. 

Pennsylvania state police arrested 55 year-old Donald Wolfe for drunkenness and stupidity.  State trooper Jamie Levier was called to the scene when witnesses reported Wolfe near the animal along Route 36 this Thursday. Wolfe was not only performing CPR on the animal, but appeared to be conducting a seance to contact the wee beasties spirit. 

Levier reported that Wolfe, "did have his mouth in the animal's mouth area."  Donald Wolfe was taken to the Oliver County jail and given Listerine to get rid of the Possum breath.

This just in:

Obama appointee Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood announced “the end of favoring motorized transportation at the expense of non motorized.”

The Secretary has announced a “major policy revision” that aims to give bicycling and walking the same policy and economic consideration as driving.

"We will no longer favor motorized transportation at the expense of non-motorized transportation" , LaHood wrote on his blog.

This policy was introduced within days after LaHood gave a well paid speech at the Nation Bike Summit to a large crowd of rail-thin men all wearing spandex shorts and helmets.

LaHood says this reflects the Transportaion Department's support for the developement of fully integrated transportation networks, although he failed to explain what that really meant.

The department is calling on state and local governments to provide safe amenities for those walking and riding bicycles. 

Transportation agencies are urged to take action on a number of fronts, including the creation of pathways for bike riders and pedestrians on bridges, and providing children with safe biking and walking routes to schools. Hopefully the muggers, panhandlers, thieves, drug dealers and pedophiles will avoid these areas.

Obama appointee LaHood also indicated the department is discouraging “transportation investments that negatively affect cyclists and pedestrians” and added, "Our President would like us all to have size 10 carbon footprints."

“Treating bicycles and other non motorized transportation as equal to motorized transportation would cause an economic catastrophe,” warned Carter Wood, a senior adviser at the Negative Nancy Collaberative “If put it into effect, the policy would more than undermine any effort the Obama Administration has made toward jobs," adding, "Secretary LaHood is a big doody-head and a creep."

House appropriations committee hearing last week brought up the issue when Congressman Steven LaTourette ask for clarification of the new policy asking a Transportation Department official to clarify what LaHood was stating. LaTourette added, "What the hell is wrong with this LaHood dude? Is he crazy or what?"

“My interpretation of that would be equal in the eyes of policymakers as what is the expenditure you make, what is the benefit you get and the love you make is equal to the love you take” responded Roy Kienitz, D.O.T.’s under secretary for policy, dressed in spandex bicycle shorts, a rugby shirt and helmet.  “And if the freight project offers the best bang, great, but if the bike project offers a good bang, great for them. Bang,bang. All major express ways need bicycle lanes."

“I don’t even understand how you get a bang for the buck out of a bicycle project,” Mr. LaTourette subsequently commented. “I mean, what job is going to be created by having a bike lane you sick little monkey. And what the hell is all this bang, bang stuff you're talking about?"

It happened in Chattanoga:

A pit bull mix in Tennessee has been sentenced to obedience training after his dogged attack on a local police car.

Winston, the lovable pooch didn't bite anybody, but he mauled the front bumper of a Chattanooga police cruiser. The playful mutt managed to tear off a section of the front bumper and damage the tires.

A judge declared Winston to be incarcerated for 3 days at the ASPCA  and scolded him by saying, "You are a bad dog. Bad!"   He was sentenced to obedience and canine good citizen classes, and he'll have to wear a tag that says he is "potentially dangerous."

Winston's only comment was, "Arf, arf" as he emphatically pooed on the courtroom floor while being lead away.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I Read the News Today Oh Boy

From today's news;

Chili Bombs

The Indian military has a new weapon against the world's hottest chili grenades. You heard right, chili grenades.

The Indian military as conducted testing and this product is ready for implementation. The grenade contains bhut jolokia also known as ghost chili. In 2007 the Guinness World Record book recognized this as the World’s hottest chili.

The heat factor of chili peppers is measure in Scoville units, named after Henry Iron Stomach Scoville, the man who would eat anything, who was responsible for the phrase, “If it hurts going in, it sure as heck gonna’ hurt coming out.”

Tabasco sauce measures from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units. Jalapenos measure 2,500 to 8,000. But the Bhut jolokia chili is 1,000,000 Scoville units. It hurts thinking about it. Indian people eat these to cure stomach problems and fight the extreme heat of summer. (Yeah that makes sense!!?)

The purpose of the grenade is to fend off mobs, rioters and folks laughing their ass off. There are also plans to create a Mace-like aerosol using bhut jolokia which can also be used as a cooking additive.

