Friday, March 26, 2010

More of the Day's News

This just in from Punxsatawny:

A drunken may was charge with public drunkenness after witnesses saw him along a highway giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a dead opossum. 

Pennsylvania state police arrested 55 year-old Donald Wolfe for drunkenness and stupidity.  State trooper Jamie Levier was called to the scene when witnesses reported Wolfe near the animal along Route 36 this Thursday. Wolfe was not only performing CPR on the animal, but appeared to be conducting a seance to contact the wee beasties spirit. 

Levier reported that Wolfe, "did have his mouth in the animal's mouth area."  Donald Wolfe was taken to the Oliver County jail and given Listerine to get rid of the Possum breath.

This just in:

Obama appointee Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood announced “the end of favoring motorized transportation at the expense of non motorized.”

The Secretary has announced a “major policy revision” that aims to give bicycling and walking the same policy and economic consideration as driving.

"We will no longer favor motorized transportation at the expense of non-motorized transportation" , LaHood wrote on his blog.

This policy was introduced within days after LaHood gave a well paid speech at the Nation Bike Summit to a large crowd of rail-thin men all wearing spandex shorts and helmets.

LaHood says this reflects the Transportaion Department's support for the developement of fully integrated transportation networks, although he failed to explain what that really meant.

The department is calling on state and local governments to provide safe amenities for those walking and riding bicycles. 

Transportation agencies are urged to take action on a number of fronts, including the creation of pathways for bike riders and pedestrians on bridges, and providing children with safe biking and walking routes to schools. Hopefully the muggers, panhandlers, thieves, drug dealers and pedophiles will avoid these areas.

Obama appointee LaHood also indicated the department is discouraging “transportation investments that negatively affect cyclists and pedestrians” and added, "Our President would like us all to have size 10 carbon footprints."

“Treating bicycles and other non motorized transportation as equal to motorized transportation would cause an economic catastrophe,” warned Carter Wood, a senior adviser at the Negative Nancy Collaberative “If put it into effect, the policy would more than undermine any effort the Obama Administration has made toward jobs," adding, "Secretary LaHood is a big doody-head and a creep."

House appropriations committee hearing last week brought up the issue when Congressman Steven LaTourette ask for clarification of the new policy asking a Transportation Department official to clarify what LaHood was stating. LaTourette added, "What the hell is wrong with this LaHood dude? Is he crazy or what?"

“My interpretation of that would be equal in the eyes of policymakers as what is the expenditure you make, what is the benefit you get and the love you make is equal to the love you take” responded Roy Kienitz, D.O.T.’s under secretary for policy, dressed in spandex bicycle shorts, a rugby shirt and helmet.  “And if the freight project offers the best bang, great, but if the bike project offers a good bang, great for them. Bang,bang. All major express ways need bicycle lanes."

“I don’t even understand how you get a bang for the buck out of a bicycle project,” Mr. LaTourette subsequently commented. “I mean, what job is going to be created by having a bike lane you sick little monkey. And what the hell is all this bang, bang stuff you're talking about?"

It happened in Chattanoga:

A pit bull mix in Tennessee has been sentenced to obedience training after his dogged attack on a local police car.

Winston, the lovable pooch didn't bite anybody, but he mauled the front bumper of a Chattanooga police cruiser. The playful mutt managed to tear off a section of the front bumper and damage the tires.

A judge declared Winston to be incarcerated for 3 days at the ASPCA  and scolded him by saying, "You are a bad dog. Bad!"   He was sentenced to obedience and canine good citizen classes, and he'll have to wear a tag that says he is "potentially dangerous."

Winston's only comment was, "Arf, arf" as he emphatically pooed on the courtroom floor while being lead away.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

In it something is. Earlier I thought differently, thanks for an explanation.