Monday, August 30, 2010

Wrong On So Many Levels

Sometimes my wife takes me to craft shows. We walk around and look at all the crap crafts that ingenious folks make in their spare time and attempt to sell it to gullible people that think this would look so lovely in the bathroom.

For years I've teased my wife that I bet if I made mice out of those womany thingies that come in a tube, I could call them crafts, sell them and I betcha' people would buy them.

She stole my idea!
Imagine my surprise when my honey pulled up a page on the internet and showed me an angel made from a tampon.  I was just kidding, but these sick little monkeys are taking it to a new level. 

So I present to you..Tampon Arts & Crafts.

  Click on the pictures to enlarge them.

What child would not marvel at a blow gun that shoots real tampons cotton bullets.

Do you need new earrings to go with that new dress you bought.  Wear these on that big date or for that important meeting at work. You will definitely be the talk of your crowd. Impress your guy or your boss.

May I suggest using a color other than red. Red sort of brings out that recycled look.

You say you don't have an iPod! Bunky?  Never fear. You'll look cool and convincing with this genuine imitation iPod! made out of...guess what!

You always wanted to play a musical instrument, but couldn't afford it?  Well no worries my friend with this new set of Panpipes.  Zamfir's gonna' have some competition.

Holloween is just around the corner. Scare your goblins (and friends) away with this spooky ghost.  It's so easy to make!

Before you know it Thanksgiving will be here and won't your guests be amazed at the beautiful turkey centerpiece made out of Playtex's finest.

For the Members of the Tribe, wouldn't this beautiful menorah just scream, "Why is this night different?"

As I get older my hair gets thinner. But do I worry? No sir. Not when I can have a beautiful toupee made out of Tampax Extra Absorbant.  I'll look cool and feel cool. 

This rug just soaks up all the sweat.

Christmas is a comin' and the geese are getting fat.  Yessir, it's right around the corner, so buy one of those large packs and get busy making some of these beautiful Christmas decorations that come with their own string for hanging them on your tree.

And before you know it, once again Spring is here and you can create wonder Easter Crafts to amaze your friends and surprise you family.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Forget an Apple for the Teacher...Bring T.P.

A first grade student's mother took a double take when her daughter brought home the supply list that said, "Please have your child bring two double rolls of paper towels, three packages of Clorox wipes, three boxes of baby wipes, two boxes of garbage bags, liquid soap, Kleenex  Ziploc bags and hand sanitizer.

At a Hawaiian elementary school, kids were told to bring a four-pack of toilet paper and paper towels in addition to the usual supplies.

Office Depot, Staples and Office Max have been running sales on what was considered necessary items provided by the schools. Display signs posted in the stores remind parents not to send the little tyke of without their own toilet paper, soap, cleaning spray, personal wipes, Kleenex, paper cups, paper plates and plastic dinner utensil. Oh, don't forget the hand-sanitizer.

It is all because the nation's school systems are running out of cash.

When I started going to Fillwood Elementary School all we needed was our butts in the seat.

The school provided us with #0000 grit toilet paper and those old industrial strength brown paper towels you would get from the dispenser.

Kleenex?  Who needed Kleenex, when you had a long-sleeved shirt. Heck your bare arm would work in an emergency.

Hand-sanitizer was unheard of.  The school had that green soap in a glass dispenser that you squirted into your hands. For cleaning your desk, we had those industrial type brown paper towels and plenty of water.

The only thing I recall Miss Moats, my kindergarten teacher, asked us to bring was an old shirt from our dads to put on while we were finger-painting. She called it a smock, which I thought was a funny word.

This reminds me I haven't finger-painted in years.

And I haven't recently seen any of that paste in a jar. I wonder if they still make it?

It was delicious.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

TV Commercials

I won't hold my breath, but I think the Zoom-zoom kid is gone.  I haven't seen him for the past couple years, so he either hit puberty or his contract expired.  Thank the Lord!  The kid was probably alright.  'turns out his name is Michal Kanters.  I am sorry Michal, but after seeing this same commercial eight times during a one-hour TV show (which is more like 45 minutes of actual show), one gets really tired of hearing Zoom-zoom.

I am hoping the King is gone.

I haven't seen any commercials for Burger King featuring the rubber-faced, s**t eating grin King.  He is getting real old.  'scuse me, I mean the commercials are getting real old.

It's like a joke that was funny the first time, but after hearing (or seeing it) day after day, month after month it has become trite and hackneyed.

What about those Quizno kittens.  Where is PETA when you need them? A bunch of singing kittens are dressed up in clothes and posed in anatomically incorrect positions for visual amusement just to sell a few sandwiches, is just wrong!

I have got to hand it to Geico.  The piggie commercial is a real hoot.  So is the bird-in-the-hand commercial and the Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln commercial.  At least Geico keeps the commercials fresh. 

I hope other advertisers take a hint.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Has America Forgotten So Soon?

I am very upset about the insensitive plans to build a mosque two blocks away from ground zero in New York City. America seems have lost it's common sense and backbone.

I have no prejudice against Moslem's, however due to the radical element that is wreaking havoc on the world, I find it amazing that America’s Muslim community does not voice their disdain.

Instead they raise millions of dollars to erect a mosque near the same hollowed ground that caused the deaths of more than 3,000 citizens and ruined the lives of thousands of first responders.

Has America forgotten this?

On Friday President Barack Hussein Obama spoke at a Ramadan dinner saying, “Muslims have the right to practice their religion as anyone else in the country. All Americans have the right to worship as they choose.”

He was possibly unaware of the young people that got busted this past June 25 for singing a song with Judeo-Christian lyrics. Yessiree, a group of students was attending a Washington DC conservative Christian conference on that day.

They were taking a tour of the local monument when they stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and started to sing the National Anthem. A U.S. Park policeman started yelling at them to stop singing. He claimed it was a demonstration in an area that must remain completely neutral. Their impromptu chorus was a clear violation of federal law according to the law enforcement agent.”

I suppose, despite what Obama says, we cannot offend those of other faiths that don’t cotton up to our Judeo-Christian heritage.

Mr. Obama went on to say, “That includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances. This is America, and our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakable."   

Rhetoric be damned!

Moslem's have a history of building mosques on holy sites they have conquered.

Could this be the underlying goal of building a mosque at Ground Zero?   ‘just a thought.

The Temple built by King Solomon - now the Al-Aqsa Mosque

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Elaine Kagan, Gay Marriage and Big Sis

Elena Kagan became the first United States Supreme Court Justice to have to wear training wheels.  It seems she never sat as a judge in her life..not even in traffic court.

Of course this all figures since we have a President who still has his training wheels. His credentials show he was briefly a junior Senator.

We now have two Jewish ladies and one Hispanic lady sitting on the Supreme Court.  I don't think any of the other Justices will be able to get a word in edgewise.

A gay judge in California struck down Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage.  Anyone else recall when gay meant you were happy?  I don't see too many happy gays lately.  They are all griping about something.

I digress.  So gay marriage is still not allowed in California, the law is just under a restraining order until another court decides the merits. 

My inlaws were married over 50 years and fought with each other every day.  If that is what gay folks want to do, more power to them.

Big Sis aka Janet Napolitano is watching you.  And we thought all along it was Big Brother.  Nope!  Big Sis is setting up full body scanners in every airport.  Not only that, She plans to keep records of the scans. 

In the past law enforcement would have fingerprint records and perhaps DNA records.  But now they will have records of our nether regions.

What's up with that?

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Gorilla in the Midst

There are some drawbacks to teaching gorillas sign language.