Inspector Clouseau meets his rival.

Mosads representative at the Israel embassy in London is being expelled over the use of cloned British passports in the killing of a senior Hamas commander in Dubai, the Telegraph has learned. Though this doesn't seem humous, check out the identities this spy was using.

Breaking In is Hard to Do.

A Brevard County man idiot has been convicted of trying to break into a jail.

Sylvester Jiles was released from jail last August and placed on probation after he struck a plea deal in a manslaughter case. Three days later, he came back to the jail by climbing over the razor wire fence that surrounded the facility.

When the injured Jiles was discovered, cut and bleeding, he begged deputies to let him back.

He was informed of his victim's families plans to kill him.  Paybacks are hell, ain't they!

Well Mr. Jiles is expected to get his wish next week.  He can be convicted of up to 15 years incarceration for trespassing, resisting arrest and parole violation, thus escaping the angry mob for a few years.

Greenpeace fights the evil Kit Kat Candy Bar.

A campaign against Nestle has been launched by Greenpeace International, warns that the popular chocolate bar KitKat uses palm oil from Sinar Mas, one of the largest forestry companies in Indonesia.

The supplier operates in regions where rainforests and peatlands are being replaced by palm tree plantations that eliminate natural habitat and reduce carbon dioxide sinks that help keep the atmosphere clean and fight global warming.

Greenpeace spokesperson Stephanie Sunshine Goodwin said the environmental group does not oppose the use of palm oil or vegetable oil in chocolate bars, but is urging the industry to develop higher standards to ensure production is sustainable. Adding her personal sentiments, "Like wow man, this is really a bummer" and reassuring that Greenpeace will pressure Nestle in changing the recipe for Kit Kat to include Tofu, Soy and Granola.

Something to be proud of.

While clergy sex abuse scandals unfolding across European Catholic Churches, a 2009 survey of the U.S. Catholic Church released Tuesday showed the lowest numbers of child victims, allegations and financial payouts since the annual survey began in 2004.

The survey conducted by independent researchers, but funded by your tithes and offerings rely on data supplied by dioceses. Only 398 victims with credible allegations of clergy sexual abuse came forward in 2009 as opposed to 889 victims in 2004.  The 2009 survey named 286 priests and deacons.  45% of these fellows had not been found out named before. 

Lets give it up for the church with a polite round of applause.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A Study of Jazz Musicians from jazz pianist Bill Anschell

I've pulled this from a post I ran in August of 2006.  I thought some of my Facebook musician friends might enjoy reading Bill Anschell's study of Jazz musicians.  Anschell is a jazz pianist.

The Musicians

While a jazz artist may claim to have a "unique voice" on his instrument, sociological analysis tells us otherwise. In reality, jazz players are simply the embodiment of instrumental archetypes. Jam sessions, then, are the playing-out of archetypal conflicts. Jazz "standards" performed at the sessions make up the script. Over time, an epic play is realized. Here are the characters:

Piano: Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college . Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don’t. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.

Bass: Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he’s listening.

Drums: Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren’t really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, be careful not to sneak up on him.

Saxophone: Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don’t stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.

Trumpet: Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they’re black or white.

Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. Caution: It is loud and high. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.

Guitar: Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they’re old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist’s universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he’ll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.

Vocals: Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians’ capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surrepticiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66." Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of session terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe (see "The Vocalist" below). I.H.: The vocalist will try to seduce you - and the rest of the audience - by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."

Trombone: The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won’t anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn’t want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don’t eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he’ll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.

Friday, March 05, 2010

A Couple of Cute Girls that I Know

Hope and Rach, lookin' good!

Hope and Rach, lookin' good!

Monday, March 01, 2010

President Obama - Take Note

Let me point out that I am a fiscal Conservative. I do not think the Democratic Party’s effort to spend money for new projects is prudent. I believe there is a better way to cope with our Country's debt.  However I recognize there are boneheads on both sides of the isle in Federal and State government.

For instance St. Charles County Republican Rep. Mark Parkinson is the genius behind the bill (H.B. 2131), which he believes will save the economic debt of the state of Missouri by passing this law which would take one dollar each week from the Missouri Governor Jay Nixon's salary and purchase a Powerball lottery ticket on behalf of the citizens of the state.

Any winnings must be deposited into the state’s general revenue fund until it exceeds $300 million, thus eliminating the budget shortfall.

Believe it or not some Republican lawmakers think this is an excellent idea.

By the way, the Columbia Missourian quotes the Missouri Lottery Fact Book, which puts odds of winning at 195,249,054 to one.

The current jackpot is estimated at $76 million.