Lake Webegon - A Parody Of Real Life - Part One

Lake Webegon - My Little Town

I wish I could say that It’s been a quite week in Lake Webegone, my little town, out here on the edge of the prairie, however it has anything but quiet ever since the night of the Norwegian Bachelor Farmer Rebellion. I know it is hard to believe that those quiet farmers that usually keep to themselves would go berserk, but they did. That was the day those guys decided they just were sick and tired of being treated like second class citizens. And that was the night when the violence, rioting and looting began.

This all started last March when the shelter in place order went into effect because of the Corona virus pandemic. Although shelter in place was the actual lifestyle of the farmers, they were not going to have some uppity politicians telling them that the HAD to shelter in place.

So on a Friday night in mid June, at the monthly Sons of Knute meeting, Ed Pedersen spoke up saying, "I ain't havin' no part of dis here damn Coroney nonsense, and neither is my neighbor, Sig Nilsen, and ve ain't gonna' be vearin' no damned masks".

Nilsen then got up to voice his opinion by saying, "Dem dang townsfolk been prejudiced against us bachelor farmers for years.  Dey look down upon us. Dey make fun of us for maintaining the old Norwegian ways. Dey tease us 'cause we ain't got no wives!  And now dey vant us to vear some doggone doctor mask when ve are a- goin' to da' feed store. I for one am jus' sick and tired of da' whole damn bunch uh dem!"

A hearty cry of support erupted from all those present and that set off a powder keg with all the group to do something about the situation.

So a very angry farmer contingent rose up in mass that night and they all marched into town carrying pitchforks, axe handles, and torches, intent on venting their shared anger.

Well it was just pretty bleak folks, and everything just went down hill from there.

Florian Krebsbach and his son Carl were working late that night when they saw the mob coming. They tried their best to stand their ground at the family's Chevrolet dealership, but it was useless. Windows were broken, cars were vandalized, even the classic ‘57 Chevy Impala on display inside the dealer ship was set on fire.

Ed and Joe, the sheriffs from Mist County were then called in by a very angry Florian. When the two cops saw what was going on they threw up their hands, and walked down to the Sidetrack Tap for a couple of beers. They figured this would settle down shortly without any of their help.

About that same time the rioting farmers arrived at that very same tavern where they ordered the owners; Wally and Evelyn, the two cops; Ed and Joe, and everyone else to get the heck out. The angry mob then looted and pilfered The Sidetrack. Beers were passed out to the mob, who by now were thirsty not just for vengeance, but for a few cold ones as well.

Next the forty or maybe fifty angry farmers, who were now full of liquid courage turned their attention to Bertha’s Kitty Boutique where they trashed the place, freed all the cats and spread catnip everywhere, much to the delight of the escaped kitties.

Ralph’s Pretty Good Grocery was the next to be vandalized. The windows of that establishment were broken, supplies were looted, and the building was spray painted with angry slogans stating "Ralph was neither pretty nor good".

Bunsen Motors was not immune to the farmers’ ire. That business was trashed, looted, and all the tractor batteries went missing.

The out of control mob of angry farmers marched down the street to Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility Church where they vandalized that building. The slogan” NBFLM” (Norwegian Bachelor Farmers Lives Matter) was spray painted on the the churches' walls. The statue of St. Olaf was toppled, crushed and burned. A frightened Father Wilmer hid inside the rectory, clutching his rosary and praying.

Carl Yoder, one of the bachelor farmers stopped the group short of pulling down the nearby stature of The Unknown Norwegian by reminded them, “ Hey, he’s one of our own”. But someone decided it still might be a good idea to spray paint "NBFLM" on the statues chest to remind folks that "NBFLM".

I found it odd that the mob of vengeful Norwegian bachelor farmers marched right past the Lake Webegon Lutheran church. About a week afterward I asked one of them why?

Farmer Hans Yoder told me, "Vell don'cha know they got dis here nice lady pastor dere. She's real nice and prolly woulda' ask us all into da' church for coffee an' cookies. Den she'd wanna' keep us dere for one of dem dere 'rap sessions' don'cha know. Vell ve all veren't up for dat sort of thing. So ve jus' kept a-valkin'  down dere street."

Getting back to the story, that night Harold Star the owner, writer, and sole employee of the local newspaper, 'The Herald Star', had arrived on the scene with his notebook and a freshly sharpened #2 pencil. He realized this was a really big story; bigger than just a puff piece for a local paper. So he took out his flip phone and called the St. Cloud television station, WCLD.

Within thirty minutes the TV stations reporters arrived and set up a national feed.  The story was about to go out to the nation's news service.

It was about this then that the farmers were headed to The Chatterbox Café to trash, vandalize, loot it, and perhaps grab a few more cold ones.

Well, I don’t know if it was the lights and cameras, or perhaps it was the shyness of those farmers, many of whom were now being approached by attractive lady reporters that were asking them for interviews, or perhaps those guys just got tired of all the attention, or maybe they just got plain tired, I don't know what it was, but those angry farmers started to disperse and head home. And they have not been seen since.

The town has applied for federal funds to rebuild, but were turned down.

The Krebsbach family got some help from Chevrolet to repair the damage to their business, but the '57 Impala was beyond repair.  Bunsen Motors received help from Ford.

Bertha's Kitty Boutique has closed for good. Bertha is taking the insurance money and retiring to St. Petersburg where her daughter lives.

Ralph's Pretty Good Grocery has reopened as Ralph's Pretty Good Convenience Store and is being run by the Patel family, who recently moved to Lake Webegon from Chicago. Ralph decided he just had enough and sold the business. Bishar Patel decided to keep the American name Ralph for the store instead of calling it Bishar's Pretty Good Convenience Store.

Wally and Evelyn decided they were too old to do anything else. They rebuilt the Sidetrack Tap. The clock is still slow, and the pinball machine is still in the corner. Wear a mask.

Fortunately the Chatterbox never was damaged since the Norwegian Bachelor Farmers got distracted. LuAnn said the pie for the week is peach and it's pretty good.

Bob’s Bank, in the green mobile home, has been besieged with loan requests. Ed’s Insurance and Liquor Outlet has been paying out claims and selling more than a few bottles of Old Grand Pappy to very upset customers.

Right now no one knows if the Norwegian Bachelor Farmers will be reprimanded or even held responsible.

The one thing we do know is the group has created a created a blog; NBFLM. blogspot.com and they have written a very stern letter to their congressmen.

So that’s the news from Lake Webegon, where all the men are good looking, all the women are strong, all the children above average, and most all of the businesses are in need of major repairs.