Friday, April 26, 2013


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? 
WITNESS: July 18th. 
ATTORNEY: What year? 
WITNESS: Every year. 
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? 
WITNESS: Forty-five years. 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Sunday, April 21, 2013

The Elephant Story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

It must not have been the same elephant!

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Friday, April 12, 2013

The Patients Story

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Shopping with My Wife at Walmart

I thought this was hilarious, I started crying with laughter. Please take a moment to read the whole thing. 

My wife insists that I accompany her on her shopping trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I'll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

Friday, April 05, 2013

Why the English Language is Hard to Learn

 1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
 2. The farm was used to produce produce.
 3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
 4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
 7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Meet Me At Midnight Mary

When I was 13 years old, Mom decided it was time for me to learn how to dance. The lessons were for ballroom dancing. 

As I recall I learned the Foxtrot, the Cha-cha and the Waltz, although I can’t for the life of me remember any of those steps. The guys and girls in this class had to dress up and be polite. At the break the guys got punch and cookies for the last girl with whom we danced.

It seems that I usually wound up with this cute little chubby redhead.  I don’t know if she had a crush on me or I had a crush on her, but as I recall we always paired up with each other to dance.

The instructor played the song Meet Me at Midnight Mary every week and we did a fast Foxtrot to the music. I loved the song, the lyrics and the arrangement. It had everything a 1960’s song should ever have.

Here was a story about a poor boy that secretly married a girl, got a job working on the railroad and later found out her Daddy was his boss.

When I listen to it I think of that chubby little redhead girl and wonder whatever became of her.

The song was written by a fellow named Artie Wayne. He was working as a song writer in New York City. He also was dating some Iranian girls. One of the girls was the daughter of a deposed Iranian General. 

I don’t know how much is remembered about the days when the Shah of Iran was exiled to the United States, so as a quick reminder in the early 1960’s Iran was governed by a king which was called The Shah. There was a theocratic uprising in Iran and the Shah, his family and members of his government sought refuge in the United States. They brought with them a fortune in Iranian assets, thus they were hated by the religious rulers and the people that overtook the government as well as the general population of Iran.

The United States government housed the Shah and his entourage and assigned them a protection detail.

Artie Wayne
All this to say that Artie Wayne was head over heels in love with the daughter of an Iranian general and this was forbidden. Both Artie and the girl were excited about the danger of their secret romance. The only way they could meet was to see each other secretly.

What can a songwriter do, but write a song about this forbidden tryst?

Artie’s friend was a fellow songwriter named Ben Raleigh.  Raleigh had scored a recent hit with the sappy song “Tell Laura I Love Her.”  In true songwriter fashion, Artie Wayne decided to write a better song.  He eventually teamed with Raleigh to write Midnight Mary.

The song was taken to a local studio and the guys were given an advance to produce a demo. They shopped the demo around for a year with no luck until they learned that a new artist named Jerry Cole had signed with Capitol Records and recorded their tune.  Neither Wayne nor Raleigh liked Cole’s version and thought they could do a much better version.

Joey Powers
Artie Wayne had befriended a singer/songwriter named Joey Powers. Powers had been under contract with RCA and had just been released when Wayne asked him to help make a demo that was good enough for air play.

Wayne scraped together $500 for studio time and hired arranger Al Gorgoni and Charlie Macey to play guitars. Drummer Buddy Saltzman played drums and Jeannie Thomas sang all the background parts. Joey Powers sang the vocal.

Once again the song was shopped around. A local song plugger named Jerry Landis (the pseudonym Paul Simon was using) turned the song down but suggested taking the song to Larry Uttal at AMY Records (which is now Arista). Uttal liked the song and agreed to market it and an agreement to refund production costs and give a small percentage to the writers was approved. 

Larry Uttal (seated)
Upon listening to the recording, Uttal asked that the bass be turned up. Wayne let him know they did not have money to hire a bass player for the demo..  Larry Uttal gave Artie Wayne $15 and told him to go hire a bass player. Wayne knew a bass player that owed him a favor and asked Russ Savakis to come to the session and lay down a bass part.

With a few months Artie Wayne was taking publicity pictures for an album when he was handed a gold record by Uttal who told him, this doesn’t mean the song sold a million records.

On November 22, 1963 the Joey Powers album was to be recorded featuring the song Meet Me at Midnight Mary. Artie had met with Joey in Ohio to set up the arrangements.

That night Al Gorgoni was finishing up arrangements. Jeannie Thomas was working on background parts along with a new singer, Lettie Hamblet. The guitarists for the session were Paul Simon and Roger McGuinn, who played 12 string acoustic. The session was to start in 30 minutes.

The only musician who was not there was Joey Powers. His flight was delayed.  Artie picked up Powers from the airport. When they walked into the studio, everyone was crying. President Kennedy had been assassinated.

The album was eventually recorded and went on to be a big hit…in England

The song was covered by over 250 artists. Artie Wayne is semi retired these days. 

Ben Raleigh passed away in 1997 and left a legacy of hit songs behind. Besides “Laura”, he wrote Wonderful Wonderful, She’s a Fool, Love is a Hurtin’ Thing, Laughing on the Outside (Crying on the Inside) and composed the theme music for the cartoon Scooby Doo. 

Joey Powers was born in 1939 and is still alive. According to newpaper reports, he became a Christian and sent his kids to Oral Roberts University

Larry Uttal died at age 71 in New York City. He had worked with many famous artists.

Jeannie Thomas  is actually singer Jean Thomas. She was the lead singer of the Rag Dolls, the Calendar Girls, the Powder Puffs, Angie and the Chicklettes and other girl groups of the '60's and went on to have a very successful career as a background singer and is anonymously heard on many, many recordings.

Funny thing, Meet Me at Midnight Mary inspired two "answer" songs.

One was called Midnight Joey by Lorna Dune.

The other was a number one hit by Johnny Mathis called "What Would My Mary Say?"  Those who are old enough will recall Mathis  had a hit with Wonderful, Wonderful written by Ben Raleigh.

Version One


Version Two - Alternate version