Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Things I Do Not Understand

I guess I am becoming an old curmudgeon but there are some things that I just do not get. Here is the short list:

Nasal Jewelry - Nose jewelry is mentioned in the Bible. Check out Song of Solomon. Old Schlomo seems to dig the nose ring his sweetie is wearing. I just don't get it. Yessir, there's nothing more beautiful than a girl with a big ol' silver ring dangling from her nose holes.

It brings to mind Elsie the Cow.

The subdued version is the little diamond thingy that young ladies stick on the side of their schnoz. "Excuse me Miss, you have something on your nose. Here's a tissue. Oh, I'm sorry. You say that's jewelry. It looked like you had a bugg...well nevermind."

BTW, are those jewel things stick-on or do you have to have actually drill a hole into your nose? I have enough problems with allergies and am curious if that would leak out the side when your nose was runny.

Earrings on guys - When I was in my 20's I worked with a guy that was formerly a Merchant Marine. He wore a small circular gold earring. This was a sign that he sailed through the Panama Canal. I'm OK with that.

Now it is uncommon to see young boys without some sort of aural decorations. I've seen some young guys with the same earrings I gave my dear old Auntie for Christmas one year.

I'm wonder in the not-to-distant future, wil men have jewelry parties, where they can get together with the guys, gnosh on some chips and taco dip, drink a cold one and try out the latest in ear-wear? I wonder?

Neck tattoos - A girl that I worked with had some sort of Chinese neck art that resembled a UPC code. I was curious what would happen if she got scanned at the grocery store.

TV Commercials for Laxatives and Fiber Products

Some nights I can hardly wait for my favorite TV show to be interrupted so I can see the commercial with Jamie Lee Curtis talking to her new friend about how excited they both are because the new friend now poops on a regular basis.

The friend, don't ya' know, was all bound up until she tried new Fiber-Con. Now she wants the whole world to know she poos every day right on schedule. I'm glad.

Cat ladies Several times a year there are news stories about women that are living with 100 or more kitties. Why cats? You never hear about Dog ladies or Weasel ladies or Bunny ladies?

Guitar face - I play guitar. When I first started I had an old Harmony Patrician with strings that were about an inch above the neck. The only strings available locally were Black Diamond strings. These came in one extremely thick heavy gauge. It hurt to play that guitar. I don't recall if I made faces when I tried to play a bar chord on that guitar, but I had every right to.

Now days guitar strings come in light gauge, ultra light gauge, micro-light gauge and gossimer gauge. Computer controlled machinery makes even the crappiest guitar easy to play. But there are more guitar faces on folks strumming a big D chord than ever. It ain't that hard and it don't hurt folks.

The 1930 through 1950's Movie Actresses that had that sort-of-English-but-not-quite accent - When I was young I watched Father Knows Best and some other TV shows and movies. The leading women all spoke with this unusual speech affliction. "Oh Dah-row-thee, please do be cah-ro-fall not to step on any of the preh-she-ous munch-kans." My Mom grew up in that era. So did all my Aunts and none of them spoke like that. No one talks like that any longer.

I'm glad. Rah-eelee Ah'm gah-lad.

Beer - A cold beer tastes pretty good occasionally. I don't often drink beer. I used to sell a lot of beer. I recall folks that bought a 24 pack of beer on a daily basis.

Do the math. 24 twelve ounce cans of liquid is 288 ounces.

A gallon of milk is 128 ounces.

I doubt if I could down a gallon of water every day. I could not conceive of drinking 2 gallons of water unless I was a horse. 2 gallons is 256 ounces. But there are plenty of people that consume 288 ounces of beer a day and then complain about gas prices.

Railroad Cars with Gang Graffiti - I was watching a movie called Wyatt Earp last weekend. Back in 1867 the surviving Earp brothers had just put their family on a train and were in a scene where they were standing around the boxcars. I sensed something wrong.

The boxcars did not have any gang tags spray painted on them. I guess the Clanton brothers, the Earp's nemesis, just hadn't gotten around to painting their gang marks on those boxcars. You just don't see trains go by without seeing a lot of strange squiggles and box letters spray painted on them.

I wonder if my cousin Eddie puts gang graffiti on his model railroad boxcars. He really ought to.

No comments: