Friday, May 13, 2016

A Primer on the Use of a Restroom That is Appropriate With the Gender That You Identify With. (sorry about the dangling participle)


As you are aware President Obama brilliantly had the United States Justice Department and Attorney General Loretta Lynch.send an order to all federally funded schools, institutions and government buildings yesterday which made it illegal for these institutions  to deny access to the public restroom that any transgender person chooses to use regardless of whether they have a “winky” or a “hoo-hoo”. This order was not just confined to public restrooms, but included public locker rooms, changing rooms and shower facilities.  The order further went on to state violation of this order would result in loss of federal funding that the organization receives.

I am not certain if this order defines how to differentiate transgender individuals from those people who just want to get a peek into the restroom that they are not used to visiting for curiosity sake or those with a prurient interest, but I believe this point is extremely important and would hope the law would define these parameters.

But law is law and we need to live with it, I guess. So as a public service I offer a Primer on the Use of Restrooms for those not in the know and are using one that you usually do not visit..

I consider myself to be an expert on use of the Men’s Room facilities as I have acquired nearly 65 years of experience. So for trans-gendered folks born with female equipment, may I make these suggestions.


1.Do not poop in the urinals. They are called urinals for this reason.





2.When picking out which urinal to use, the piddle to floor ratio is very important. In other words pick the urinal with the least amount of urine on the floor directly below or in front of it. It helps keep your shoes clean. As a word of explanation.

There are two reasons for piddle in front of a urinal.
    Number One. It should be mandatory that urinal have signs reading, "Stand Close. It's shorter than you think."
    Number Two. With the epidemic of obesity, many men have not seen their "manservant" since they were about three years old.
3.Since you are not endowed with the necessary equipment to stand and deliver, I am not certain how you are going to accomplish using the urinal. For now this will present a problem, but I am confident that modern science will come up with a solution. But remember this; do not drop your trousers to the floor to pee. Use the zippers fly and the slot in your under-roos to urinate.

There are two reasons for this method of relieving ones self:
   Number one; it is inappropriate to show your bare ass to those in the restroom.
   Number two; your pants will probably soak up the pee on the floor that was left from the guy    who used the facility before your visit.



4.Please know that the appropriate behavior is not to look to the right or to the left at other participants. Either stare straight forward at the wall or look down to make sure you are piddling into the urinal and not on the floor or on your own shoes..


5.Do not use toilet paper to clean yourself. TP will not flush in the urinal. The appropriate action is to shake off. Remember the old adage, “No matter how much you shake it and dance; a few drops still go down your pants.” 

6.When using the toilet for number two, although this behavior is verboten in the Lady’s room, it is OK to grunt in the Men’s room.

7.It is probably not a good idea to have painted toenails if you are wearing sandals or flip flops while sitting in the stall. This may cause the guy in the stall next to you to wonder if he is in the right restroom.


8.Men do not pass toilet paper to each other. So don’t ask.








The only time I have visited the Lady’s room was a few years back when I had a concussion and was waiting to be seen in the Emergency Room and was a little woozy. I sauntered into the Lady’s room inadvertently and my first thought was “where the hell are all the urinals?”

So for all the transgender folks born with a “winky” I hope this helps.



1.There are no urinals in the "ladies" room. Pee in the toilet in the stall.


2.The appropriate style to urinate is to sit down on the toilet. No more standing, as this will upset the user in the next stall.








from Getty Images


3.Learn the following phrase: “Honey, could you please pass some toilet paper under the stall.”



4.No more shaking, only wiping.


5.No grunting in the Lady’s room if you are having a difficult bowel movement. This is inappropriate.


I hope this advice is helpful when you are visiting a different restroom than the one you are used to using. Or as I like to put it, “Boldly going where no man has gone before.”

Oh yes, before I forget; Please remember to flush.