Monday, May 19, 2008

P Is For Ptosis

I woke up Friday morning with another sinus infection. I drug myself into work in hopes that massive quantities of coffee would encourage the bug to leave my system. Unfortunately by Friday evening it was worse. I took some antibiotics and sinusitus medicine and stayed in bed all weekend in hopes that I would be well by Monday. I feel a little better, but am still not up to snuff.

One morning I was listening to NPR and heard an interview of Pete Seeger discussing some ancient librel event where he sang a few songs to enhance the fervor. One of the songs was called T is for Texas. I always thought it to be a Jimmy Rodger's song. I wasn't aware it was a protest number.

Anyway, my feverish mind came up with this ditty.

P is for Ptosis,

P is for Pterygium.

P is for Ptosis,
P is for Pterygium
And although the P is silent
You got to put it where it am.

P is for Pneumonia,
P is for Psoriasis.

P is for Pneumonia,
P is for Psoriasis,
No matter how thinly you slice it,
you must use P no matter what.

It's never going to make the hit parade. Do they even have a hit parade anymore?

I think I'll just take a pill and lie down now.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Racoon Eyes

My wife and I were at Cracker Barrel last night enjoying a nice meal when a family of three, sat down At a table directly behind me.

As I was enjoying my turnip greens and country fried steak and attempting to discuss issues of the day with my wife, I became distracted by the family's teen daughter. She was constantly tugging at her skin tight jeans in an effort to cover her belly button. There was something about her that was very familiar. Yes it was that look on her face.

Her dyed blond hair showed dark brown roots. But it was her eyes that really fascinated me. Perhaps fascinated is not the correct word. Appalled is more of what I was thinking. Her eyes were encircled by a ring of dark black eyeliner. It appeared that she had taken a medium point black Sharpie Marker and marked out an elipse for each eyelid.

Yes sir, I have seen that look too many times before. In fact in 1969 when I was going to high school I can recall there was at least one or two girls in my classes that wore that same look. And when I left high school and worked at my first job, there were several nurse aides and other ladies that made themselves up each day, with big black eyeliner circles. Even when I was self employed I had hired a couple of young ladies that demonstrated their fashion sense with large black eyeliner circles.

Have you have ever seen the movie, Blade Runner, that came out in 1982? This movie featured a character, played by Darryl Hannah, named Pris. Pris is a prime example of what my wife calls the "Racoon Eye" look. I'm a little more blunt. I call it The Skank Look. The teen girl behind me at Cracker Barrel had that Skank Look with the Racoon Eyes.

Which bring me to my latest theory. Is the Racoon Eye look handed down from Skank to Skank? Is there a cable or pay-per-view TV show that educates young ladies on the art of looking skankie? Perhaps there is a magazine devoted soley to the application of make-up for that I am easy and have no self esteem whatsoever, so please use me and discard me look.

I don't know how this look has manage to survive for over 40 years. In all probability it is a fashion statement that is much older than I am.

My own kids look at old pictures of me and their mother and see a couple of dorks. So why does a 13 or 14 year old girl want to look just like that same 13 or 14 year old girl that sat next to me back in 1969 in Mrs. Rigg's America history class? I have no idea!

I am going to have to think this over. In the mean time I'm going to start carrying around packets of pre-moistened towlettes and offering them to ladies that I encounter that have Racoon Eyes.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The First Reformed Church Of The Jedi

File this under: Get A Life.


A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones—aka Master Jonba Hehol—with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court.

He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones—known as Master Mormi Hehol—bruising his thigh in the March 25 incident, prosecutors said.

The two cousins and Barney Jones' brother, Daniel, set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films.

The group, which claims about 30 members, says on its Web site that it uses "insight and knowledge" from the films as "a guide to living a better and more worthwhile life."

"We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it," the Wales on Sunday newspaper quoted Barney Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously."

Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle.

"Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached.

Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 21/2-gallon box of wine beforehand.

"He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones.

District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered Hughes to pay $195 to each of his victims and $117 in court costs.

In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000—0.7 percent of the population—listed Jedi as their religion.