Saturday, February 28, 2009

Oh I'm A Lumberjack

When lumberjacks cut down a tree, why to they yell, "Timber"?

Because if they yelled, "Lumber", folks would just walk away slowly.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Little Debbie - Cute Farm Girl or Evil Temptress?

Back in 1960 a bakery product company was looking for a company logo for it's cookies and cakes. Four year old Debbie stepped up to the plate...or should I say baking pan and took the job. Ever since her face has been on each box of cream-filled snack cakes, oatmeal cookies stuffed with sugary creamie substance, sugar-coated cupcakes and brownies. But is she still that same cute four year old or has she turned into something else?

In 1961 when I was a sprout I recall checking out the latest edition of The Weekly Reader, which was a substantive source before it went all liberal. We were in the midst of the Cold War, which wasn't actually a war at all. It was just countries calling each other names and threatening each other.

Anyway, President Kennedy, who was fearful the Cold War might escalate, decided the United States needed more athletic kids. Russian kids were competing in the Olympics and all the Ruskie 16 year olds looked like Charles Atlas. (even the girls) In 1961 the average person had never heard of steroids. So all U.S. public schools had to initiate a physical fitness program, so we would have big muscular American youths. I say all this because it never occurred to anyone in 1960 to eat a whole family size box of Little Debbie cakes in one sitting anymore than it would occur to the average person in 1961 to drink more than one 6 and a half ounce bottle of Coca-Cola per week.

In 2009 we American consumers take consuming to a whole new level and have swollen to blimp size. We can watch The Biggest Loser on TV to see men and women of elephant proportions try to shrink themselves. BTW some of those men need brassieres, don't ya' think? Obesity is the norm these days.

So I ask, is Little Debbie still the same cute farm girl or is she an evil seductive temptress who tempts us with her chocolaty creamy goodness to desire more of her deliciousness?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Get Your Peanuts!...Fresh Hot Peanuts Here!

This just in from CNN

(CNN) -- The Texas Department of State Health Services on Thursday ordered the recall of all products ever shipped from the Peanut Corporation of America's plant in Plainview, Texas, after discovering dead rodents, rodent excrement and bird feathers in the plant.

No small wonder we have a salmonella outbreak coming from one of America's favorite foods.


WASHINGTON. - The head of the Georgia peanut company behind the salmonella outbreak has been forced to appear before Congress Wednesday.

Nine deaths have been attributed so far to the peanut salmonella outbreak

From WHC-TV - Here's what the company president had to tell Congress:

The owner of the peanut company accused of knowingly selling products laced with salmonella refused to testify before Congress on Wednesday.

Peanut Corp. of America president Stewart Parnell appeared at a hearing on Capitol Hill. However, he refused to talk about damaging e-mails in which he urges his workers to ship out products despite tests indicating the presence of salmonella.

Parnell repeatedly took the Fifth Amendment before lawmakers dismissed him from the hearing.

To quote an old radio drama,
"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?"

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

If All Dogs Go To Heaven...

...when I get there to visit them... their Heavenly dog mansion...

...I'm going to poop on their carpet!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The Hangnail Fairy

I know that you have all grown up and been told about The Tooth Fairy that leaves money under your pillow.

And of course The Sandman comes every night and sprinkles magic dust in your eyes that causes you to fall asleep. Why you may even have some left there in the morning.

But you seldom hear about the most evil fairy of all and yet you go to bed with perfectly intact fingernails, yet in the morning when you wake up....there is a hangnail.

Children I am going to tell you a secret.

The Hangnail Fairy creeps into your bedroom at around 3 AM every other month on a Thursday night. She takes out her evil tools and goes to work on your fingernails by breaking off an end just enough to annoy you. And in the blink of an eye she is gone.

The only thing The Hangnail Fairy fears in Vietnamese women. Because it is estimated that 85% of all Vietnamese women are licensed nail technicians and can thwart the evil Hangnail Fairy's dastardly acts.

So my advice to all you kids out there is to set your alarm clock for 3 AM on Thursday nights to catch the Hangnail Fairy before she catches you.