Monday, December 13, 2010

Ten Business Practices

1.Hold a lot of management meetings and let those on the bottom tier know. 
  • This strategy will keep employees aprehensive and guessing what management is discussing about their careers.
  • Solution - There is none.

2. Change strategies and goals every 6 months.
  • This strategy shows the company's five year plan isn't working too well or a new leader has ascended up the ranks and is doing the domimate male/female roar.
  • Solution - Remember your place as a worker bee.

3. Group Meetings - Divide And Conquer 
  • In the past the entire team, group or department would come to meetings for new information from management.  Many companies have now realized that by dividing the group into several smaller groups for meetings is a good way to rattle the cage. 
  • This strategy seems to be a tool for management to get unsolicited feedback from employees, which they can compare between the small groups of associates by determining who whines the most.  Much of the information comes from eavesdropping on employee conversations. See Favorites 
Solution - Zip it!

4. Why do Women Bosses Usually Attempt to Grow a Pair? 
  • In my 37 years of work, I have encountered only one woman manager that did not try to emulate being a man by over compensating her management style with aggressive behavior.  It has been my experience that women bosses are tougher to work for than male bosses. 
  • The feedback most women bosses offer is usually negative. They are quick to judge. Some women bosses are quick tempered, which causes you to walk on tender-hooks.  
  • Conversely most of the men I have worked for have offered positive comments and are usually easy going.  Employee reports from male bosses generally offer positive comments, whereas a woman boss seems to be critical of every little thing.  Maybe it's because women are not used to those hangie-down things knocking around between their thighs.
  • Solution #1 - Learn to say "Yes ma'am, whatever you say ma'am."
  • Solution  #2 - Take testosterone injections.
5. The importance of Excel and Power Point. 
  • I don't know what we did before Excel.  We had to use manually drawn graphs, hand drawn by a secretary with a ruler and some magic markers. (This was before sharpie  abr: BS)
  • I took a couple of Excel courses a few years ago in which I was told that Japanese businessmen just love the Excel charts. It does easily make instant charts just by plugging in some number.  If the Japanese love it, I suppose we all gotta' love it.  
  • Power Point has taken over the job of overhead projectors. No longer do you have to use a totally uncool clear cell overlay written in black type (or handwritten with a magic marker).  Technology has replaced the antiquated clear overlay with wonderful computer produced color panels that can be projected onto a screen using a really expensive projector. Plus Power Point allows the production to be emailed to employees or to clients.  Additionally the Power Point cells can make swell little booklets.  The nifty little icons, characters, cartoons and what-not sure beat out the old school stuff.
  • Solution - Embrace Excel and Power Point

6. Finding Faults 
  •  No matter how perfect you are.  No matter how many accounts you pull in.  No matter if you sales are off the charts, it is your bosses bound duty to find fault with you and put it in your quarterly report. In turn her boss or his boss will find fault with them and their bosses vice president will find fault with them.  If you look in their job description it will say in underscored letters "Find Faults"
  • Solution - Learn to live with it.

7. Favorites 
  • Bosses seem to choose their favorite employee.  Most of the people who are favorites where teachers pets in grade school or the nasty girl or guy that tattled on you.  They were the back stabbing friend in high school that stole your best guy or best girl. They ratted you out for smoking in the boys room.  Their role model is Eddie Haskell.  They are buddies with your boss. Remember they are still the nasty girl/guy that tattles on you.
  • Solution - Zip it good! 

8. Youth Reigns Supreme
  •  As someone who is on the fast track to old age, I see it is the young that get the promotions and the perks.  It's not that the old grey mare just ain't what she used to be, it is prejudice.
  • Solution - If you are older than 55 find an attorney

9. Thin is In
  • God help you if you are overweight.  Your peers and management are watching your calorie intake in the cafeteria.  If you don't work out or play golf you ain't worth monkey poo. 
  • Solution - Switch to diet cola and go cold turkey on the potato chips.

10. Statistics Trump Service
  • There is a lot of bravado and braggadocio regarding excellent customer service, however the bottom line is statistics.  What have you brought to the business this month?  Are you in the million dollar club?  You need to shorten you customer phone calls to 400 seconds. You are providing too much information.  You are not providing enough information.  How much did you sell?
  • This has nothing to do with the customer walking away saying, "I didn't know that.  Why thank you so much. You have really helped me." 
  • These days businesses provide a four or five question telephone survey. 
    • "If the representative was pleasant press #1 for yes, #2 for no."
    • "If the representative answered your question adequately and made your dreams come  true press #1 for yes, #2 for no."
    • "If the representative sounded hot, press #1 for yes, #2 for no."
    • "If the interaction was not only satisfying, but mild and left your hands feeling softer and smoother and your nasal congestion is now gone, please press #1 for yes and #2 for no."
  • Solution - concentrate on statistics

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