Sunday, September 16, 2007

I Hate TV Today

When I was a kid I loved watching television. My Grandma left me her old Zenith because she knew how much I enjoyed TV. I recall staying home some days and watching my black and white TV in a dark room until I got a headache. I don't even think they make black and white televisions any longer.

Since I've been laid up, I've watched more TV than usual. No small wonder this current generation is so messed up.

I saw a show about morbidly obese people that checked themselves into a weight loss clinic in New York City.

I have no idea how these people paid for the treatment. Some of them lived there for years. It was a golden opportunity. Dietitians monitored their food, physical therapists designed an excercise routine and doctors and nurses took care of their health needs. But most of these people had fast food delivered to their rooms and stuffed their pie-holes in between the clinic meals.

So I'm watching this poor 500 pound girl on camera get buck naked take a shower and offer a running commentary of how she had to wash between all the folds of fat on her legs, belly and back because, "the bacteria can really build up in a day."

After her I watched other very large folks display their thighs, hips, buttocks and bellies. So I switched the channel. Mike Rowe was doing his show, America's Dirtiest Jobs.

Sometimes it's interesting to see what others do for a living. Today was at a very well-to-do horse breeding stable.

Mike was washing a stud's willy and assisting the stallion to make a deposit in the boot-shaped sperm bank. After this Mike took it to the mare and demonstrated, with the help of a nice lady
veternarian how to inseminate the horse.
The veternarian commented that the bag of stallion stuff was worth about $25,000. Which is why the stable was so nice.

You know what? I miss Donna Reed and My Three Sons. The original Mickey Mouse Club was swell and so was The Lone Ranger and Gunsmoke.

I hate TV today.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

What A Week

It has been a crazy week for my family. We had a nice Labor Day weekend. Then it was back to work. On Tuesday my wife woke me up crying to let me know that a hawk had carried off one of her Brahma hens. Cleo the chicken became dinner for a brown eagle that has been in our neighborhood. Cleo was one of three hens that my wife raised from chicks. She was black and speckled and the least friendly. But she was a nice bird and is missed by us and her two sisters.

On Thursday my wife called me at work to report that my grandson had been picked up at school by a stranger. My daughter called and said that he was not on the school bus as usual. When she called the school back they said that his grandfather picked him up. I rushed home and halfway there my phone rang again. My wife said that his other grandfather had picked him up from school, but did not tell anyone. This grandfather is disabled and has much trouble walking. I have only met him one time. He is one of those guys that does not like to be around people. Heaven knows why he is allowed to drive. When the school could not get in touch with Colton's mother, they called the first Schleper on the list instead of calling my grandson's father. It caused panic and problems. But everyone is safe and that is what is important.

On Sunday evening I fell down my backyard steps. The steps are cement and I once again proved not only cement is very hard, but that Newton's theory of gravity is true. In tripping on the step I sprained my left ankle, went airborne and hit my right on the step. I landed on my face. In doing this I fractured my right ankle and caused a bruise on my forehead that resembles the mark on Mikael Gorbechev's noggin.

I laid out in the grass in the backyard for about 10 minutes thinking, "O'Hara you knob, what have you done! My, my this grass is soft, why don't I lay here more often. I see ivy is starting to grow, maybe it will overtake the yard and I won't have to mow. I bet I won't go to work tomorrow. How in the h-ll am I going to get up? My legs hurt like the devil." Somehow I rolled over to the chicken coupe and pulled myself upright. About that time my wife arrived to treat my heart attack. I tried to explain to her that my heart was fine, but my legs sure hurt. We made it around to the front yard by doing the "old guy shuffle". My wife drove me to the emergency room. She hasn't driven a car for 15 years. This was a great experience

To make this story short, after 5 hours at the ER I learned about my ankles and was fitted with a fluid-filled splint on my left sprained ankle and a large splint on my right broken ankle. I was given a couple of crutches and some pain medicine and told good luck. The following day I saw the orthopedic doctor and my large splint was replaced with an "air-cast". This is a product of modern science. No doubt it was invented by some of the Nazis that were given amnesty in WWII in exchange for the vast brain banks of knowledge. You remember seeing the school documentaries on Warner Von Braun showing how they will send men to the moon in rockets and put air casts on all of those not of the 3rd Riech. This resembles a large gray ski boot, but is much less comfortable and stylish. There are ports on either side of it that you can blow air to inflate it. However it is very hard to get my mouth down there.
It probably weighs about 10 pounds, but feels like 50 pounds.

So I'm off work for a few more days. I'm still walking like Tim Conway's old man. I've also discovered daytime television is worse than night time television. And I am still in pain.