Wednesday, January 13, 2010

How to Drive a Customer Service Representative Crazy

In an effort to make you more knowledgeable, I present these useful tips that are guaranteed to work:

1. Use the toilet while talking to the customer service rep. They will be able to hear all your body noises and flushing sound. This is an excellent way to repulse those representatives.

2. Eat potato chips while talking on the phone. The constant crunching drives them crazy.

3. Do your dishes while talking to the service representative. The clanking of the plates and running water is amplified on the representatives phone.

4. Two words - Crying Babies

5. Turn the TV or Radio up real loud.

6. Make certain you have a house full of people that talk very loud when you call your service representative.

7. When making important decisions on your insurance or retirement plans and investments or when speaking with your doctor or lawyer's office, do this on a cell phone while driving on the Interstate. Let the representative know that you are unable to take any notes or phone numbers since you are busy driving.

8. Call the representative requesting information on your spouse, relative or friend. Explain that your spouse, relative or friend is just too $%&* stupid to understand information so you take care of all their affairs and be sure to say "no" when they ask you for power of attorney since you don't need that nonsense.

9. While on the phone, excuse yourself, then scream at your spouse, kids or relative.

10. Ask them continually to repeat what they have just said. This works great if the representative is from an outsourced call center and speak English as a second language.

11. Excuse yourself and in a loud voice scream, "Honey, what did you do with my underwear?" This will burn a lasting visual image in the reps mind of you talking to them in your "all-together" with your love-handles, pot-belly and stretch marks being exposed.

12. When the representative answers the phone, immediately demand to speak with their manager. When they ask what are you calling about, reply, "You know what I am calling about! I want to talk with your manager!"

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